This has been a long trip, visiting with my parents. So many things have happened. Everything from birth to death, and family politics thrown inbetween.
Through all of this, I made a choice to be VERY lenient on my nutritional plan. I was having problems with my food. You see, I found it to be "empty". Maybe this doesn't sound like a good enough reason to slacken my hold and my goals, but with everything going on around me I made a choice.
I have been watchful these past couple of weeks. What I observed was how food was integral to everything everyone was doing at any given moment. Because I gave in and ate along with them, but still paid attention, I started to realize what food became for me at different moments. I also came to realize that in my life, food is RARELY ever actually food.
So here is what food is in my life:
In a hotel/non-home situation, food is security. I have a literal level of panic if I don't have some sort of food accessible in the room. I will say that this only severely intensified after I had children. But, to blame the entire phenomenon on that fact would be misleading.
When I am following a strict nutritional plan, food is a fight. It's my taking a swing at something I hate about myself, and trying to make me better. I know, in this instance more than the others I should see it as FOOD, instead of something else - but I'm being honest here.
In sadness, food is a filler. Sadness makes me feel empty, and in that echoing chasm is usually a lot of self criticism. You see, to attack myself is easier than to be sad. I used to be able to just BE sad, but when you have children that is not a luxury you have any longer. Your moods affect them directly, and even worse they ALWAYS think it's their fault. The pain THAT causes me is so much worse, that it becomes a never ending spiral. For some odd reason, you can get into something disastrous (and usually sweet), and go on with your day without inflicting your emotions on others. So maybe filler isn't exactly correct. Food is a filler for sadness when I am alone, and a suppressor for when I am not.
In anger, food is a stopper. In other words - "SHUT UP KYRA". It's also easier to be angry at myself than something/someone else when it's out of my control. Because I have control over myself, eating something I shouldn't violates my view of myself and who I am working to be, so I can be angry at myself instead of the uncontrollable situation. It's a manner of shifting the view and blame.
In happiness, food is a celebration. Everyone knows this. Everyone knows how our culture, anyone's culture, brings food into the equation for any celebration of any sort. One of the hardest things dieters face is feeling left out of these particular events.
In loose ends, food is a distraction. I'm sure everyone knows this one too.
With family, food is often a bonding opportunity. Just last night, I accepted bowl of ice cream from my mother (after eating clean the entire day, getting in my killer workout and everything, and later than I ever eat) because it was said "it's so rare that we can enjoy ice cream together, mother and daughter." Maybe that sounds stupid from the outside, but in my life it was/is a very true statement. I will not go into my past but to say there were times within a month that the only time my mother had time for me when I was young was to take me out on an afternoon and go to Dairy Queen. We're talking only once in that month and then I would likely not see her much until the next month. Within my own family, I cook with my kids and also have many "bonding" experiences with them over food. Granted, I have made an effort to bond by teaching them how to prepare healthy foods. I do prepare the treats, but mostly just for specific occasions. And I know that bonding over cooking is the SMALLEST one of all the others I employ, but it IS there. More than that, it's very strong.
The only time that food is "food" (meaning fuel, and that I use it appropriately, without attaching anything "extra" to it) is when I become immersed in my physical training program. I am very sensitive to how my body reacts with different foods, proper foods, and cheats and it's direct correlation to performance. For example, even a half glass of wine will completely destroy my performance during an exercise session for up to the next THREE days. I do NOT understand why, but it's true. A cheat day that doesn't include much protein will cause me to burn out after the first 30 minutes of intense training, and suffer effects the next day as well. I know when I need protein, and when I need carbs, and when things feel really good too.
All of that is great, but I'm not always able to hold onto that "performance based mindset", no matter how much I wish I could. There is one other time that I see food as fuel; when my blood sugar drops. I'm hypoglycemic, and have been since I was a young child. I get extremely ill if my blood sugar drops, and cannot function. So, in that case, it's also easy to see it's true purpose.
I could continue on with my list of what food becomes to me in different instances, but I think it's just more important to point out how rare it is that I actually see food as food. It seems like the only time I see food as food is when it costs me something to forget that fact.
Also, as wrong as it may sound, I think it's important to see the other facets of what food provides me, not in order to eliminate them, but simply to be aware. I don't think I would want to take away what food offers me. Sure, in some instances, like the ability to abuse myself instead of addressing the problem - that is worth eliminating. But most of the others have real merit to them, even if at the core food should not be "used" in that manner. Food is about survival, and sometimes that isn't always about fuel. Sometimes we have to survive other things in our lives that other coping skills do not touch.
The key is not to allow food to become our ONLY coping skill. Frustration is so much more satisfying when expressed against a punching bag, or a grueling five mile run, than eating a bag of chips. There are better, more satisfying alternatives to the food coping strategies - but NOT ALWAYS.
I said in the beginning that while I am working hard to become better physically, that I am also trying to find the balance. Maybe other people can grow to see food simply as fuel, but to make the mistake to think that I am one of those people would be of the highest folly. I am not. I have tried. Denial has only wrought other problems.
Knowledge and acceptance is always the first step. Instead, I am acknowledging what food provides to me on all it's many levels, and now I am searching for the balance that I can strike within that to achieve my goals. If this trip has served any purpose in regards to diet, this is it. I cannot sum up what I am thinking about with all of this, because it's an ongoing process right now. I don't know where the balance will be struck, but I DO know that it WILL BE.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
California-land
Yes, I'm back... er... Well, sort of. I'm back in Arizona, anyway.
San Diego was an... Adventure. It was a six hour long drive with my mom and my two children to get there, and we did it in one shot going out. It had been about 20 years since I last journeyed through the desert. Of course, the last time I went, I was a kid in my father's NON-air conditioned car. My brother and I sat upside down, so our heads would be in the shade of the seats in front of us, and our feet got sunburned from being in the back windshield.
Yeah, minus having air conditioning and being the driver, not a lot has changed. "Look! Tumbleweed.... Cactus...Tumbleweed... sand.... sand... sand... Oh look! Another cactus!" ;)
However, I must say that I giggled for about 30 minutes when we hit the Sand Dunes (the part that actually LOOKS like the desert from cartoons and movies.) My daughter was avidly looking out the window at the mountains of glittering white sand, and she said "Well, does this mean we're finally in SANDY-ego?"
I had been taking a sip of water at the time, and choked. Yes, she was serious. She was also desperately hoping to see a "real mirage". I tried to explain to her that the road ahead looking like it was full of water when it really wasn't WAS a mirage, but she was hoping to see one more along the lines of an ice cream stand like Donald Duck did.
As we entered the more populated areas nearer to San Diego, I realized I was gripping the steering wheel in white knuckled anxiety. Why? Because living in upper New England has caused me to lose a lot of my city-driving skills, apparently.
I grew up driving in Denver and Boulder, CO. I lived in Chicago for over two years after I got engaged/married. You haven't driven in a city until you've done LA, Chicago, Boston or New York. Trust me on this one. Worse yet, Chicago has all these toll-roads, and not all the exits off allow you to get back on. Truly, it's a nightmare mousetrap of a road system out there. But I DID it! I could navigate with the best of them, screaming at other drivers, and zipping in and out of traffic with less room than an office cubicle. It's just the way it is out there.
Apparently, driving skills falls into the category of "use it or lose it, baby!" Vermont has only one highway with more than one lane of traffic, and it does NOT run along the entire state. We have to drive an hour just to get to it. So, Vermont's idea of a highway is just one lane of traffic going in each direction, meandering along at your own pace, and usually behind some 150 year old woman the size of a hobbit who cannot see over her seatbelt, much less the steering wheel. This does not lend itself to keeping up savvy driving skills, I guess.
With my heart pounding like it was trying to escape from my chest, breaking out in a sweat, and telling everyone to "zip it!" every two minutes, we finally made it to our hotel. Yes, I know the street system in San Diego is TAME. I have no excuse for my driving-anxiety, except to say that I must have been fully countrified while I wasn't paying attention. I felt like I might as well have been driving an Amish carriage into town, for all that I felt I "belonged".
Then I got a good look at our "hotel". O...... M..... G.....
Actually, on the surface, it didn't seem TOO bad, but it was clear that calling it a hotel was a joke. It was a motel. We had booked two adjoining rooms. I dragged the luggage up the stairs, past the creepy guy smoking and hanging over the railing watching us. As we neared our rooms, the stench of urine emanating from ahead was overpowering. Yeah, it was coming from one of our rooms.
The story was that the prior occupant had knocked over a cooler full of water, and THAT was the smell. NO. Freakin'. WAY! It was so bad, we told them we couldn't possibly use that room, so we all crammed into the one that was left, as there were no other vacancies. The room we stayed in had broken lights, an a/c that barely worked mounted in the back wall, and suffered from some of the smell next to us seeping through the door (adjoining rooms, remember?)
The capper to the experience was when my mother sent me to the car to grab her special pillow at about 10 PM and Mr. Creepy was STILL in the same spot, smoking and hanging over the stair railing like some sort of demented guard. I kept thinking about Monty Python, and wondering if he was going to ask me what the air speed of a fully laden swallow was....
Instead he kept a running commentary up on what I was doing, and ended it all by hitting on me on my way back up the stairs. Apparently I was mistaken. He didn't think of himself as the guardian of the stairwell, but Prince Charming. I cannot tell you how flattering it is to a woman to be hit on by a man who has nothing better to do on a Thursday but hang over a stairwell railing all day long, smoking like a chimney, wearing a sweat stained undershirt and dirty jeans, in obviously dire need of a shower, and leering at you every time you venture out of your room.
Yep. Made my heart go pitty-pat.
At least the locks worked on the door in our room. However, the giant window on the front did NOT lock. So, while everyone else finally went off to sleep on the hard-as-cement beds, I had a fitfull night of sleep. I jumped at every sound, tried to doze off plugging my nose, and woke in the morning with a horrible crick in my neck and an aching back. Oh, and the funniest part about that night's sleep - now that it's over? My mother has a HORRIBLE snoring problem. I had FINALLY gotten to sleep, and I was woken up by my mom calling out "Kyra! Hey Kyra! Honey, is my snoring keeping you awake?"
Um.... No?
"Oh, good!" And then she rolled over and proceeded to snore SO LOUD I couldn't get to sleep even if I wanted to for the next two hours. I just had to laugh (at that point, slightly hysterically.)
The next day we decided to head back home a little early after our visit and sleep in a nicer hotel half-way back. THANK GOODNESS.
We gathered up our stuff, checked out, and on the way to my pseudo-grandmother's house (I'll explain in a later post) we stopped at a restaurant (Coco's) to eat, and then a Walmart which was in the parking lot. However, as we were exiting the restaurant we noticed that the store across the way (Mervyn's) had it's parking lot mostly roped off by the police. We're talking straight out of the movies with "crime-scene" tape and everything. I know, everyone who lives in a city ignores this.
Me, I stood gaping like a countrified idiot, watching the police pull out all sorts of equipment from the trunks of their cars. My mom simply gave me a shove and said "Oh, someone just probably shot someone else." Then she suggested we get a move-on, and go into the Walmart next door.
At the point of seeing the logic that it probably WAS a shooting, going into the store next door didn't seem like GOOD idea. However, my mother narrowed her eyes at me and gave me a look that clearly said I was in more danger from her than anyone else at that moment. So onward I scurried, into the Walmart, and promptly lost all touch with reality.
The place was HUGE. We have a Walmart back home.... FOUR of ours would have fit into this one. When I said as much, the lady next to me said "Oh, honey, this is the small dumpy one. There is one over in *a city that starts with a C... Can't remember it for the life of me now* that is so MUCH bigger than this one. Makes this look like a mini-mart!"
All I had to do was pick up a set of headphones (for the kids, portable DVD player - their headphones had broken). It took me forever and a day just to figure out where the electronics were kept, much less find the headphones. Then, when I went to check out the lines were 15 deep at all five registers that were open. Three of them were "self-check-out" lanes, and one was even 12 items or less, so I got in that one thinking I'd get out of there before I turned 50.
I'm. So. Stupid.
Ok, in my defense - we do NOT have self-check-out lanes in our Walmart. How was I to know that this was actually an IQ test for people? I watched person after person scan one item, then sit there trying to figure it out if it actually scanned, some of them even arguing with one another if it had. Then when it came time to pay, EVERYONE had CASH. Cash that needed to be fed into the scanner like an over glorified vending machine. Apparently, this is asking too much of most people. It took me 25 minutes to get to my turn, and I zipped through. This was apparently a sign that I had stolen something, so they had to check my bag and receipt to make sure I had not tried to pull one over on them.
By the time I made it out of there, I felt ten years older than when I went in. By the time I left California, I felt like I had aged a quarter of a century. On the way home, we stopped in Yuma, AZ. We stayed at the new Holiday Inn, and it was HEAVEN. The rooms were luxurious, the pool fabulous, the staff wonderful. Seriously, it was NOT like what you imagine a Holiday Inn would be. My mom said it was our karmic reward for staying in that dump the night before. ;)
There you have it, my trip to San Diego. Murder, Mayhem and Walmart.... I am looking forward to going back home to Vermont. ;)
San Diego was an... Adventure. It was a six hour long drive with my mom and my two children to get there, and we did it in one shot going out. It had been about 20 years since I last journeyed through the desert. Of course, the last time I went, I was a kid in my father's NON-air conditioned car. My brother and I sat upside down, so our heads would be in the shade of the seats in front of us, and our feet got sunburned from being in the back windshield.
Yeah, minus having air conditioning and being the driver, not a lot has changed. "Look! Tumbleweed.... Cactus...Tumbleweed... sand.... sand... sand... Oh look! Another cactus!" ;)
However, I must say that I giggled for about 30 minutes when we hit the Sand Dunes (the part that actually LOOKS like the desert from cartoons and movies.) My daughter was avidly looking out the window at the mountains of glittering white sand, and she said "Well, does this mean we're finally in SANDY-ego?"
I had been taking a sip of water at the time, and choked. Yes, she was serious. She was also desperately hoping to see a "real mirage". I tried to explain to her that the road ahead looking like it was full of water when it really wasn't WAS a mirage, but she was hoping to see one more along the lines of an ice cream stand like Donald Duck did.
As we entered the more populated areas nearer to San Diego, I realized I was gripping the steering wheel in white knuckled anxiety. Why? Because living in upper New England has caused me to lose a lot of my city-driving skills, apparently.
I grew up driving in Denver and Boulder, CO. I lived in Chicago for over two years after I got engaged/married. You haven't driven in a city until you've done LA, Chicago, Boston or New York. Trust me on this one. Worse yet, Chicago has all these toll-roads, and not all the exits off allow you to get back on. Truly, it's a nightmare mousetrap of a road system out there. But I DID it! I could navigate with the best of them, screaming at other drivers, and zipping in and out of traffic with less room than an office cubicle. It's just the way it is out there.
Apparently, driving skills falls into the category of "use it or lose it, baby!" Vermont has only one highway with more than one lane of traffic, and it does NOT run along the entire state. We have to drive an hour just to get to it. So, Vermont's idea of a highway is just one lane of traffic going in each direction, meandering along at your own pace, and usually behind some 150 year old woman the size of a hobbit who cannot see over her seatbelt, much less the steering wheel. This does not lend itself to keeping up savvy driving skills, I guess.
With my heart pounding like it was trying to escape from my chest, breaking out in a sweat, and telling everyone to "zip it!" every two minutes, we finally made it to our hotel. Yes, I know the street system in San Diego is TAME. I have no excuse for my driving-anxiety, except to say that I must have been fully countrified while I wasn't paying attention. I felt like I might as well have been driving an Amish carriage into town, for all that I felt I "belonged".
Then I got a good look at our "hotel". O...... M..... G.....
Actually, on the surface, it didn't seem TOO bad, but it was clear that calling it a hotel was a joke. It was a motel. We had booked two adjoining rooms. I dragged the luggage up the stairs, past the creepy guy smoking and hanging over the railing watching us. As we neared our rooms, the stench of urine emanating from ahead was overpowering. Yeah, it was coming from one of our rooms.
The story was that the prior occupant had knocked over a cooler full of water, and THAT was the smell. NO. Freakin'. WAY! It was so bad, we told them we couldn't possibly use that room, so we all crammed into the one that was left, as there were no other vacancies. The room we stayed in had broken lights, an a/c that barely worked mounted in the back wall, and suffered from some of the smell next to us seeping through the door (adjoining rooms, remember?)
The capper to the experience was when my mother sent me to the car to grab her special pillow at about 10 PM and Mr. Creepy was STILL in the same spot, smoking and hanging over the stair railing like some sort of demented guard. I kept thinking about Monty Python, and wondering if he was going to ask me what the air speed of a fully laden swallow was....
Instead he kept a running commentary up on what I was doing, and ended it all by hitting on me on my way back up the stairs. Apparently I was mistaken. He didn't think of himself as the guardian of the stairwell, but Prince Charming. I cannot tell you how flattering it is to a woman to be hit on by a man who has nothing better to do on a Thursday but hang over a stairwell railing all day long, smoking like a chimney, wearing a sweat stained undershirt and dirty jeans, in obviously dire need of a shower, and leering at you every time you venture out of your room.
Yep. Made my heart go pitty-pat.
At least the locks worked on the door in our room. However, the giant window on the front did NOT lock. So, while everyone else finally went off to sleep on the hard-as-cement beds, I had a fitfull night of sleep. I jumped at every sound, tried to doze off plugging my nose, and woke in the morning with a horrible crick in my neck and an aching back. Oh, and the funniest part about that night's sleep - now that it's over? My mother has a HORRIBLE snoring problem. I had FINALLY gotten to sleep, and I was woken up by my mom calling out "Kyra! Hey Kyra! Honey, is my snoring keeping you awake?"
Um.... No?
"Oh, good!" And then she rolled over and proceeded to snore SO LOUD I couldn't get to sleep even if I wanted to for the next two hours. I just had to laugh (at that point, slightly hysterically.)
The next day we decided to head back home a little early after our visit and sleep in a nicer hotel half-way back. THANK GOODNESS.
We gathered up our stuff, checked out, and on the way to my pseudo-grandmother's house (I'll explain in a later post) we stopped at a restaurant (Coco's) to eat, and then a Walmart which was in the parking lot. However, as we were exiting the restaurant we noticed that the store across the way (Mervyn's) had it's parking lot mostly roped off by the police. We're talking straight out of the movies with "crime-scene" tape and everything. I know, everyone who lives in a city ignores this.
Me, I stood gaping like a countrified idiot, watching the police pull out all sorts of equipment from the trunks of their cars. My mom simply gave me a shove and said "Oh, someone just probably shot someone else." Then she suggested we get a move-on, and go into the Walmart next door.
At the point of seeing the logic that it probably WAS a shooting, going into the store next door didn't seem like GOOD idea. However, my mother narrowed her eyes at me and gave me a look that clearly said I was in more danger from her than anyone else at that moment. So onward I scurried, into the Walmart, and promptly lost all touch with reality.
The place was HUGE. We have a Walmart back home.... FOUR of ours would have fit into this one. When I said as much, the lady next to me said "Oh, honey, this is the small dumpy one. There is one over in *a city that starts with a C... Can't remember it for the life of me now* that is so MUCH bigger than this one. Makes this look like a mini-mart!"
All I had to do was pick up a set of headphones (for the kids, portable DVD player - their headphones had broken). It took me forever and a day just to figure out where the electronics were kept, much less find the headphones. Then, when I went to check out the lines were 15 deep at all five registers that were open. Three of them were "self-check-out" lanes, and one was even 12 items or less, so I got in that one thinking I'd get out of there before I turned 50.
I'm. So. Stupid.
Ok, in my defense - we do NOT have self-check-out lanes in our Walmart. How was I to know that this was actually an IQ test for people? I watched person after person scan one item, then sit there trying to figure it out if it actually scanned, some of them even arguing with one another if it had. Then when it came time to pay, EVERYONE had CASH. Cash that needed to be fed into the scanner like an over glorified vending machine. Apparently, this is asking too much of most people. It took me 25 minutes to get to my turn, and I zipped through. This was apparently a sign that I had stolen something, so they had to check my bag and receipt to make sure I had not tried to pull one over on them.
By the time I made it out of there, I felt ten years older than when I went in. By the time I left California, I felt like I had aged a quarter of a century. On the way home, we stopped in Yuma, AZ. We stayed at the new Holiday Inn, and it was HEAVEN. The rooms were luxurious, the pool fabulous, the staff wonderful. Seriously, it was NOT like what you imagine a Holiday Inn would be. My mom said it was our karmic reward for staying in that dump the night before. ;)
There you have it, my trip to San Diego. Murder, Mayhem and Walmart.... I am looking forward to going back home to Vermont. ;)
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Fashion Reject
I'm about to go "girlie" for a moment.... I pray you'll forgive this momentary lapse. ;)
A couple of nights ago I saw the movie The Devil Wears Prada. Ok, first off I thought it was really cute. Cute enough that when it comes out on DVD I will actually buy myself a copy. It's a nice light movie for those evenings when you just want brain candy instead of something to really think about. I need more movies like that in my life.
Anyway, I will say that one of the negative things I was forced to face by the movie is that I am a fashion reject. I watched the main character's make-over into high fashion, and realized that I had more in common with the tweed wearing, lumpy blue sweater version of her than the sleek polished one.... Not that I'd be caught dead in tweed. I'm not in a total coma, here.
I was surprised to find, as I watched Anne Hathaway's character sashay across the screen in snazzy outfit after snazzy outfit, that *I* wanted to look like that too! Oh, yes I did! Seriously, once I realized I was thinking that to myself, I almost had a stroke on the spot.
I was not a girlie-girl growing up. I had one baby doll that I didn't know WHAT to do with. While the other girls were all pretending to be "mommies" and dressing them and burping them, mine sat in the corner or on a high up shelf. I pretended that she was held hostage by my stuffed Teddy bear (and my brother's pilfered little green GI Joe men) and I needed to go and rescue her. Change a baby-doll diaper? HA! I was scaling dressers and shelves alike, hopping from the bed to chairs (because the floor was "hot lava") and rescuing the baby-in-distress. Unfortunately, that baby doll didn't last very long. Being thrown into the path of danger so often, she eventually fell from a second story window, into a basement window-well and was only found three years later looking...erm.... Slightly worse for the wear.
I DID have Barbies, I admit it. But I never played Barbies with other the girls. When I played, it wasn't about "dress-up" or living in their Barbie houses as the perfect "little women" (ok did anyone else almost throw up?) No, my Barbies were career women. I made them have high rise apartments/condos, and they were the CEO's of major companies, engaged in hostile take-overs and massive economic success. All while also being secret agents for the government and going on numerous covert missions abroad and thus saving the country from disaster again and again. Of course, all of this was in addition to their hobby of treasure hunting via archeological expeditions (Yes, Indiana Jones was in theaters around this time, and I LOVED IT!)
So, for some reason, none of the other girls wanted to play Barbies with me. A real mystery, isn't it?
Anyway, as I grew up I sort of continued in this vein of not being like other girls. My mom and dad once sat me down when I was about 10 years old and said "I know the other girls on the block here are starting to wear make-up, and we wanted to let you know that you are not allowed to do that until you are 13 years old."
I just blinked vacantly at them and said "They are? Huh. Well. Ok. Whatever." And off I went outside to climb a tree, or beat up my poor younger brother.
At 14 years old, my mom came to me and asked if I was EVER going to start wearing make-up.
This spilled over into other aspects of my life as I grew up. Eventually, I did start wearing make-up (much to my mother's relief. Apparently, I would have been a total disappointment or something otherwise.) While I did start vaguely paying attention to how I dressed, I never went "high fashion". I believe a lot of this was due to lack of interest, but also to a lack of funds.
Dressing nice is EXPENSIVE, people! How do people afford it? And it changes so often, how do you even keep up?
After watching The Devil Wears Prada, I had the sinking realization that to be IN fashion would practically be like a part-time (full-time?) job. I'm completely flabbergasted at the thought. So, I had the quick succession of thoughts that went something like this in the theater:
"Ooooo! I wanna be like that! Look like that! Feel that put together and stylish!"
"OMG, can you imagine what that would cost? How fast DOES stuff go out of fashion anyway?"
"She's a size WHAT!?!?!??! Well, my fat butt isn't even elidgible then. Probably NEVER will be either."
*sigh*
*sigh*
*defeated sigh*
Not that there is much call for high fashion in the backwoods of upper New England, mind you. Heck, if you have a flannel shirt, electric warming socks, and jeans with six extra inches of length - you are in like Flynn, baby! (ok, I have never found a pair of jeans with six inches of extra length - being 5'10 has something to do with that, and I don't own electric socks, but I find them very tempting when it's -60 outside. However, I DO have flannel PJ's and sheets, and none of you can make me give them up! NEVER! ;) ) I think our state flag is even made out of plaid flannel.
Still... I find myself yearning to be skinny as a rail, sleek as a fashion model, and clicking along in fabulous shoes (something I have NEVER paid attention to IN. MY. LIFE! For all intensive purposes, I am anti-shoes.) I don't know what is wrong with me. Is this like a virus? Is there a cure?
I don't know what is worse, realizing I really am a girl.... if only way deep down. Or that NOW that I know, suddenly I have these urges to actually look "in" I can't afford to, nor do I have the time.
Someone tell me there is an antibiotic for this!
Ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Man, I wish I had brought my swords with me out here. I'm going to be out of touch until Saturday. I'm headed over to San Diego. Yes, California. The land of the living Barbies. Save me.
A couple of nights ago I saw the movie The Devil Wears Prada. Ok, first off I thought it was really cute. Cute enough that when it comes out on DVD I will actually buy myself a copy. It's a nice light movie for those evenings when you just want brain candy instead of something to really think about. I need more movies like that in my life.
Anyway, I will say that one of the negative things I was forced to face by the movie is that I am a fashion reject. I watched the main character's make-over into high fashion, and realized that I had more in common with the tweed wearing, lumpy blue sweater version of her than the sleek polished one.... Not that I'd be caught dead in tweed. I'm not in a total coma, here.
I was surprised to find, as I watched Anne Hathaway's character sashay across the screen in snazzy outfit after snazzy outfit, that *I* wanted to look like that too! Oh, yes I did! Seriously, once I realized I was thinking that to myself, I almost had a stroke on the spot.
I was not a girlie-girl growing up. I had one baby doll that I didn't know WHAT to do with. While the other girls were all pretending to be "mommies" and dressing them and burping them, mine sat in the corner or on a high up shelf. I pretended that she was held hostage by my stuffed Teddy bear (and my brother's pilfered little green GI Joe men) and I needed to go and rescue her. Change a baby-doll diaper? HA! I was scaling dressers and shelves alike, hopping from the bed to chairs (because the floor was "hot lava") and rescuing the baby-in-distress. Unfortunately, that baby doll didn't last very long. Being thrown into the path of danger so often, she eventually fell from a second story window, into a basement window-well and was only found three years later looking...erm.... Slightly worse for the wear.
I DID have Barbies, I admit it. But I never played Barbies with other the girls. When I played, it wasn't about "dress-up" or living in their Barbie houses as the perfect "little women" (ok did anyone else almost throw up?) No, my Barbies were career women. I made them have high rise apartments/condos, and they were the CEO's of major companies, engaged in hostile take-overs and massive economic success. All while also being secret agents for the government and going on numerous covert missions abroad and thus saving the country from disaster again and again. Of course, all of this was in addition to their hobby of treasure hunting via archeological expeditions (Yes, Indiana Jones was in theaters around this time, and I LOVED IT!)
So, for some reason, none of the other girls wanted to play Barbies with me. A real mystery, isn't it?
Anyway, as I grew up I sort of continued in this vein of not being like other girls. My mom and dad once sat me down when I was about 10 years old and said "I know the other girls on the block here are starting to wear make-up, and we wanted to let you know that you are not allowed to do that until you are 13 years old."
I just blinked vacantly at them and said "They are? Huh. Well. Ok. Whatever." And off I went outside to climb a tree, or beat up my poor younger brother.
At 14 years old, my mom came to me and asked if I was EVER going to start wearing make-up.
This spilled over into other aspects of my life as I grew up. Eventually, I did start wearing make-up (much to my mother's relief. Apparently, I would have been a total disappointment or something otherwise.) While I did start vaguely paying attention to how I dressed, I never went "high fashion". I believe a lot of this was due to lack of interest, but also to a lack of funds.
Dressing nice is EXPENSIVE, people! How do people afford it? And it changes so often, how do you even keep up?
After watching The Devil Wears Prada, I had the sinking realization that to be IN fashion would practically be like a part-time (full-time?) job. I'm completely flabbergasted at the thought. So, I had the quick succession of thoughts that went something like this in the theater:
"Ooooo! I wanna be like that! Look like that! Feel that put together and stylish!"
"OMG, can you imagine what that would cost? How fast DOES stuff go out of fashion anyway?"
"She's a size WHAT!?!?!??! Well, my fat butt isn't even elidgible then. Probably NEVER will be either."
*sigh*
*sigh*
*defeated sigh*
Not that there is much call for high fashion in the backwoods of upper New England, mind you. Heck, if you have a flannel shirt, electric warming socks, and jeans with six extra inches of length - you are in like Flynn, baby! (ok, I have never found a pair of jeans with six inches of extra length - being 5'10 has something to do with that, and I don't own electric socks, but I find them very tempting when it's -60 outside. However, I DO have flannel PJ's and sheets, and none of you can make me give them up! NEVER! ;) ) I think our state flag is even made out of plaid flannel.
Still... I find myself yearning to be skinny as a rail, sleek as a fashion model, and clicking along in fabulous shoes (something I have NEVER paid attention to IN. MY. LIFE! For all intensive purposes, I am anti-shoes.) I don't know what is wrong with me. Is this like a virus? Is there a cure?
I don't know what is worse, realizing I really am a girl.... if only way deep down. Or that NOW that I know, suddenly I have these urges to actually look "in" I can't afford to, nor do I have the time.
Someone tell me there is an antibiotic for this!
Ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Man, I wish I had brought my swords with me out here. I'm going to be out of touch until Saturday. I'm headed over to San Diego. Yes, California. The land of the living Barbies. Save me.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The "Do I Really Want It?" List
The "Do I Really WANT it?" List
Food : Calories : Burn Required
- Hershey's Kiss: 23 calories. BR: 10 minutes of Accordion playing (even if I could play the accordion, would I WANT to?)
- Butterfinger (fun size): 100 calories. BR: 26 minutes of Acting (wow, considering how much trouble I was in as a kid and all the acting I had to do then, it totally explains why I as so thin! Maybe taking personal responsibility for my mistakes was a bad move!!!)
- Wine, White, Dessert (3.5 fl oz/normal glass... before I grab the whole bottle): 165 Calories BR: 11 Minutes of Fire Fighting (hmmmm I sense a new occupation to explore.... what do you burn drooling over all the handsome firemen? *sigh* Clearly not enough at this point...)
- Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (1 package, 2 cups): 232 Calories BR: 1 Hour of Milking Cows By Hand. (No, I don't own cows, and I have no desire to get up close and personal with one either.)
- Chocola-tini (Chocolate Martini, 4.5 oz): 270 Calories BR: 1 hour and 30 minutes of Bookbinding.
- Slice of Pizza (Pizza-Hut, Super-Supreme, Regular Crust) : 309 calories. BR: 1 Hour and 20 minutes of Airplane Repair. (Wouldn't you love to entrust your airplane repair to someone like me?)!
- Cocoa Krispies (1.5 Cup + 1 Cup Skim Milk): 319 Calories BR: 1 Hour and 40 minutes of Bird Watching (*snore* *snore* *snore* Poison Ivy *Itch* *snore* *itch* *snore*)
- Arby's Medium Roast Beef sandwich, w/4 packets of Arby's sauce (I'd bathe in it people, so shush!) : 380 calories BR: 1 Hour of Watch Repair, PLUS 1 hour and 40 minutes of piloting an airplane (Hey, if I fixed it, I feel I should get a shot at flying it! Erm... How many calories for crashing?)
- Dairy Queen Blizzard (chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Medium): 950 calories. (OMG!!!!!! I may have to go cry now) BR: 30 minutes of Feeding Large Farm Animals, PLUS 30 minutes of Marching Band Baton Twirling and Marching, PLUS 30 minutes of Polka Dancing, PLUS 2 hours of Machine Tooling/Welding
- A Big Bucket of Buttered Popcorn at the Movie Theater: 1,650 Calories BR : OH FREAKIN' FORGET IT! I don't even LIKE Movie Popcorn! I don't even want to know what I would have to do.
(Sources: Nutrition Data, Calories Per Hour, My own insanity)
Monday, July 24, 2006
Finding Your Power
This has been a really strange series of days. A death, A birth, A funeral, A nutcase. Last night, my grandmother (mom's side, only living one left, disowned my entire family when I was around nine years of age, never spoke to me again, and caused my three uncles to do the same) decided to show me more of the frightening DNA that I carry with me. Once again, she is disowning my mother (they've only been speaking a little while anyway) because my family and I attended my dad's father's funeral this past Friday, and that I never sent a sympathy card to HER when her husband died a couple years ago (ya know, 20+ years after they disowned me, and never said another word to me to this DAY?)
Yes, it's ever so fascinating (not!) to know that I have the DNA that these nutcases have in their veins coursing through mine. I'd like to go somewhere and have all traces of them stripped out - is that possible?
Anyway, my grandmother is off her rocker again, and trying anything she can to hurt my mother. That has always been her favorite pastime, especially when she can use "me" to do it. She whines and says that she is an 80 year old woman and just can't take this sort of "abuse and shame" anymore, and that I have dishonored the family name by my actions (hello, Bedlam?) She uses her age to hide behind like she is some sort of weakling, and then strikes out at someone weaker than her - my mother. My mom is a strong woman, but her heart is too big, and the diseases she has makes her an easy target because of the mental afflictions like dementia (think similar to alzheimers).
The thing is, she is using MY name, my person, to try and hurt my mother. Her ultimate goal is to try and turn my mother against me (not that she has a chance of that.) It's weird though, because even though they know I am a grown-up now, they act as if I am still a child. A child who is seen and not heard, a child who has no input on what happens around her. I believe that they feel this way towards me, because she hasn't said a word, OR set eyes on me, in over 23 years. I mistakenly appear as an easy target in their eyes. Something to be used.
But I'm not.
One of the best things about growing up is finding your power.
I am typing out all the personal junk going on to relate it all to something happening right now, but it pertains to every aspect of my life. For so many years, and in so many situations I have felt powerless growing up. I wasn't able to affect anything without recruiting another (like a parent or a teacher, SOMEONE who had some sort of clout.) And if no one could help? Well, what is a child/teen to do? You ARE powerless. For that short time, anyway.
People use different coping skills when faced with this inevitability and helplessness growing up. It's something I think every single person goes through, like a trial by fire to adulthood. I didn't choose the best of coping skills - back then, I ate. And ate. And ATE!
Later, when I moved to Chicago when I was 19 and should have known better, everything seemed out of control and miserable... I ate some more. Yes, it was not an evil witch's curse that brought me bobbing up past 220 lbs. Just me.
I think a lot of my effort to lose weight hasn't been about the pursuit of being thin (though that's one helluva perk), but taking my power BACK.
You see, the one problem about feeling this way as an adult is that you finally DO have power... You just let it slip away sometimes before you realize it. I did, anyway. I ate myself sick in Chicago, literally. Fighting my way back down the scale, not only through the numbers but in the healthy choices was a battle. Not to lose weight, but to regain the power I let slide away before I ever acknowledged it was there. By the time I realized I had once had it, I had to fight tooth and nail to get it back - something that was inherently mine all along.
Last night, everything blew up. The family was once again turned on it's head. In the space of NINE days we had a death, a birth, a funeral, and now this. You have GOT to be kidding me! Worse, this time - I was here to witness MY name being used as a weapon. To hear how horrible these people really are and watch the damage occur. And to be used.
First response? I turned into a 15 year old and hit the ice cream. So did my father and mother. (My husband flew home yesterday morning, and came down with the flu on the way home, but in between puking he was properly enraged and supportive... If not into the junk food, all things considered. Poor thing.)
I sat there, eating the ice cream, feeling tears burn my eyes and anger churn in my belly. Yes anger, after that whole "anger is useless" post. But I still KNEW it was useless. So, I sat there trying to chase down my 31 year old self inside. How is it that one small thing can turn back the clock so many years and shell-shock you into being that helpless child once again?
I can't say what triggered it, but I finally found her again. Me. What was interesting was, all this time I (before the ice cream) felt cold all over. Inside and out, despite the anger churning within. Cold to the bone. And lonely.
The moment I was able to get a firm grasp of myself again, as the 31 year old woman I am now, heat flooded through my veins. Or rather, POWER did. It's very different from anger. Anger stings inside - hurts. Power has the same feeling of hot chocolate on a cold winter day. Power is warm. Power makes you strong. Power makes you - ALL BY YOURSELF - enough.
I don't know why it is so hard to hang on to. I know there are certain instances where I have never let my grip falter on my own personal realization and power, most particularly when it comes to my children. In those areas, I have never wavered. Perhaps it is those instances where they have an attachment to the past wherein I was too young to have the power to make a difference. That attachment, may for some reason, cause a slackening of my hold - for whatever reason. Not that it's any excuse. But to understand, is to open the possibility for change.
I now have that opportunity before me.
I set the ice cream aside, and my 31 year old self got a good look at the sniffling 15 year old sitting there, lost. I am NOT that child any longer. Not in any sense. Not when it comes to the insanity of my extended family. Not when it comes to my food choices, or exercise, or career, or even dealing with the family doctor. I am a full grown, full blooded woman. I deserve respect, and I have the power to make a difference in any aspect of my life I so choose.
And if I let slip my grip on myself, I have the power to change that as well.
Deep down, I know I need to seek out my inner coping skills of the powerless, and replace it with who I am today. With knowledge and action, as well as self realization. This family situation, regardless of how I choose to handle it, will resolve one way or another, but there will always be something else to confront. I need to solidify my hold on who I am, so that when I face adversity I don't turn into the ice-cream-monster-little-girl, and instead be the powerful woman I TRULY am. That gelatinous child is a lie. THIS is truth. It's time to embrace it, in ALL aspects of my life.
Yes, it's ever so fascinating (not!) to know that I have the DNA that these nutcases have in their veins coursing through mine. I'd like to go somewhere and have all traces of them stripped out - is that possible?
Anyway, my grandmother is off her rocker again, and trying anything she can to hurt my mother. That has always been her favorite pastime, especially when she can use "me" to do it. She whines and says that she is an 80 year old woman and just can't take this sort of "abuse and shame" anymore, and that I have dishonored the family name by my actions (hello, Bedlam?) She uses her age to hide behind like she is some sort of weakling, and then strikes out at someone weaker than her - my mother. My mom is a strong woman, but her heart is too big, and the diseases she has makes her an easy target because of the mental afflictions like dementia (think similar to alzheimers).
The thing is, she is using MY name, my person, to try and hurt my mother. Her ultimate goal is to try and turn my mother against me (not that she has a chance of that.) It's weird though, because even though they know I am a grown-up now, they act as if I am still a child. A child who is seen and not heard, a child who has no input on what happens around her. I believe that they feel this way towards me, because she hasn't said a word, OR set eyes on me, in over 23 years. I mistakenly appear as an easy target in their eyes. Something to be used.
But I'm not.
One of the best things about growing up is finding your power.
I am typing out all the personal junk going on to relate it all to something happening right now, but it pertains to every aspect of my life. For so many years, and in so many situations I have felt powerless growing up. I wasn't able to affect anything without recruiting another (like a parent or a teacher, SOMEONE who had some sort of clout.) And if no one could help? Well, what is a child/teen to do? You ARE powerless. For that short time, anyway.
People use different coping skills when faced with this inevitability and helplessness growing up. It's something I think every single person goes through, like a trial by fire to adulthood. I didn't choose the best of coping skills - back then, I ate. And ate. And ATE!
Later, when I moved to Chicago when I was 19 and should have known better, everything seemed out of control and miserable... I ate some more. Yes, it was not an evil witch's curse that brought me bobbing up past 220 lbs. Just me.
I think a lot of my effort to lose weight hasn't been about the pursuit of being thin (though that's one helluva perk), but taking my power BACK.
You see, the one problem about feeling this way as an adult is that you finally DO have power... You just let it slip away sometimes before you realize it. I did, anyway. I ate myself sick in Chicago, literally. Fighting my way back down the scale, not only through the numbers but in the healthy choices was a battle. Not to lose weight, but to regain the power I let slide away before I ever acknowledged it was there. By the time I realized I had once had it, I had to fight tooth and nail to get it back - something that was inherently mine all along.
Last night, everything blew up. The family was once again turned on it's head. In the space of NINE days we had a death, a birth, a funeral, and now this. You have GOT to be kidding me! Worse, this time - I was here to witness MY name being used as a weapon. To hear how horrible these people really are and watch the damage occur. And to be used.
First response? I turned into a 15 year old and hit the ice cream. So did my father and mother. (My husband flew home yesterday morning, and came down with the flu on the way home, but in between puking he was properly enraged and supportive... If not into the junk food, all things considered. Poor thing.)
I sat there, eating the ice cream, feeling tears burn my eyes and anger churn in my belly. Yes anger, after that whole "anger is useless" post. But I still KNEW it was useless. So, I sat there trying to chase down my 31 year old self inside. How is it that one small thing can turn back the clock so many years and shell-shock you into being that helpless child once again?
I can't say what triggered it, but I finally found her again. Me. What was interesting was, all this time I (before the ice cream) felt cold all over. Inside and out, despite the anger churning within. Cold to the bone. And lonely.
The moment I was able to get a firm grasp of myself again, as the 31 year old woman I am now, heat flooded through my veins. Or rather, POWER did. It's very different from anger. Anger stings inside - hurts. Power has the same feeling of hot chocolate on a cold winter day. Power is warm. Power makes you strong. Power makes you - ALL BY YOURSELF - enough.
I don't know why it is so hard to hang on to. I know there are certain instances where I have never let my grip falter on my own personal realization and power, most particularly when it comes to my children. In those areas, I have never wavered. Perhaps it is those instances where they have an attachment to the past wherein I was too young to have the power to make a difference. That attachment, may for some reason, cause a slackening of my hold - for whatever reason. Not that it's any excuse. But to understand, is to open the possibility for change.
I now have that opportunity before me.
I set the ice cream aside, and my 31 year old self got a good look at the sniffling 15 year old sitting there, lost. I am NOT that child any longer. Not in any sense. Not when it comes to the insanity of my extended family. Not when it comes to my food choices, or exercise, or career, or even dealing with the family doctor. I am a full grown, full blooded woman. I deserve respect, and I have the power to make a difference in any aspect of my life I so choose.
And if I let slip my grip on myself, I have the power to change that as well.
Deep down, I know I need to seek out my inner coping skills of the powerless, and replace it with who I am today. With knowledge and action, as well as self realization. This family situation, regardless of how I choose to handle it, will resolve one way or another, but there will always be something else to confront. I need to solidify my hold on who I am, so that when I face adversity I don't turn into the ice-cream-monster-little-girl, and instead be the powerful woman I TRULY am. That gelatinous child is a lie. THIS is truth. It's time to embrace it, in ALL aspects of my life.
Insomnia
Thanks to Maggie, I spent the past 30 minutes playing dress up with my very own meez! ;) Must get sleep now...
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Meet My Nephew!
This is my brand-spankin-new nephew!! Ain't he cuuuuuuute? He was about 10 hours old at this point. He's an old man of 5 days now :) As you can see MY baby was rather taken with the new one. I can't keep her away from him, she ADORES him! :)
(and NO! We're NOT having another one. Sheesh! She keeps asking!)
Friday, July 21, 2006
Hot Farewells
You know what? Funerals suck. And funerals in 117 degree heat suck rocks. *sigh* Actually, it isn't the funeral that is so horrible, it's what it brings out in others.
Today was/is very surreal. I was running late, and everyone was waiting on me (I was late because suddenly I had to dress the kids and find missing shoes and so on, and then went "OOPS!! I haven't brushed my hair yet! EEEK!") So, I wasn't in the best mood to start with. We then drove 40 minutes to the military cemetery, out in the middle of the dessert, with tumble weeds, lizards, buzzards, and prairie dogs darting about. My daughter got car sick on the ride too.
The entire service was outdoors (which I suppose is a good thing considering the gun-salute and all...) So for about 30 minutes we sat in 117 degree heat and listened to the short service, where at the end family was encouraged to speak. I probably never mentioned that my grandfather didn't WANT any funeral at all. My dad overruled that after he died, because he felt that 1) My grandfather didn't want it because he felt he wasn't worth it, and 2) funerals are for the living, not the dead.
My dad and his brothers were ok with saying things - even though it was hard to find anything positive to say due to the hurt he had caused them. Unfortunately, the whole thing put my uncles on the edge. They're a grumpy lot now.
Out of this experience, I have learned something important. I knew it, and was told it before - but that is FAR different from LEARNING it. My new pearl of wisdom? Anger is useless. Truly. There isn't a single redeeming quality to it.
Now, before everyone jumps on me and says anger has it's place, let me explain that I am defining anger in it's purest form. Anger itself IS useless. Frustration, which is different, causes dissatisfaction and motivation for change. Anger simply hurts - ALL THE TIME. The only thing worse than anger is rage, which is not only useless but destructive.
For so long, I was angry at my Grandfather. My father and my uncles have spent their entire lives angry with my grandfather. And what did it bring them? What purpose did it serve? What did it accomplish? Sitting there today, watching everyone on their stone bench, each glaring or staring at the urn, STILL angry - for what purpose? I think to them, and to a lot of people, that to let go of the anger means to give up their validation in being hurt. But that is a misconception.
If you have been hurt, you have been hurt. Period. You have no more right or validation if you are angry. However, being angry continues to hurt YOU. Anger serves no purpose, except perhaps for the opposing side who wronged you in the first place.
Over 16 years, I spent time being angry with my Grandfather. I was wrong to be so. Not for his sake, but for my own. It's not worth rehashing the past. But what I can say I did get from him after all this time was a perfect clarity and opportunity to truly learn that my anger in all situations is useless. That there is no place for anger, and it's not only a waste of my time, but hurtful to me and others. It's like keeping a grenade in my purse. How stupid is that? Well, I'm done with it. I see what anger has wrought in my life, and in those around me. It's sad, and it's hard and painful to witness.
I don't want that to be what I spend my time on. I don't want that to be my legacy.
Today was/is very surreal. I was running late, and everyone was waiting on me (I was late because suddenly I had to dress the kids and find missing shoes and so on, and then went "OOPS!! I haven't brushed my hair yet! EEEK!") So, I wasn't in the best mood to start with. We then drove 40 minutes to the military cemetery, out in the middle of the dessert, with tumble weeds, lizards, buzzards, and prairie dogs darting about. My daughter got car sick on the ride too.
The entire service was outdoors (which I suppose is a good thing considering the gun-salute and all...) So for about 30 minutes we sat in 117 degree heat and listened to the short service, where at the end family was encouraged to speak. I probably never mentioned that my grandfather didn't WANT any funeral at all. My dad overruled that after he died, because he felt that 1) My grandfather didn't want it because he felt he wasn't worth it, and 2) funerals are for the living, not the dead.
My dad and his brothers were ok with saying things - even though it was hard to find anything positive to say due to the hurt he had caused them. Unfortunately, the whole thing put my uncles on the edge. They're a grumpy lot now.
Out of this experience, I have learned something important. I knew it, and was told it before - but that is FAR different from LEARNING it. My new pearl of wisdom? Anger is useless. Truly. There isn't a single redeeming quality to it.
Now, before everyone jumps on me and says anger has it's place, let me explain that I am defining anger in it's purest form. Anger itself IS useless. Frustration, which is different, causes dissatisfaction and motivation for change. Anger simply hurts - ALL THE TIME. The only thing worse than anger is rage, which is not only useless but destructive.
For so long, I was angry at my Grandfather. My father and my uncles have spent their entire lives angry with my grandfather. And what did it bring them? What purpose did it serve? What did it accomplish? Sitting there today, watching everyone on their stone bench, each glaring or staring at the urn, STILL angry - for what purpose? I think to them, and to a lot of people, that to let go of the anger means to give up their validation in being hurt. But that is a misconception.
If you have been hurt, you have been hurt. Period. You have no more right or validation if you are angry. However, being angry continues to hurt YOU. Anger serves no purpose, except perhaps for the opposing side who wronged you in the first place.
Over 16 years, I spent time being angry with my Grandfather. I was wrong to be so. Not for his sake, but for my own. It's not worth rehashing the past. But what I can say I did get from him after all this time was a perfect clarity and opportunity to truly learn that my anger in all situations is useless. That there is no place for anger, and it's not only a waste of my time, but hurtful to me and others. It's like keeping a grenade in my purse. How stupid is that? Well, I'm done with it. I see what anger has wrought in my life, and in those around me. It's sad, and it's hard and painful to witness.
I don't want that to be what I spend my time on. I don't want that to be my legacy.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
The Art Of Giving Up
Yesterday, my mother informed me that she has officially decided to give up on her weightloss struggles. She has decided she has had enough.
My mother is 53 years old, and she has spent her whole life struggling with weight. Before I was born, and during my childhood she was a bulemic anorexic. She worked out constantly, barely ate anything, and when she did, she threw it up. She destroyed her teeth and her thyroid. She also got a lot of liposuction and a tummy tuck when I was about eight (nothing against either of these things, I just can't picture what she looked like before or after since I was a kid and didn't care. It's just that back then it was a lot riskier than it is now, since it was basically a newly available procedure.)
Now, she is a grandmother. She likes her role as grandma, and is ok with being fluffy. My mother is about 5'7 (maybe a bit shorter) and about 205 lbs. She also has MS (multiple sclerosis) and fibromyalgia, and a couple other things. So her options are rather limited right now. Because of this, food brings her satisfaction when so little else does. She cannot work. She can't even read (her eyes won't focus, it's part of the MS). She announced that while she knows she is more comfortable at a much lower weight, it just isn't worth the struggle anymore. My father, without all those physical limitations of diseases, is likely to join her in letting go.
Why am I bringing this up today? Because I can't decide if what they're doing is a good thing or a horrible thing (not that it's my decision and I have kept my opinion to myself.) My question is: When does your quality of life come into question with trying to lead a healthy one? When do you decide that both aspects aren't providing the same thing?
To my mother, not being able to have a bowl of ice cream every day, or more than one when the mood takes her, isn't worth being 150 lbs. Or even 180 lbs. Trying to eat things that don't appeal to her, or are hard (her MS is SEVERE, so even chewing is a massive effort) aren't worth the trade-off to her. Losing weight isn't worth the effort, and what she will lose by doing so. More than that, she knows that she would revert to her normal habits once the weight did come off.
The key to losing weight and maintaining it is to create permanent habits that are healthy. Your weight, your body, is a SIDE EFFECT of how you live. Period. There is no way around it. The visible aspect of being thin is the smallest side effect of how you are going through your days. There is more at stake than being thin though, there is health and well being. But what happens when you don't have your health?
Inside, I feel that she would still be healthier if she ate healthy foods. It's a fact. But it isn't enough. She's so sick, that the little bit of health she would gain would be virtually unnoticeable. She doesn't really mind how she looks now, because she sees herself as the way a grandmother should look. She isn't wrong, she looks like the stereotypical grandmother in a cottage baking cookies. For my mother, could giving up actually be the right choice?
My father, who will likely follow suit with all of this, is in much better health than my mother. Would it be right for him to give up as well, being in the same house as my mother? He is going on 60. He has his health issues too, but not like my mother. However, as a caretaker of my mother he is taxed physically and mentally (he also works full time.) Not to mention, he doesn't WANT to give up certain things (like Pepsi and Taco Bell) and he feels he has no time, energy or desire to do any exercise.
I think that my parents, while facing some extenuating circumstances, are probably in good company with a lot of people out there. Everyone has their reasons about why they can't exercise, or choose and apple over a chocolate bar. What I am starting to wonder is whether there are any GOOD reasons? Good enough to just let it all go?
If the majority of Americans are overweight and obese, and with that often comes physical limitations in the form of diseases and illness, I figure quite a few of those people are in a similar situation as my parents. Maybe not as dire, but some - definitely. When you are in the situation, something small can seem just as dire too. My guess is that this question runs through people's minds on a frequent basis - when is it OK to give up? When is it ok to just let it go?
It's something I have even thought about for myself. I've been at 170 lbs and fit for a long time now. It's true, I was kicking along and maintaining at 150 lbs for a long time before I screwed up my metabolism with my marathon training, and packed on the pounds against my will regardless of what I ate. But, while things are returning to an almost normal metabolism, I haven't returned back down to my normal weight.
I've been this weight for almost a year and a half now. True, I wasn't able to lose weight no matter what I did until last October. But that was OCTOBER.
2005.
Hello!!! What the hell have I been doing!?!?!?
I've been exercising, a lot. That isn't the problem, because a smaller body, less body fat, is made in the kitchen - not the gym. Now, one small thing in my defense - I have to eat WAY less than a normal person to lose weight, because my metabolism is NOT back to normal. I'm 5'10 - yet I have to eat around 1200-1400 calories a day to lose a POUND a week, if that. NO, that is not normal. NO, I don't recommend it. Yes, I have tried many other things (including upping calories for a while and so on.) It's not up for debate, it's just the way it is. The upshot is that eating more doesn't cause me to gain either - I seem to just be hanging here. But even though it may be harder for me to lose weight, well - SO WHAT!??!?!
Anyway, it has shot through my mind that "Hey, you're fit. You workout 6 days a week. You can bench press more than your body weight, and free squat more than twice your body weight, and leg press over three times your body weight. You can run for miles - albeit with pain because of your stupid foot. You can bike for hours, keep up with your kids, and do everything you need to do without hindrance. You generally FEEL good too." The last component is looking how I feel.
That part is hard, because on so many levels it is a shallow goal. Yet, it isn't unworthy either. Weight plays a significant role in how I feel about myself. I know, I have heard all the psycho-babble about how that isn't healthy. Yeah, well, get over it, because it's a fact about who I am. It MATTERS to me. The question is simply, How Much?
What is interesting about being out here, is that even being a rather fluffy gal - being a personal trainer makes people uncomfortable. Remember how I mentioned that when my parents last came to visit me, every comment was about weight or calories or something? THIS is why. They know how much fitness has become a part of my life, and it literally makes them uncomfortable, I think. I have seen it with some other people as well.
In my mind, I tend to think that people would dismiss my knowledge because I'm not a barbie doll. But then again, my mother pointed out that regardless, I look visibly fit - if not thin-thin. She said it's evident in the way I carry myself. My arms, back, etc. The fact that I can pick up my eight year old along with my five year old and think nothing of it. That I choose eggwhites and oatmeal in the morning over frosted flakes. That all of that combined with the knowledge that I am a personal trainer can set people on edge who might not be making the best choices, even though I don't say ANYTHING at all, because it isn't my place. I don't want to inflict my opinion on people like that, or my choices. If they want to ask me something, I'll be more than happy to help - but I am not the food and exercise police and I am not judging anyone.
Which brings me back to my question. I am not judging, I am just asking - do you think there is ever a time to just give up? Have you thought about it? Did you? Perhaps I should rephrase, I'm using my mother's wording by saying "give up", but really she is simply talking about maintaining her lifestyle that she is in currently - not gaining more or heading further in the wrong direction. Simply staying where she is and going forward accepting that this is it, and this is the lifestyle she wants to maintain forever.
What do you think?
EDIT: Wanting to add that I am NOT giving up. I know it means more to me. (and sorry about the bazillion posts, blogger freaked out.
My mother is 53 years old, and she has spent her whole life struggling with weight. Before I was born, and during my childhood she was a bulemic anorexic. She worked out constantly, barely ate anything, and when she did, she threw it up. She destroyed her teeth and her thyroid. She also got a lot of liposuction and a tummy tuck when I was about eight (nothing against either of these things, I just can't picture what she looked like before or after since I was a kid and didn't care. It's just that back then it was a lot riskier than it is now, since it was basically a newly available procedure.)
Now, she is a grandmother. She likes her role as grandma, and is ok with being fluffy. My mother is about 5'7 (maybe a bit shorter) and about 205 lbs. She also has MS (multiple sclerosis) and fibromyalgia, and a couple other things. So her options are rather limited right now. Because of this, food brings her satisfaction when so little else does. She cannot work. She can't even read (her eyes won't focus, it's part of the MS). She announced that while she knows she is more comfortable at a much lower weight, it just isn't worth the struggle anymore. My father, without all those physical limitations of diseases, is likely to join her in letting go.
Why am I bringing this up today? Because I can't decide if what they're doing is a good thing or a horrible thing (not that it's my decision and I have kept my opinion to myself.) My question is: When does your quality of life come into question with trying to lead a healthy one? When do you decide that both aspects aren't providing the same thing?
To my mother, not being able to have a bowl of ice cream every day, or more than one when the mood takes her, isn't worth being 150 lbs. Or even 180 lbs. Trying to eat things that don't appeal to her, or are hard (her MS is SEVERE, so even chewing is a massive effort) aren't worth the trade-off to her. Losing weight isn't worth the effort, and what she will lose by doing so. More than that, she knows that she would revert to her normal habits once the weight did come off.
The key to losing weight and maintaining it is to create permanent habits that are healthy. Your weight, your body, is a SIDE EFFECT of how you live. Period. There is no way around it. The visible aspect of being thin is the smallest side effect of how you are going through your days. There is more at stake than being thin though, there is health and well being. But what happens when you don't have your health?
Inside, I feel that she would still be healthier if she ate healthy foods. It's a fact. But it isn't enough. She's so sick, that the little bit of health she would gain would be virtually unnoticeable. She doesn't really mind how she looks now, because she sees herself as the way a grandmother should look. She isn't wrong, she looks like the stereotypical grandmother in a cottage baking cookies. For my mother, could giving up actually be the right choice?
My father, who will likely follow suit with all of this, is in much better health than my mother. Would it be right for him to give up as well, being in the same house as my mother? He is going on 60. He has his health issues too, but not like my mother. However, as a caretaker of my mother he is taxed physically and mentally (he also works full time.) Not to mention, he doesn't WANT to give up certain things (like Pepsi and Taco Bell) and he feels he has no time, energy or desire to do any exercise.
I think that my parents, while facing some extenuating circumstances, are probably in good company with a lot of people out there. Everyone has their reasons about why they can't exercise, or choose and apple over a chocolate bar. What I am starting to wonder is whether there are any GOOD reasons? Good enough to just let it all go?
If the majority of Americans are overweight and obese, and with that often comes physical limitations in the form of diseases and illness, I figure quite a few of those people are in a similar situation as my parents. Maybe not as dire, but some - definitely. When you are in the situation, something small can seem just as dire too. My guess is that this question runs through people's minds on a frequent basis - when is it OK to give up? When is it ok to just let it go?
It's something I have even thought about for myself. I've been at 170 lbs and fit for a long time now. It's true, I was kicking along and maintaining at 150 lbs for a long time before I screwed up my metabolism with my marathon training, and packed on the pounds against my will regardless of what I ate. But, while things are returning to an almost normal metabolism, I haven't returned back down to my normal weight.
I've been this weight for almost a year and a half now. True, I wasn't able to lose weight no matter what I did until last October. But that was OCTOBER.
2005.
Hello!!! What the hell have I been doing!?!?!?
I've been exercising, a lot. That isn't the problem, because a smaller body, less body fat, is made in the kitchen - not the gym. Now, one small thing in my defense - I have to eat WAY less than a normal person to lose weight, because my metabolism is NOT back to normal. I'm 5'10 - yet I have to eat around 1200-1400 calories a day to lose a POUND a week, if that. NO, that is not normal. NO, I don't recommend it. Yes, I have tried many other things (including upping calories for a while and so on.) It's not up for debate, it's just the way it is. The upshot is that eating more doesn't cause me to gain either - I seem to just be hanging here. But even though it may be harder for me to lose weight, well - SO WHAT!??!?!
Anyway, it has shot through my mind that "Hey, you're fit. You workout 6 days a week. You can bench press more than your body weight, and free squat more than twice your body weight, and leg press over three times your body weight. You can run for miles - albeit with pain because of your stupid foot. You can bike for hours, keep up with your kids, and do everything you need to do without hindrance. You generally FEEL good too." The last component is looking how I feel.
That part is hard, because on so many levels it is a shallow goal. Yet, it isn't unworthy either. Weight plays a significant role in how I feel about myself. I know, I have heard all the psycho-babble about how that isn't healthy. Yeah, well, get over it, because it's a fact about who I am. It MATTERS to me. The question is simply, How Much?
What is interesting about being out here, is that even being a rather fluffy gal - being a personal trainer makes people uncomfortable. Remember how I mentioned that when my parents last came to visit me, every comment was about weight or calories or something? THIS is why. They know how much fitness has become a part of my life, and it literally makes them uncomfortable, I think. I have seen it with some other people as well.
In my mind, I tend to think that people would dismiss my knowledge because I'm not a barbie doll. But then again, my mother pointed out that regardless, I look visibly fit - if not thin-thin. She said it's evident in the way I carry myself. My arms, back, etc. The fact that I can pick up my eight year old along with my five year old and think nothing of it. That I choose eggwhites and oatmeal in the morning over frosted flakes. That all of that combined with the knowledge that I am a personal trainer can set people on edge who might not be making the best choices, even though I don't say ANYTHING at all, because it isn't my place. I don't want to inflict my opinion on people like that, or my choices. If they want to ask me something, I'll be more than happy to help - but I am not the food and exercise police and I am not judging anyone.
Which brings me back to my question. I am not judging, I am just asking - do you think there is ever a time to just give up? Have you thought about it? Did you? Perhaps I should rephrase, I'm using my mother's wording by saying "give up", but really she is simply talking about maintaining her lifestyle that she is in currently - not gaining more or heading further in the wrong direction. Simply staying where she is and going forward accepting that this is it, and this is the lifestyle she wants to maintain forever.
What do you think?
EDIT: Wanting to add that I am NOT giving up. I know it means more to me. (and sorry about the bazillion posts, blogger freaked out.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
The Coarse Reality
What is feminine? When you think of what a "woman" is supposed to be, what things do you think of?
While I was flying out to the hottest place on earth (ok, it's not the hottest, but my children and I are contemplating seeing how fast an egg cooks on the sidewalk) there was a movie playing during the six hour flight. It was the movie "Something New", and the main character played by Sanaa Lathan, had a couple scenes where it was VERY clear that she was a regular at the gym - NOT just a cardio bunny.
I was thinking to myself, "Well, that's nice to see - she looks pretty good! Healthy, STRONG. Etc." when right from a couple rows back I heard "look at that! Sh*******T, man, why does a good lookin' woman gotta go messing it up by thinking she can be all muscular and s***?" (by the way, she didn't look that ripped like a fitness model or anything, just nicely defined and clearly strong.)
To which another man, from a different row chimed in "Hmmm, you are right. I don't like coarse women."
Hark, the meeting of the redneck and white-collar man in agreement.
Being that this was such a LOUD statement by both parties on the completely sold out flight, I just HAD to peek behind me over my seat and see who was saying this. As expected, the first guy was in a t-shirt with the arms cut off and a baseball cap, and the second was in a business suit. That wasn't what was surprising, though. It was the amount of people nodding around them in agreement. Male and female alike.
There then ensued a brief commentary on how a woman is "supposed" to be. Small. Soft. Pretty (or as the moron put it "easy on the eyes"). They had a list!
Over on another fitness forum, the question was posed to men asking what they looked for in a woman. This was, as anyone would guess, opening a nasty can of worms. Some men answered generally, others were annoyingly stupid with answers like "Silent", and so on. After all, we must never miss an opportunity to insult the opposite sex, right? Then you had the men who literally had a specific laundry list (i.e. must be between 5'2 and 5'8, and even their bra size.)
It seems that as much as men say they don't look THAT closely, they DO, and there are VERY specific expectations (albeit, ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other depending on the man.) They may whine about how women spend too much time obsessing over every little detail - but the laundry lists of "what men want" were truly staggering.
So, into the more general forum I am throwing out the question of what do YOU think of when you picture how a woman "should be" (physically - not internally. That's one can of worms I will stay out of, for fear I might have to smack someone.) What is repulsive? Those men on the plane and many people around them (though maybe peer pressure had something to do with the display) found the obvious display of strength physically in a woman objectionable. Do you? What else?
What do you think when you see a fitness model type? (try looking at Oxygen if you don't know what I am referring to)
Over the top fitness type? (possibly ripped out of sterioids female body builder type)
Model Type? (Think your classics, like Cristie Brinklie, Claudia Shiffer, etc - super model, not catwalk)
Anorexic starlett? (catwalk)
An Obese woman?
Average Woman (USA, overweight, not obese)?
Short?
Tall?
Why am I asking? Because I am honestly curious what kind of "perfect" we envision, when we think of a woman. And if you are a woman - how does that "perfect" translate to YOU?
What do you have in common with your Perfect, verses the Repulsive aspects you listed?
How do you feel you measure up with your "perfect" image?
Do you feel that your current image in your mind is reasonable?
While I was flying out to the hottest place on earth (ok, it's not the hottest, but my children and I are contemplating seeing how fast an egg cooks on the sidewalk) there was a movie playing during the six hour flight. It was the movie "Something New", and the main character played by Sanaa Lathan, had a couple scenes where it was VERY clear that she was a regular at the gym - NOT just a cardio bunny.
I was thinking to myself, "Well, that's nice to see - she looks pretty good! Healthy, STRONG. Etc." when right from a couple rows back I heard "look at that! Sh*******T, man, why does a good lookin' woman gotta go messing it up by thinking she can be all muscular and s***?" (by the way, she didn't look that ripped like a fitness model or anything, just nicely defined and clearly strong.)
To which another man, from a different row chimed in "Hmmm, you are right. I don't like coarse women."
Hark, the meeting of the redneck and white-collar man in agreement.
Being that this was such a LOUD statement by both parties on the completely sold out flight, I just HAD to peek behind me over my seat and see who was saying this. As expected, the first guy was in a t-shirt with the arms cut off and a baseball cap, and the second was in a business suit. That wasn't what was surprising, though. It was the amount of people nodding around them in agreement. Male and female alike.
There then ensued a brief commentary on how a woman is "supposed" to be. Small. Soft. Pretty (or as the moron put it "easy on the eyes"). They had a list!
Over on another fitness forum, the question was posed to men asking what they looked for in a woman. This was, as anyone would guess, opening a nasty can of worms. Some men answered generally, others were annoyingly stupid with answers like "Silent", and so on. After all, we must never miss an opportunity to insult the opposite sex, right? Then you had the men who literally had a specific laundry list (i.e. must be between 5'2 and 5'8, and even their bra size.)
It seems that as much as men say they don't look THAT closely, they DO, and there are VERY specific expectations (albeit, ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other depending on the man.) They may whine about how women spend too much time obsessing over every little detail - but the laundry lists of "what men want" were truly staggering.
So, into the more general forum I am throwing out the question of what do YOU think of when you picture how a woman "should be" (physically - not internally. That's one can of worms I will stay out of, for fear I might have to smack someone.) What is repulsive? Those men on the plane and many people around them (though maybe peer pressure had something to do with the display) found the obvious display of strength physically in a woman objectionable. Do you? What else?
What do you think when you see a fitness model type? (try looking at Oxygen if you don't know what I am referring to)
Over the top fitness type? (possibly ripped out of sterioids female body builder type)
Model Type? (Think your classics, like Cristie Brinklie, Claudia Shiffer, etc - super model, not catwalk)
Anorexic starlett? (catwalk)
An Obese woman?
Average Woman (USA, overweight, not obese)?
Short?
Tall?
Why am I asking? Because I am honestly curious what kind of "perfect" we envision, when we think of a woman. And if you are a woman - how does that "perfect" translate to YOU?
What do you have in common with your Perfect, verses the Repulsive aspects you listed?
How do you feel you measure up with your "perfect" image?
Do you feel that your current image in your mind is reasonable?
Monday, July 17, 2006
Seeing The Balance
Last night my nephew was born, at about 11PM. Everyone is doing great, but I have yet to visit the baby. My own were being tucked into bed when we got the call, so I couldn't go. This ended up being a good thing since I got ill in the middle of the night.
I think it's all the rich food we've been into. I never feel good when I go out to eat anyway, and doing it three days in a row has not a healthy Kyra made. *blah* I'm just ever so grateful that my scale is located thousands of miles and a couple time zones away! HA! Regardless, though - I cannot do this anymore. I do not want to spend the next three weeks feeling like I have the flu and packing on the pounds. NO thank you.
I did get in my Yoga yesterday, and I'm about to go do my Core Synergistics workout in a minute (I figured that a few minutes spent absorbing some H2O would be a good idea, even though I wager I'm carrying about half the water supply of AZ right now.) So, I'm 100% on schedule with my workouts. Haven't missed any yet. I've even been swimming with the kids (in the BATH WARM pool, cause it's freakin' HOT here!) It's the food I'm going to have to get tough on.
Everyone is so "HAPPY! To see you!" And everyone wants to go out to eat. I 100% know that is no excuse. I can order something to my own specifications (though I don't trust them) or skip the meal entirely. I KNOW. I just never get to eat out. I am not someone who can go to a restaurant and spend 10 times the amount for something I could make at home, when I NEVER get to go out to eat. Since I go so rarely, I feel I should have something I would never have otherwise. Normally, this is just fine since I usually get out to eat about once every one to two months. Seriously. No real damage to be had there! Of course, that isn't the case here.
However, I now see why they say the average person eats out a minimum of 13 times a week. When you live totally surrounded by every chain store imaginable, it isn't just easy - it's a part of the culture. I sat in complete amazement while my parents left the house specifically to get lunch, and went through the drive thru at Burger King for my son, and Arby's for my daughter. I cannot even imagine doing that, going to different stores for different members of the family (or leaving the house just to eat.) apparently, they do it all the time. I remember vaguely being around lots of restaurants from my stint when I lived in Chicago, but even then there weren't THIS many options.
I also have a weird thing about drive thru's - I don't do them. Seriously, they make me totally uncomfortable so I don't go through to order anything and I don't want to make the effort to go into the restaurants. So I seem to be safe from fast food for the most part. I know, I'm weird. I also don't call for food either, it disturbs me. If we have to call in an order or reservations for something, I have ALWAYS made hubby do it (Yes, it's amazing we've stayed married this long, considering how neurotic I am.)
Luckily, where we live no one delivers anyway, and there is only ONE fast food restaurant within an hour radius of us. I see that as a perk! Oh, and I should probably mention it's a perk we'll be keeping. The company couldn't come through on an acceptable relocation package, but more than that - hubby figured out he didn't want to go. He likes Vermont, and our little slice of it, and how things are for the family. It wasn't worth it to him to give up. This has rather set me free to go "YAY! I'm back in college officially! Oh no! I'm back in college officially!" ;)
Well, today I have my workout. Then we're going to hang out until my mom gets up (could be a while since they DID go to the hospital last night to see the new grandbaby.) Then we're supposed to go see the baby, and then go and pick up my grandfather's ashes (how's that for a weird combo? And if anyone starts singing The Circle Of Life, I will personally come to your house and swat you.) THEN we're supposed to go to the Mall. A REAL mall... *gasp*
;) We'll see. Me thinks we have a bit much on our schedule as it is.
Oh, and my father instructed that the ashes can just go in the backseat. Um... Are you supposed to use a seatbelt?
I think it's all the rich food we've been into. I never feel good when I go out to eat anyway, and doing it three days in a row has not a healthy Kyra made. *blah* I'm just ever so grateful that my scale is located thousands of miles and a couple time zones away! HA! Regardless, though - I cannot do this anymore. I do not want to spend the next three weeks feeling like I have the flu and packing on the pounds. NO thank you.
I did get in my Yoga yesterday, and I'm about to go do my Core Synergistics workout in a minute (I figured that a few minutes spent absorbing some H2O would be a good idea, even though I wager I'm carrying about half the water supply of AZ right now.) So, I'm 100% on schedule with my workouts. Haven't missed any yet. I've even been swimming with the kids (in the BATH WARM pool, cause it's freakin' HOT here!) It's the food I'm going to have to get tough on.
Everyone is so "HAPPY! To see you!" And everyone wants to go out to eat. I 100% know that is no excuse. I can order something to my own specifications (though I don't trust them) or skip the meal entirely. I KNOW. I just never get to eat out. I am not someone who can go to a restaurant and spend 10 times the amount for something I could make at home, when I NEVER get to go out to eat. Since I go so rarely, I feel I should have something I would never have otherwise. Normally, this is just fine since I usually get out to eat about once every one to two months. Seriously. No real damage to be had there! Of course, that isn't the case here.
However, I now see why they say the average person eats out a minimum of 13 times a week. When you live totally surrounded by every chain store imaginable, it isn't just easy - it's a part of the culture. I sat in complete amazement while my parents left the house specifically to get lunch, and went through the drive thru at Burger King for my son, and Arby's for my daughter. I cannot even imagine doing that, going to different stores for different members of the family (or leaving the house just to eat.) apparently, they do it all the time. I remember vaguely being around lots of restaurants from my stint when I lived in Chicago, but even then there weren't THIS many options.
I also have a weird thing about drive thru's - I don't do them. Seriously, they make me totally uncomfortable so I don't go through to order anything and I don't want to make the effort to go into the restaurants. So I seem to be safe from fast food for the most part. I know, I'm weird. I also don't call for food either, it disturbs me. If we have to call in an order or reservations for something, I have ALWAYS made hubby do it (Yes, it's amazing we've stayed married this long, considering how neurotic I am.)
Luckily, where we live no one delivers anyway, and there is only ONE fast food restaurant within an hour radius of us. I see that as a perk! Oh, and I should probably mention it's a perk we'll be keeping. The company couldn't come through on an acceptable relocation package, but more than that - hubby figured out he didn't want to go. He likes Vermont, and our little slice of it, and how things are for the family. It wasn't worth it to him to give up. This has rather set me free to go "YAY! I'm back in college officially! Oh no! I'm back in college officially!" ;)
Well, today I have my workout. Then we're going to hang out until my mom gets up (could be a while since they DID go to the hospital last night to see the new grandbaby.) Then we're supposed to go see the baby, and then go and pick up my grandfather's ashes (how's that for a weird combo? And if anyone starts singing The Circle Of Life, I will personally come to your house and swat you.) THEN we're supposed to go to the Mall. A REAL mall... *gasp*
;) We'll see. Me thinks we have a bit much on our schedule as it is.
Oh, and my father instructed that the ashes can just go in the backseat. Um... Are you supposed to use a seatbelt?
Friday, July 14, 2006
It's Freakin' HOT!
Wholly crap people! Sorry.... Bad language.... But OMG it's HOT here! It took a puddle jumper (looks like a wind-up toy if you ask me - why not just strap me on the top of a hang-glider?) and a giant jet that was over booked by 12 people to get here.
Who knew THAT MANY PEOPLE would want to come to a place that is 120 degrees right now?!!!?!??!
I have had quite the trip, though I think someone was messing with me, to be honest. I mean, what would you think if you just sat down on the first flight, buckled your seatbelt, and a blonde in a tight flight attendant uniform comes bouncing up to you and announces that her name is BAMBI? As if this should win her a medal or something? WITH the half-giggle that you are all thinking about and then saying to yourself "oh no one would REALLY do that, would they?"
Yes. Really.
Really, really.
The pilots looked like a bunch of college kids on spring break, but in a suit 'cause mommy told 'em to wear one, and they made ample use of the intercom. Apparently, they were rather taken with Bambi's name too, because everytime they had to announce something, they would find a way to work her name into it.
It only went downhill from there. Every joke you have ever heard about flying happened. On one flight a screaming baby was in the row right in front of us. I don't mean a fussing baby. I don't mean a crying baby. I mean a SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAMING baby, so loud that I feared for the integrity of the cabin pressure as the windows rattled for FIVE HOURS straight. Then there were kids bouncing balls off the ceiling. College-co-eds being rowdy in the back. An entire little league team (not the ones bouncing the balls.) A little old lady who thought bringing her yapping three pound dog on "an adventure" was what fido needed to come out of his shell (and defecate in the carrying case.) Sections of a marching band (...this one time? ....At band camp?)
I could go on and on, and this is just when the flight was actually IN progress. Why is it that people think they're the most important person on the flight, and the second the desk-person hiccups into the intercom at the gate, they go stampeding to get on the flight before everyone else? Is this because of the massive over-booking that these jerk-airlines have been doing?
I admit, I have been booted from a flight before, even though I had bought my tickets six months prior, had my boarding passes and seat assignments and was there on time, because they had over booked by a lot, and half of a 10 person family was on board, so I was so UNimportant, the decided to boot me. Without compensation now - because they actually started sneaking in "overbooking" practices into their agreements (some have, some haven't, watch for it when you buy a ticket.)
Either way, it was mildly amusing to sit back and watch 70 people try and cram their way through the gate at the exact same time (even though they only called the 25 and up rows.) Since we were in the front of the plane, I got to sit back and watch the antics. I'm not entirely sure, but I think at least two people were elbowed, a couple fabulous gut shots with some suspiciously swinging carry-on's, and several squashed toes were witnessed. Of course, these same people were a lot LESS amusing when it was time to get OFF the plane.
Ok, show of hands - how many people have almost, or have been shoved over in the aisle while waiting to get off the plane because the people in the back are in such a rush they cause a domino effect? BEFORE they even open the damn door to get off the plane? Seriously, I want to start carrying a tazer with me everytime I fly now. *grrrrr* I'd love to see how these people would react if the plane actually had to make an emergency landing and get people out in a "safe and orderly fashion". Ok, no I wouldn't - I don't like watching horror movies.
And last but not least, my joy at the baggage claim. I have officially decided to purchase the most gaudy suitcases I can find. Right now, everything I own is black. JUST - LIKE - EVERYONE - ELSE'S - LUGGAGE. It never fails, I grab my suitcase...
"Ma'AM!!!! MAAAAA-am!!! Are you SURE that is yours?"
Well, let me think.... There are 150 other black suitcases scrolling by, this one has my name on it, not to mention the annoying Disney tag and sticker - but hey, since you are in doubt that yours could POSSIBLY be one of the other bazillion black cases scrolling by, let me pull out some of my underwear and see if it fits!
*sigh*
Anyway, we made it here, my kids were great. We survived the heat outside looking for the car because mom forgot where she parked (she has MS, and dementia is a part of that) which was fun in jeans in the heat on the black asphalt. Then when we got here, her dog proceeded to come up to me when I was sitting on the floor, hop up on my while wagging his tail in happiness...And pee all over me. (apparently it's a nervous habit of his when he's excited. Joy.)
Yep, it's good to be here! LOL
I'm going to find my bikini and hit the pool. I may not come back. Send chocolate.... ;)
Who knew THAT MANY PEOPLE would want to come to a place that is 120 degrees right now?!!!?!??!
I have had quite the trip, though I think someone was messing with me, to be honest. I mean, what would you think if you just sat down on the first flight, buckled your seatbelt, and a blonde in a tight flight attendant uniform comes bouncing up to you and announces that her name is BAMBI? As if this should win her a medal or something? WITH the half-giggle that you are all thinking about and then saying to yourself "oh no one would REALLY do that, would they?"
Yes. Really.
Really, really.
The pilots looked like a bunch of college kids on spring break, but in a suit 'cause mommy told 'em to wear one, and they made ample use of the intercom. Apparently, they were rather taken with Bambi's name too, because everytime they had to announce something, they would find a way to work her name into it.
It only went downhill from there. Every joke you have ever heard about flying happened. On one flight a screaming baby was in the row right in front of us. I don't mean a fussing baby. I don't mean a crying baby. I mean a SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAMING baby, so loud that I feared for the integrity of the cabin pressure as the windows rattled for FIVE HOURS straight. Then there were kids bouncing balls off the ceiling. College-co-eds being rowdy in the back. An entire little league team (not the ones bouncing the balls.) A little old lady who thought bringing her yapping three pound dog on "an adventure" was what fido needed to come out of his shell (and defecate in the carrying case.) Sections of a marching band (...this one time? ....At band camp?)
I could go on and on, and this is just when the flight was actually IN progress. Why is it that people think they're the most important person on the flight, and the second the desk-person hiccups into the intercom at the gate, they go stampeding to get on the flight before everyone else? Is this because of the massive over-booking that these jerk-airlines have been doing?
I admit, I have been booted from a flight before, even though I had bought my tickets six months prior, had my boarding passes and seat assignments and was there on time, because they had over booked by a lot, and half of a 10 person family was on board, so I was so UNimportant, the decided to boot me. Without compensation now - because they actually started sneaking in "overbooking" practices into their agreements (some have, some haven't, watch for it when you buy a ticket.)
Either way, it was mildly amusing to sit back and watch 70 people try and cram their way through the gate at the exact same time (even though they only called the 25 and up rows.) Since we were in the front of the plane, I got to sit back and watch the antics. I'm not entirely sure, but I think at least two people were elbowed, a couple fabulous gut shots with some suspiciously swinging carry-on's, and several squashed toes were witnessed. Of course, these same people were a lot LESS amusing when it was time to get OFF the plane.
Ok, show of hands - how many people have almost, or have been shoved over in the aisle while waiting to get off the plane because the people in the back are in such a rush they cause a domino effect? BEFORE they even open the damn door to get off the plane? Seriously, I want to start carrying a tazer with me everytime I fly now. *grrrrr* I'd love to see how these people would react if the plane actually had to make an emergency landing and get people out in a "safe and orderly fashion". Ok, no I wouldn't - I don't like watching horror movies.
And last but not least, my joy at the baggage claim. I have officially decided to purchase the most gaudy suitcases I can find. Right now, everything I own is black. JUST - LIKE - EVERYONE - ELSE'S - LUGGAGE. It never fails, I grab my suitcase...
"Ma'AM!!!! MAAAAA-am!!! Are you SURE that is yours?"
Well, let me think.... There are 150 other black suitcases scrolling by, this one has my name on it, not to mention the annoying Disney tag and sticker - but hey, since you are in doubt that yours could POSSIBLY be one of the other bazillion black cases scrolling by, let me pull out some of my underwear and see if it fits!
*sigh*
Anyway, we made it here, my kids were great. We survived the heat outside looking for the car because mom forgot where she parked (she has MS, and dementia is a part of that) which was fun in jeans in the heat on the black asphalt. Then when we got here, her dog proceeded to come up to me when I was sitting on the floor, hop up on my while wagging his tail in happiness...And pee all over me. (apparently it's a nervous habit of his when he's excited. Joy.)
Yep, it's good to be here! LOL
I'm going to find my bikini and hit the pool. I may not come back. Send chocolate.... ;)
Thursday, July 13, 2006
High Anxiety
I'm feeling completely out of sorts this morning and totally anxious. It's probably because I missed yoga yesterday. I screwed up my Chi or something... ;) Or it could be that in less than 24 hours I'll be on a plane to Arizona with two children for eight hours, to see people I haven't seen in 20+ years, for a funeral (I've never been to one before.)
I admit, I'm procrastinating on the packing this morning. I HATE packing for a trip. Do you know, I used to be the type of person who could get everything I needed for a whole week into a large carry-on-bag? Yes, really! I was GOOD at it! I knew what I needed, I knew where it was located, and I knew how to pack it. It was easy, and to the point. I was NOT going to be one of those women who had 15 bags to check in (matching pink luggage, of course) with every outfit I ever owned packed and at the ready, along with the makings of a full service salon. I HATED checking in bags at all.
Since I had children, I have apparently lost my mind. All ability I had to plan ahead is just GONE. I gave birth, and all sense of efficiency left me. I now cannot even leave the house without snacks, baby wipes (I am SO glad the days of a diaper bag are over, now I just need enough supplies to hose them down when an emergency arises), a change of clothes, medicine (like tylenol, advil, band-aids, bactine, butterfingers - hey you have your medicine and I have mine!), my purse (I used to only carry a tiny wallet in my pocket, I HATE purses) and throw-up bags (we all suffer from severe motion sickness, except for my husband who is a mutant freak and can read in the car for hours. I can't even read road signs without feeling slightly queasy.) All of that is just for a trip to the grocery store.
Imagine my packing nightmare for a three week trip to Arizona. *shudder*
I have the bags laid out in my hallway (because it's important to make your walkways an obstacle course while packing. You need to make sure you can leap through them like snow tires in boot camp! Yeah, baby!) The children keep sneaking things INTO the bags, and every time I pass by, I have to take them back OUT again. (No, we're NOT bringing the musical wind-up rocking horse. No, you cannot take 36 stuffed animals with us. We're NOT bringing your snowsuit. We're not bringing all your dress-up clothes. No, we're not bringing the dog, please don't put him in the suitcase again. No, we're not bringing the other dog either, and don't you even get any ideas about the ducks and chickens.)
I'm also trying to get all the laundry done, AND put away, and everything else cleaned up spic-and-span before we leave. I don't know exactly why, considering I am leaving hubby here, ALONE, for a week. Just him, the pets, beer, chips, pizza, and soccer games on TiVo. The place will be a nightmare when I get back.
So, why do I need to clean it before I leave? It might just be the principle of the matter. Or I really AM an optimist deep down. Now that is a scary thought.
I am trying to plan out my workouts while I am away. I already know I cannot visit the gym out there (I checked out the ones in their area last time and they wanted $8-10 a DAY for a visit, and no temporary memberships or anything. Forget THAT!) I am bringing the P90X DVD's, but my parents only have a set of 2lbs dumbbells. *2* LBS. I cannot imagine how I can make that work for me in any stretch of the imagination.
But, I KNOW they have good sports stores out there. So, I am going to seek them out and find a really good set of resistance bands. I need them anyway, since I snapped my stupid pair in half, and it'll work perfectly for continuing the workout. I briefly contemplated trying to convince my parents they needed a pull-up station. Yeah, I laughed myself sick and then went back to the bands plan.
I think with my bands plan, and what I am able to take with me, I will be able to stay on course with the workouts. But, just in case, I am also bringing my swords. I know I'll be able to do that workout without any issues. Plus, I feel it's important to have a sword with you when facing a situation of a house full of approximately 50 relatives. Hmmm... I wonder what the baggage check people are going to say? (Hmmm... A bazillion children's items, curling iron, underwear, hairbrush, swimsuit, powders of an unknown origin - could be chocolate, leather gloves, strange metal bars, samurai sword.... WTF!?!?) Yeah, I'll be checking in those. ;)
Food is going to be tricky. I am bringing my protein and shake powders (at least SOME of it anyway) and some other things I know I cannot get out there. I'm a little concerned about what I'll be able to get into and when, but well... Frankly, there IS going to be a lot of eating out (and in) because it's going to be a big gathering. I'm going to participate, but my goal here is to moderate myself. I'm sort of leaving things open ended, because I really don't know how this is all going to go down. It's a bit of an enigma at this point.
I hammered out my workout today, and I plan on doing my kenpo workout at 5AM before we head out to the airport. Ok, and I don't know WHAT is wrong with me, but every time I have to do a lot of pull-ups lately I get severely nauseas. Today I had to pause my workout because I literally thought I was going to lose it. If ANYONE has tips on stopping this phenomenon, please let me know. I AM breathing during the pull-ups, and holding my core steady... So.... HELP!!! I don't wanna be the pull-up-puke-queen!
Ok, enough rambling... Sorry about that. Look at it this way, it's like a double entry, since I know I won't be checking in tomorrow in all likelihood. ;) heck, half the family is already there, so who knows when I'll manage to make it to the computer! Oh, who am I kidding, I'll find a way.... Eventually...
I admit, I'm procrastinating on the packing this morning. I HATE packing for a trip. Do you know, I used to be the type of person who could get everything I needed for a whole week into a large carry-on-bag? Yes, really! I was GOOD at it! I knew what I needed, I knew where it was located, and I knew how to pack it. It was easy, and to the point. I was NOT going to be one of those women who had 15 bags to check in (matching pink luggage, of course) with every outfit I ever owned packed and at the ready, along with the makings of a full service salon. I HATED checking in bags at all.
Since I had children, I have apparently lost my mind. All ability I had to plan ahead is just GONE. I gave birth, and all sense of efficiency left me. I now cannot even leave the house without snacks, baby wipes (I am SO glad the days of a diaper bag are over, now I just need enough supplies to hose them down when an emergency arises), a change of clothes, medicine (like tylenol, advil, band-aids, bactine, butterfingers - hey you have your medicine and I have mine!), my purse (I used to only carry a tiny wallet in my pocket, I HATE purses) and throw-up bags (we all suffer from severe motion sickness, except for my husband who is a mutant freak and can read in the car for hours. I can't even read road signs without feeling slightly queasy.) All of that is just for a trip to the grocery store.
Imagine my packing nightmare for a three week trip to Arizona. *shudder*
I have the bags laid out in my hallway (because it's important to make your walkways an obstacle course while packing. You need to make sure you can leap through them like snow tires in boot camp! Yeah, baby!) The children keep sneaking things INTO the bags, and every time I pass by, I have to take them back OUT again. (No, we're NOT bringing the musical wind-up rocking horse. No, you cannot take 36 stuffed animals with us. We're NOT bringing your snowsuit. We're not bringing all your dress-up clothes. No, we're not bringing the dog, please don't put him in the suitcase again. No, we're not bringing the other dog either, and don't you even get any ideas about the ducks and chickens.)
I'm also trying to get all the laundry done, AND put away, and everything else cleaned up spic-and-span before we leave. I don't know exactly why, considering I am leaving hubby here, ALONE, for a week. Just him, the pets, beer, chips, pizza, and soccer games on TiVo. The place will be a nightmare when I get back.
So, why do I need to clean it before I leave? It might just be the principle of the matter. Or I really AM an optimist deep down. Now that is a scary thought.
I am trying to plan out my workouts while I am away. I already know I cannot visit the gym out there (I checked out the ones in their area last time and they wanted $8-10 a DAY for a visit, and no temporary memberships or anything. Forget THAT!) I am bringing the P90X DVD's, but my parents only have a set of 2lbs dumbbells. *2* LBS. I cannot imagine how I can make that work for me in any stretch of the imagination.
But, I KNOW they have good sports stores out there. So, I am going to seek them out and find a really good set of resistance bands. I need them anyway, since I snapped my stupid pair in half, and it'll work perfectly for continuing the workout. I briefly contemplated trying to convince my parents they needed a pull-up station. Yeah, I laughed myself sick and then went back to the bands plan.
I think with my bands plan, and what I am able to take with me, I will be able to stay on course with the workouts. But, just in case, I am also bringing my swords. I know I'll be able to do that workout without any issues. Plus, I feel it's important to have a sword with you when facing a situation of a house full of approximately 50 relatives. Hmmm... I wonder what the baggage check people are going to say? (Hmmm... A bazillion children's items, curling iron, underwear, hairbrush, swimsuit, powders of an unknown origin - could be chocolate, leather gloves, strange metal bars, samurai sword.... WTF!?!?) Yeah, I'll be checking in those. ;)
Food is going to be tricky. I am bringing my protein and shake powders (at least SOME of it anyway) and some other things I know I cannot get out there. I'm a little concerned about what I'll be able to get into and when, but well... Frankly, there IS going to be a lot of eating out (and in) because it's going to be a big gathering. I'm going to participate, but my goal here is to moderate myself. I'm sort of leaving things open ended, because I really don't know how this is all going to go down. It's a bit of an enigma at this point.
I hammered out my workout today, and I plan on doing my kenpo workout at 5AM before we head out to the airport. Ok, and I don't know WHAT is wrong with me, but every time I have to do a lot of pull-ups lately I get severely nauseas. Today I had to pause my workout because I literally thought I was going to lose it. If ANYONE has tips on stopping this phenomenon, please let me know. I AM breathing during the pull-ups, and holding my core steady... So.... HELP!!! I don't wanna be the pull-up-puke-queen!
Ok, enough rambling... Sorry about that. Look at it this way, it's like a double entry, since I know I won't be checking in tomorrow in all likelihood. ;) heck, half the family is already there, so who knows when I'll manage to make it to the computer! Oh, who am I kidding, I'll find a way.... Eventually...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
It's A Mirage!
Nah, it's just me.
I'm going to the desert of sand, palm-trees, scorpions, tarantulas, and OMG it's FREAKIN' HOT OUT HERE!!!! YOU PEOPLE LIVE HERE!??!?! ON PURPOSE?!?!???! land. *ahem* Or, as it's more affectionately known - phoenix, AZ.
My family wants us to fly out tomorrow, but its not happening. So, I'll be packing up myself and the kiddos, and getting the house in order tomorrow, and then catching the "OMG that's EARLY!" flight out of hickville Friday morning (I'm leeeeeeeeeeaving on a jet plane.... Don't know when I'll be back again....lalala...)
Interesting part, the kids and I will be staying out in AZ for 2-3 weeks (we're deciding tonight when we book the tickets.) The local town here is going to be SO angry with me when the find out I won't be painting faces (for FREE mind you, when the lady last year made $1,200 off it) at the town festival. But the funeral is on the same weekend as the festival, so C'est La Vie. My husband is going to come join us just for the actual funeral next weekend.
We finally heard something from Colorado. It was "So, you gonna get back to us with the details?" Ooops. Apparently, our email freaked out and never sent them the information on the negotiation we sent Sunday. Ha. *ahem* Yeah well, so apparently everyone was sitting around waiting to hear something - on both sides.
How freakin' annoying. So, I re-sent everything, and now we'll have to wait even LONGER to find out yes or no, and whether we are going to move based on that and our final break down of the pros and cons. (Sir, may I get an extra side of stress please? This really isn't going to tide me over.)
Letsssseeeee what else. Sister in law is still in labor (she's going to be the type to totally use the "I went through 72 hours of labor with you, you must do what I say!") So no new nephew yet.
Hopped on the scale this morning (because I apparently felt the need to abuse myself) and I was down a total of 8 lbs since Sunday. No, not because of stress, I have been eating all my meals. This is just further evidence of Kyra-sponge-girl in action!
On the positive side, it's good to know I can store water like a camel - considering I am headed into the desert for a few weeks! It says 113 is the high today where my parents are. (I'd like to point out that my parents moved there willingly, and clearly that speaks to a family history of insanity) So, if I put myself in a pool, will I boil? Or just absorb all the water?
I'm going to the desert of sand, palm-trees, scorpions, tarantulas, and OMG it's FREAKIN' HOT OUT HERE!!!! YOU PEOPLE LIVE HERE!??!?! ON PURPOSE?!?!???! land. *ahem* Or, as it's more affectionately known - phoenix, AZ.
My family wants us to fly out tomorrow, but its not happening. So, I'll be packing up myself and the kiddos, and getting the house in order tomorrow, and then catching the "OMG that's EARLY!" flight out of hickville Friday morning (I'm leeeeeeeeeeaving on a jet plane.... Don't know when I'll be back again....lalala...)
Interesting part, the kids and I will be staying out in AZ for 2-3 weeks (we're deciding tonight when we book the tickets.) The local town here is going to be SO angry with me when the find out I won't be painting faces (for FREE mind you, when the lady last year made $1,200 off it) at the town festival. But the funeral is on the same weekend as the festival, so C'est La Vie. My husband is going to come join us just for the actual funeral next weekend.
We finally heard something from Colorado. It was "So, you gonna get back to us with the details?" Ooops. Apparently, our email freaked out and never sent them the information on the negotiation we sent Sunday. Ha. *ahem* Yeah well, so apparently everyone was sitting around waiting to hear something - on both sides.
How freakin' annoying. So, I re-sent everything, and now we'll have to wait even LONGER to find out yes or no, and whether we are going to move based on that and our final break down of the pros and cons. (Sir, may I get an extra side of stress please? This really isn't going to tide me over.)
Letsssseeeee what else. Sister in law is still in labor (she's going to be the type to totally use the "I went through 72 hours of labor with you, you must do what I say!") So no new nephew yet.
Hopped on the scale this morning (because I apparently felt the need to abuse myself) and I was down a total of 8 lbs since Sunday. No, not because of stress, I have been eating all my meals. This is just further evidence of Kyra-sponge-girl in action!
On the positive side, it's good to know I can store water like a camel - considering I am headed into the desert for a few weeks! It says 113 is the high today where my parents are. (I'd like to point out that my parents moved there willingly, and clearly that speaks to a family history of insanity) So, if I put myself in a pool, will I boil? Or just absorb all the water?
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Whoops
I forgot to add to my post that my sister-in-law (married to my brother) went into labor last night with their first child together as well (baby-bro has 2 girls from a previous marriage.)
I feel like the friggen "circle of life"..maybe we should go to the grand canyon after the baby is born and hold him up like the movie "the lion king"?
I feel like the friggen "circle of life"..maybe we should go to the grand canyon after the baby is born and hold him up like the movie "the lion king"?
Monday, July 10, 2006
More Silliness
Well, after the serious slant of my last post, I felt the need to post something lacking in substance!
My husband and I were chatting about one of the online blog question & answer lists going around, asking about favorite movies and the like. One of the questions was "Ever been told you resemble an actor? Which one?"
Now, I have NEVER been told I resemble an actor. Or really anyone else for that matter. Though, I have gotten the random "Hey, you look just like this girl I used to know..." Which I think is ever so much worse than looking like an actor. I don't know why, but it creeps me out to hear that there is someone else running around looking like me. I mean, how DARE they!! Of course, were it some rich and famous actress, well...Maybe it wouldn't be THAT bad.. Oh who am I kidding... MY FACE!! Back off! ;)
Anyway, hubby went rambling on (in pride, no less) that he has been told MANY times he looks like Russell Crow. Ok... Maybe if I stretch my imagination. And I realize he DOES have bright blue eyes (which don't come across on my camera for some odd reason) which ARE the same color as Russell Crowe's... But really.... Other than that, and looking better scruffy than clean shaven, I'm just not seeing it. Am I missing it????
Ok, maybe I can KIND of see it... But... Not so much. Maybe I should get him to work on his accent or something...
Oh, and for some real weirdness.... I tried that celebrity photo face analysis, and my #1 match was Meg Ryan (which is clearly WAY off base), and Hubby matched with Dennis Quaid (in case you aren't following, those two WERE married... Up until she went off with the REAL Mr. Crowe.) Hmmm apparently, I married both men in one, then! HA! That's what you call multitasking!! To get your marriage and your affair over in one swoop! (hmmm any pictures of Russell Crowe rippling with muscle exist? Maybe I could motivate hubby???)
Ok, so I wanna know - who do YOU all look like?
My husband and I were chatting about one of the online blog question & answer lists going around, asking about favorite movies and the like. One of the questions was "Ever been told you resemble an actor? Which one?"
Now, I have NEVER been told I resemble an actor. Or really anyone else for that matter. Though, I have gotten the random "Hey, you look just like this girl I used to know..." Which I think is ever so much worse than looking like an actor. I don't know why, but it creeps me out to hear that there is someone else running around looking like me. I mean, how DARE they!! Of course, were it some rich and famous actress, well...Maybe it wouldn't be THAT bad.. Oh who am I kidding... MY FACE!! Back off! ;)
Anyway, hubby went rambling on (in pride, no less) that he has been told MANY times he looks like Russell Crow. Ok... Maybe if I stretch my imagination. And I realize he DOES have bright blue eyes (which don't come across on my camera for some odd reason) which ARE the same color as Russell Crowe's... But really.... Other than that, and looking better scruffy than clean shaven, I'm just not seeing it. Am I missing it????
Ok, maybe I can KIND of see it... But... Not so much. Maybe I should get him to work on his accent or something...
Oh, and for some real weirdness.... I tried that celebrity photo face analysis, and my #1 match was Meg Ryan (which is clearly WAY off base), and Hubby matched with Dennis Quaid (in case you aren't following, those two WERE married... Up until she went off with the REAL Mr. Crowe.) Hmmm apparently, I married both men in one, then! HA! That's what you call multitasking!! To get your marriage and your affair over in one swoop! (hmmm any pictures of Russell Crowe rippling with muscle exist? Maybe I could motivate hubby???)
Ok, so I wanna know - who do YOU all look like?
P90X Review
I feel it's probably time I posted my review of P90X, since I have gotten a lot of emailed questions on it. (Edit: Ultimate Fitness has contacted me to offer a coupon to everyone for $5 off the program. The code to input at check-out is: smw5off)
I initially started off with the standard P90X, and then switched to P90X Lean (in order to not beat up my husband, due to some scheduling issues.) Because I have done a big portion of both versions, I feel I can offer a pretty well rounded report on it.
The first thing I want to establish is a reminder of where I have come from over the past...Oh.... Eight years. I went from sedentary (220+ lbs), to cardio bunny (mostly tae-bo), to weight training, and then on to the serious fitness freak that you see before you today. I did NOT start this program after getting up off my couch one day and deciding it was the one for me.
This program is NOT a good starting point for ANYONE. I am speaking most directly to those men, and you know who you are, who regardless of your actual fitness level, assume that you can handle anything at any level, simply because of your testosterone and Y chromosome. I'm married to one of these "I can do anything" types, and trust me: he tried P90X, suffered, and dropped it - and he isn't a completely unfit guy either.
If you are interested in P90X, male or female - drop the ego and take their fitness test. For REAL. It will replace your normal workout, because it takes about 40 minutes. It's not a marketing gimmick, it's a necessary thing you should do. Because, if you can't hit everything you need to on the fitness test, you not only aren't ready for P90X, but you might cause yourself injury if you try it.
Now that I have scared everyone off, lets back up for a minute. It's not THAT bad, but you do need a certain higher level of core fitness in order to start in on this program. If you don't have that, there are a lot of places to start. If you have a long way to go, I recommend a doctor's clearance and then daily walks and body weight moves (like push-ups, sit-ups, etc), ramping up to a harder regimen. I also highly recommend Body For Life (NOT NOT NOT BFL for Women, that book is a total waste of good paper, and Eating for life is a good MAINTENANCE cookbook, but not so hot for an actual plan - and by the way, all the success photos/stories in the cookbook are from the ORIGINAL BFL plan, not EFL), but as the ORIGINAL plan was intended. Ignore the "official" website, and all the stupid tweaks people have tried to twist it with. Half.com has a ton of cheap copies ($1.37 when last I checked), so it won't even cost you much to look into it. Once you have completed that, you may or may not be ready for something like P90X, but you can try the fitness test again and find out where your weaknesses are.
The system is a set of DVD workouts which involve a ton of body-weight moves (like push-ups, pull-ups, plyometric moves, etc) as well as cardio and weight training cycles. The equipment you will require is a large enough space to go bouncing about in all directions without causing serious injury or property damage, free-weights of varying sizes, a chin-up bar/station, a yoga mat and blocks, and some people also use bands, as well as push-up bars (optional.)
**A note about the bands - I bought a set from Walmart. I snapped those suckers in half. They stink, don't buy them from Walmart or any of the other major retailers. You need a set of HIGH quality bands if you are going to be using them. I do not know if the set they sell through the Beachbody website are high quality or not, but you can try them or a serious fitness retailer. You need at least a medium weighted resistance band and the heaviest one they have (to mimic pull-ups if you can't do them.)
Personally, I have an interchangeable set of dumbbells with plates. This worked out OK, but there were times I had to hit the pause button because I couldn't get it set up quickly enough. If you have the cash (which I do not), I highly recommend PowerBlocks. I also have a Power-Tower station for the pull-ups. You can buy a standard chin-up bar from a major retailer for about $6, or you can invest in their fancy junglebar version for about $40. My power tower ($70) was a personal "I gotta HAVE IT!" freak-out, so it's not necessary. I just wanted a station that was good for not only pull-ups, but dips, leg raises and other exercises. Yes, I know, fitness freak. But for P90X , you only need the pull-up station, with the ability to do both wide and close handed grips.
The actual workouts range from a plyometric workout, core and cardio, to several weight/target area workouts (like legs & back, or shoulders & arms, etc). There is also a 90 minute Yoga session which you do every week, as well as a cardio workout of Kenpo. My favorite of all the workouts is the Kenpo, because I'm a sucker for anything that involves fighting moves - serious or not. I also value the yoga that has been incorporated because it has helped with some flexibility issues I was struggling with. Since the yoga also comes dead center of the week, it also relieves some tightness that you end up acquiring through the earlier workouts.
The weight workouts are good because there isn't a ton of monotony. You have a lot of different exercises you move through, and you never get bored because of that. The pull-ups aren't as bad as they sound. Yes, they're HARD. Yes, you end up doing a LOT of them. But there are ways to "spot" yourself, and assist with the pull-up until you can switch over to doing them without assistance. The DVD does show you how to do this, even expects you to. If you are interested in just learning about how to get your body doing pull-ups, Stumtuous.com has a whole "how-to" for you to get in gear.
These workouts are hard-core, but they're also geared for your own level. Basically, you will get out of this what you put into it. If you go through this DVD workout like a pansie: only lifting low amounts when you could lift more and doing half-hearted moves when you should be taking it to the mat - well, then you'll only get a blah workout and blah results. But if you hit it with the intensity you KNOW you have, and you work HARD and focused, you will get solid results. The upside to all of this is that it's an unlimited challenge. You keep pushing yourself harder and higher, and you will always be challenged by this workout (which is why I think you don't see many used ones for sale, they're definitely a permanent addition to my DVD library.) But, if you decide to be a slacker, then it's likely the best you'll do is whine that it's not enough and "whyyyyyyyy" doesn't it work for you like it does for everyone else?
This is like life, people. You want it? You gotta put in the effort. Plain and simple. It's a shut-up and put-up situation. In the end, you have the map - if you don't make it there, you have no one but yourself to blame.
From a personal trainer standpoint, I really appreciate that there is a real, serious, intense workout available like this. 99% of the video workouts out there are too weak for me, no matter how much effort I put into it. I think what makes this such a challenging set is because it has so many different types of exercise involved, as well as the open ended room to increase your own intensity level. After these workouts, I actually FEEL like I have worked out. In the case of all the other DVD workouts I have tried, I felt as if I hadn't done enough.
The regular version/schedule is six days of workouts (all different, except the added Ab-Ripper on three days), and then a day of rest (or you can do the stretching DVD which isn't included during the week.) Every three weeks, it changes over to a recovery week. While you still do six workouts, they aren't the weight training ones, so it is a little bit of a break. Not much, but enough. Then it changes to a different line up for three weeks, followed by another recovery week, and again for the last four resulting in a full 13 week program.
P90X also has a version called doubles, which is essentially the regular schedule plus doing the 40 minute CardioX workout (which you only see during the recovery week or on the Lean version) several extra times during the week. I have to tell you straight out that this would drive me INSANE. Doing the P90X Lean version, you do the CardioX workout every week, replacing one of the weight training sessions. If I had to see that cardio DVD that often I would probably lose it. The obvious alternative, however, is simply to add your own cardio workout of about 50 minutes to those days as your extra workout. They're just offering the basic option with their doubles plan, without having to figure out a different workout without guidance.
The program also comes with an eating plan. I will tell you straight that the plan is maintenance level as far as calories go for MOST people. If you are thinking about losing a lot of weight, the eating plan is too much. It's the right kinds of food, and I 100% approve of the layout, it's the quantity verses goal.
*If you are wanting to gain mass, it might be enough calories, or a little low for a male. For a female it might be enough. However, I would like to point out that P90X isn't a muscle-mass increasing routine. It WILL build some muscle, make no mistake, but it is more about power. P90X is about creating strength with what you have, and refining it. Power over size, for all intensive purposes.
* If you want to maintain, I suggest you follow their eating plan as it's laid out. However, I would suggest you monitor your levels of body fat, measurements and scale weight to see if you should add calories or subtract them.
* If you are trying to LOSE weight, this is where things get tricky. The calories are a bit high for women (for men, I would start with it and then adjust as necessary) and I would probably start off about 100-300 calories less than the plan equates to on a daily basis. HOWEVER, you need to understand that these workouts are power oriented workouts. They demand a great deal from your body, not only to rise to the occasion with the proper intensity, but also in the matter of recovery afterwards. If you drop your calories too low, you will wipe yourself OUT. Your workouts will suffer, you will get less results, and frankly, you will just feel AWFUL. So, on the angle of a cutting program, this one walks a fine line.
One of the reasons I chose the P90X Lean version of the schedule was so I could actively pursue the weight loss side of it. It IS easier than the regular version, and obviously less demanding than the Doubles. But even so, it is a demanding routine on the body. Because of that, there is no room for error. You must fuel your body at the appropriate times, or you will feel it. You cannot skip meals, because it will tank you.
Now, one last thing to be clear on. If you are after visible results, you need to understand that those are 80% rooted in your kitchen. What you feed yourself, how much, and when are absolutely KEY. There is no workout, or pill, or magic wand that will enable you to get around this fact. If you don't eat right, you will not see what you are working so hard for. You will experience an increase in strength/power, you will probably even feel better, but you won't SEE it, OR feel as good as you COULD if you did right by your body in the kitchen. You want to see your abs? You could do a million crunches, and it won't make a damn bit of difference if you are eating in excess and the wrong things. It's the one hard fact that people want to deny, yet can never truly do so.
You want to be fit? You gotta do the work. You want to LOOK fit? You gotta do the work AND eat right. It's that simple, it really IS that black and white. No if's, and's or but's.
So, to the point: I like the workout. I like the food plan. And I even like the instructor and his presentation of the whole plan. Oh, one technical note, though - the whole thing is kind of dark. Not that it isn't shot well, it is. It's just that the room it was shot in is dark toned, and there are often shadows in the background which leads to an even darker appearance. This was probably on purpose since it allowed you to 100% focus on the instructor who stood out well against this background. However, it did make it tough to see sometimes because of the glare of lights in my own room against the television, regardless of where the lighting came from (above, or from a lamp or window, etc.) Don't misunderstand me, it's not a poor quality recording at ALL. And hey, maybe it's just me.
If you are now interested in P90X, Ultimate Fitness Gear has contacted me to offer a coupon to everyone for $5 off the program. The code to input at check-out is: smw5off
Edit 2/2008: I have recently been able to try out two of the nutritional supplements many had asked me about, this link is my review of them.
Edit: I wrote this review in July 2006, and recently it has been getting a lot of traffic. I still stand by everything I said. I am not affiliated with Beachbody. Up until now I had been taking questions, but it is becoming more than I can keep up with, so I won't be answering any more. Please see if your question has already been answered in the comments. Thank you!
I initially started off with the standard P90X, and then switched to P90X Lean (in order to not beat up my husband, due to some scheduling issues.) Because I have done a big portion of both versions, I feel I can offer a pretty well rounded report on it.
The first thing I want to establish is a reminder of where I have come from over the past...Oh.... Eight years. I went from sedentary (220+ lbs), to cardio bunny (mostly tae-bo), to weight training, and then on to the serious fitness freak that you see before you today. I did NOT start this program after getting up off my couch one day and deciding it was the one for me.
This program is NOT a good starting point for ANYONE. I am speaking most directly to those men, and you know who you are, who regardless of your actual fitness level, assume that you can handle anything at any level, simply because of your testosterone and Y chromosome. I'm married to one of these "I can do anything" types, and trust me: he tried P90X, suffered, and dropped it - and he isn't a completely unfit guy either.
If you are interested in P90X, male or female - drop the ego and take their fitness test. For REAL. It will replace your normal workout, because it takes about 40 minutes. It's not a marketing gimmick, it's a necessary thing you should do. Because, if you can't hit everything you need to on the fitness test, you not only aren't ready for P90X, but you might cause yourself injury if you try it.
Now that I have scared everyone off, lets back up for a minute. It's not THAT bad, but you do need a certain higher level of core fitness in order to start in on this program. If you don't have that, there are a lot of places to start. If you have a long way to go, I recommend a doctor's clearance and then daily walks and body weight moves (like push-ups, sit-ups, etc), ramping up to a harder regimen. I also highly recommend Body For Life (NOT NOT NOT BFL for Women, that book is a total waste of good paper, and Eating for life is a good MAINTENANCE cookbook, but not so hot for an actual plan - and by the way, all the success photos/stories in the cookbook are from the ORIGINAL BFL plan, not EFL), but as the ORIGINAL plan was intended. Ignore the "official" website, and all the stupid tweaks people have tried to twist it with. Half.com has a ton of cheap copies ($1.37 when last I checked), so it won't even cost you much to look into it. Once you have completed that, you may or may not be ready for something like P90X, but you can try the fitness test again and find out where your weaknesses are.
The system is a set of DVD workouts which involve a ton of body-weight moves (like push-ups, pull-ups, plyometric moves, etc) as well as cardio and weight training cycles. The equipment you will require is a large enough space to go bouncing about in all directions without causing serious injury or property damage, free-weights of varying sizes, a chin-up bar/station, a yoga mat and blocks, and some people also use bands, as well as push-up bars (optional.)
**A note about the bands - I bought a set from Walmart. I snapped those suckers in half. They stink, don't buy them from Walmart or any of the other major retailers. You need a set of HIGH quality bands if you are going to be using them. I do not know if the set they sell through the Beachbody website are high quality or not, but you can try them or a serious fitness retailer. You need at least a medium weighted resistance band and the heaviest one they have (to mimic pull-ups if you can't do them.)
Personally, I have an interchangeable set of dumbbells with plates. This worked out OK, but there were times I had to hit the pause button because I couldn't get it set up quickly enough. If you have the cash (which I do not), I highly recommend PowerBlocks. I also have a Power-Tower station for the pull-ups. You can buy a standard chin-up bar from a major retailer for about $6, or you can invest in their fancy junglebar version for about $40. My power tower ($70) was a personal "I gotta HAVE IT!" freak-out, so it's not necessary. I just wanted a station that was good for not only pull-ups, but dips, leg raises and other exercises. Yes, I know, fitness freak. But for P90X , you only need the pull-up station, with the ability to do both wide and close handed grips.
The actual workouts range from a plyometric workout, core and cardio, to several weight/target area workouts (like legs & back, or shoulders & arms, etc). There is also a 90 minute Yoga session which you do every week, as well as a cardio workout of Kenpo. My favorite of all the workouts is the Kenpo, because I'm a sucker for anything that involves fighting moves - serious or not. I also value the yoga that has been incorporated because it has helped with some flexibility issues I was struggling with. Since the yoga also comes dead center of the week, it also relieves some tightness that you end up acquiring through the earlier workouts.
The weight workouts are good because there isn't a ton of monotony. You have a lot of different exercises you move through, and you never get bored because of that. The pull-ups aren't as bad as they sound. Yes, they're HARD. Yes, you end up doing a LOT of them. But there are ways to "spot" yourself, and assist with the pull-up until you can switch over to doing them without assistance. The DVD does show you how to do this, even expects you to. If you are interested in just learning about how to get your body doing pull-ups, Stumtuous.com has a whole "how-to" for you to get in gear.
I would say the workout I hate the most is the plyometrics, closely followed by the core synergistics. Why? Because plyo is HARD, people! Doesn't mean it's not worth doing. If anything, it's because it's hard that it's worth doing. Though, I admit that near the end of one of the workouts, I looked up to see the instructor doing a push-up where he brought his whole body into the air off the ground (feet and hands) and clapped in mid air, before coming down and doing it again - I almost took off my shoe and threw it at the screen.
The instructor, Tony Horton, is a good looking 40-something guy with a great attitude. Admittedly, at first I found him slightly grating. But I think that was because I have a lot of preconceived notions about DVD workouts, and their instructors. OK, they're not preconceived notions, we're talking outright hostility. If I had to endure another energizer-wind-up-pink-lollipop- cotton-candy-fluffy-should -be-tossed-out-of-a-plane instructor, I was going to lose it. Thank goodness this wasn't the case. Once I was able to understand the rhythm of his sense of humor, I was fine. Honestly, I think he's probably one of the best motivational exercise instructors I have ever seen.
However, for those who don't agree, the DVD's come with the options to play the workout with either the music or the instructor, or both muted and just have it give you your cues on the exercises. So far, I haven't done either, which was a total shock considering my propensity for a lack of patience in this area.
On certain days, you are expected to tack on the 16 minute "Ab Ripper" routine. This thing sucks. Sorry to use the language, but...Well... OW. Necessary, but OW. I also found that I have next to NO patience for tacking it on right after a regular workout. After 60 minutes of lifting weights and doing pull-ups, the last thing I want to do is look at some fresh-faced bunch of people and kill myself with an ab routine. So, what I have done instead is to tack it on later in the day. I'm MUCH happier with this arrangement, and it allows me to draft my husband into doing it with me. It's so much more enjoyable to hear someone else cussing and whining through a workout, than yourself.
These workouts are hard-core, but they're also geared for your own level. Basically, you will get out of this what you put into it. If you go through this DVD workout like a pansie: only lifting low amounts when you could lift more and doing half-hearted moves when you should be taking it to the mat - well, then you'll only get a blah workout and blah results. But if you hit it with the intensity you KNOW you have, and you work HARD and focused, you will get solid results. The upside to all of this is that it's an unlimited challenge. You keep pushing yourself harder and higher, and you will always be challenged by this workout (which is why I think you don't see many used ones for sale, they're definitely a permanent addition to my DVD library.) But, if you decide to be a slacker, then it's likely the best you'll do is whine that it's not enough and "whyyyyyyyy" doesn't it work for you like it does for everyone else?
This is like life, people. You want it? You gotta put in the effort. Plain and simple. It's a shut-up and put-up situation. In the end, you have the map - if you don't make it there, you have no one but yourself to blame.
From a personal trainer standpoint, I really appreciate that there is a real, serious, intense workout available like this. 99% of the video workouts out there are too weak for me, no matter how much effort I put into it. I think what makes this such a challenging set is because it has so many different types of exercise involved, as well as the open ended room to increase your own intensity level. After these workouts, I actually FEEL like I have worked out. In the case of all the other DVD workouts I have tried, I felt as if I hadn't done enough.
The regular version/schedule is six days of workouts (all different, except the added Ab-Ripper on three days), and then a day of rest (or you can do the stretching DVD which isn't included during the week.) Every three weeks, it changes over to a recovery week. While you still do six workouts, they aren't the weight training ones, so it is a little bit of a break. Not much, but enough. Then it changes to a different line up for three weeks, followed by another recovery week, and again for the last four resulting in a full 13 week program.
P90X also has a version called doubles, which is essentially the regular schedule plus doing the 40 minute CardioX workout (which you only see during the recovery week or on the Lean version) several extra times during the week. I have to tell you straight out that this would drive me INSANE. Doing the P90X Lean version, you do the CardioX workout every week, replacing one of the weight training sessions. If I had to see that cardio DVD that often I would probably lose it. The obvious alternative, however, is simply to add your own cardio workout of about 50 minutes to those days as your extra workout. They're just offering the basic option with their doubles plan, without having to figure out a different workout without guidance.
The program also comes with an eating plan. I will tell you straight that the plan is maintenance level as far as calories go for MOST people. If you are thinking about losing a lot of weight, the eating plan is too much. It's the right kinds of food, and I 100% approve of the layout, it's the quantity verses goal.
*If you are wanting to gain mass, it might be enough calories, or a little low for a male. For a female it might be enough. However, I would like to point out that P90X isn't a muscle-mass increasing routine. It WILL build some muscle, make no mistake, but it is more about power. P90X is about creating strength with what you have, and refining it. Power over size, for all intensive purposes.
* If you want to maintain, I suggest you follow their eating plan as it's laid out. However, I would suggest you monitor your levels of body fat, measurements and scale weight to see if you should add calories or subtract them.
* If you are trying to LOSE weight, this is where things get tricky. The calories are a bit high for women (for men, I would start with it and then adjust as necessary) and I would probably start off about 100-300 calories less than the plan equates to on a daily basis. HOWEVER, you need to understand that these workouts are power oriented workouts. They demand a great deal from your body, not only to rise to the occasion with the proper intensity, but also in the matter of recovery afterwards. If you drop your calories too low, you will wipe yourself OUT. Your workouts will suffer, you will get less results, and frankly, you will just feel AWFUL. So, on the angle of a cutting program, this one walks a fine line.
One of the reasons I chose the P90X Lean version of the schedule was so I could actively pursue the weight loss side of it. It IS easier than the regular version, and obviously less demanding than the Doubles. But even so, it is a demanding routine on the body. Because of that, there is no room for error. You must fuel your body at the appropriate times, or you will feel it. You cannot skip meals, because it will tank you.
Now, one last thing to be clear on. If you are after visible results, you need to understand that those are 80% rooted in your kitchen. What you feed yourself, how much, and when are absolutely KEY. There is no workout, or pill, or magic wand that will enable you to get around this fact. If you don't eat right, you will not see what you are working so hard for. You will experience an increase in strength/power, you will probably even feel better, but you won't SEE it, OR feel as good as you COULD if you did right by your body in the kitchen. You want to see your abs? You could do a million crunches, and it won't make a damn bit of difference if you are eating in excess and the wrong things. It's the one hard fact that people want to deny, yet can never truly do so.
You want to be fit? You gotta do the work. You want to LOOK fit? You gotta do the work AND eat right. It's that simple, it really IS that black and white. No if's, and's or but's.
So, to the point: I like the workout. I like the food plan. And I even like the instructor and his presentation of the whole plan. Oh, one technical note, though - the whole thing is kind of dark. Not that it isn't shot well, it is. It's just that the room it was shot in is dark toned, and there are often shadows in the background which leads to an even darker appearance. This was probably on purpose since it allowed you to 100% focus on the instructor who stood out well against this background. However, it did make it tough to see sometimes because of the glare of lights in my own room against the television, regardless of where the lighting came from (above, or from a lamp or window, etc.) Don't misunderstand me, it's not a poor quality recording at ALL. And hey, maybe it's just me.
If you are now interested in P90X, Ultimate Fitness Gear has contacted me to offer a coupon to everyone for $5 off the program. The code to input at check-out is: smw5offEdit 2/2008: I have recently been able to try out two of the nutritional supplements many had asked me about, this link is my review of them.
Edit: I wrote this review in July 2006, and recently it has been getting a lot of traffic. I still stand by everything I said. I am not affiliated with Beachbody. Up until now I had been taking questions, but it is becoming more than I can keep up with, so I won't be answering any more. Please see if your question has already been answered in the comments. Thank you!
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Past Eccentricities
Today is the first day of my College Or Colorado Challenge. While it's true, it's only eight weeks long (because at the end of eight weeks I will be in one or the other,) I will admit that I do plan on carrying on an additional four weeks before I take a break. This is going to push me through to around 26 weeks straight without a rest week involved. I think I'll live... ;) It does feel good to be back to basics.
I haven't been feeling my best the past couple of days thoug
I haven't been feeling my best the past couple of days thoug