Quarantine

Have you seen the news lately? It's been filled with all sorts of panicky alerts on outbreaks of different illnesses. Just the other day I saw a 15 minute spot on, of all things, the MUMPS! (Mumps....mumps....Ok, that word is just fun to say.) Then it was followed up with a story on the bird-flu in Britain and how they're sure it's here in the USA already. Next was the most recent Mad-Cow case, and then onto the flu season pandemic, rounding everything out with the last story about antibiotics being over prescribed creating SUPER-bugs (I'm picturing them in spandex, like little power rangers and 1970's theme-music!)

Usually, I just shake my head and ignore the scare tactics the news likes to employ. Unfortunately, this time I was watching all of these while sniffling on the couch and feeling like death warmed over. It turns out I'm a part-time hypochondriac! Who knew! By the end of the mumps story I was feeling my neck looking for lumps, trying to remember if I had ever gotten the adult vaccination (no, I never did) and ready to hop up and peer into the mirror looking for other telltale signs.

By the end of the bird-flu story I was suspiciously peering out my back window at my chickens, ducks, and the guinea hens which decided to permanently adopt us on Easter (they just showed up, and literally WALKED into the chicken coop.) Suddenly, owning a bunch of asinine chickens seemed very dangerous! They even looked a little sinister. I mean, that rooster is capable of anything! Biological warfare would not be beneath him! And those ducks! I'm telling you, something is very odd about them. Of the 25 we originally started with, these four are the only ones left! Nothing has taken them out... They're like super-ninja-ducks!


Then the mad-cow story came on, and it was coupled with a local story (since I live about 1.5 hours from the border) about Canadian cows being smuggled over our borders. Ok, can I stop for a minute.... SMUGGLING COWS? Seriously? Anyone else picturing a guy with a big trench coat on with a cow sticking out the back, and the man telling customs it's a genetic condition that runs in the family?


Then onto the flu pandemic "Alert Alert! We don't have enough vaccine for everyone if it hits!" Yeah big deal, I can't take it anyway. I already knew I'd be a goner if this one happened. They won't give me a flu shot because I have a mild allergy to eggs. They won't give me a tetanus shot for the same reason, so I live in mortal fear of anything rusty. (A nail! Run for your lives!) Of course, lockjaw could solve a lot of my dietary dilemmas! Come to think of it, the flu was rather productive for me in Jr High as well. I came down with a case of the real influenza, knocked me out for over a month, and I lost 22 lbs in 3 weeks - and was so sick I don't remember any of it. Best diet I ever had!

And last, but not least, was the mighty morphin' super bugs! Here, let me do my civic duty : If you have a VIRUS antibiotics will NOT help you. Stop asking for them. If you have something (bacterial) that antibiotics will help - TAKE ALL YOUR DARN MEDICATION, and don't stop just when you start feeling better! To quote (and it's one big link, if you want to learn about "the birth of a super bug"):

Over 50% of antibiotics prescribed last year were given for viral infections, which are not affected by antibiotics.

Exposing the bacteria in our bodies to these drugs unnecessarily can enable resistant ones to survive and thrive because other bacteria have been killed off.

Many patients do not finish all the pills in their prescriptions, which enables bacteria populations in their bodies to become fully resistant following this sub-lethal dose.

Us sick people would appreciate not having to host spandex-clad-plagues, thanks.

Of course, by the end of that insane news cluster I was then convinced I have one of those. Ok, maybe ALL of them.... I was a bird-flu victim of Mad-Cow disease with the mumps, that was actually a superbug version of the flu pandemic!

I know...I know... I just figure they caught me at my weakest and most impressionable. I mean, I haven't slept in about a week! I REALLY am sick. But worse than that? I think I am cursed too. For those of you who knew me from my original blog, you know I am a complete klutz.

Yeah, nothing has changed. *sigh*

Last night, I couldn't sleep - AGAIN - due to a marathon coughing fit (I haven't been able to exercise, and it's driving me crazy - do you think I can count these coughing fits as cardio, or just ab work?) Ok, well, then I'll watch TV. TV is better than sitting there in the dark lamenting my fate and focusing on how miserable I am, while my husband sleeps blissfully next to me without a care in the world, and maybe I should smack him just for being healthy...Right? Oh, and let me get some tea too. Tea helps (drinking some right now, actually.)

So there I was, with a massive cup of "throat Soothers" tea, getting ready to turn the television on at 1AM with the BRAND NEW remote (the only remote.) You know, it happened almost as if I had intended it all along. I watched in slow motion (don't know if it was the cold/flu that caused the frame by frame play, or just fate laughing at me) as my remote slipped from my hand and went ALL the way into my tea. We're talking submerged here.

I killed it.

I mean, it does NOT work at ALL now. The worst part is, the TV is stuck on some "input" mode, and there is no way to turn it to normal TV mode without the remote! *banging head on desk* So, I spent the whole night up, coughing like crazy (I've tried every cough suppressant out there at this point), with nothing to distract myself. OK, there was a 30 minute period where I spied on the chickens. I think they were holding a clandestine meeting of a sinister nature. But other than that, I only had myself for company.

Does anyone have a cure laying around for a bird-flu victim of Mad-Cow disease with the mumps that is a superbug version of the flu pandemic? I'm getting desperate here... And a little worried about the rest of my appliances. I'm thinking hubby isn't going to be happy when he finds out about the remote. Maybe I should just hide it?