It's all about being PC

I'm in school again today (on a break - cause I'm done playing with my homework and graphing calculators for a while. It started yelling at me... Are calculators supposed to do that?)

I have noticed one major theme that all the teachers really harp on - being politically correct. No, SERIOUSLY! I started counting how many times a professor corrected themselves for saying something not 120% PC - for example saying "How many of you guys..." And then the professor backed up and made sure everyone understood that by "guys" he meant everyone, male and female alike. And please don't be offended. And please understand that if we could come up with a good uni-sex term to use on a regular slang basis it would be. Another teacher was chatting about God (in Western Lit, they require you read parts of the bible.... Don't ask...) and she had to apologize about referring to God in the "he" form.

Then there is the whole "Freshman" term being banned from speech here. Not to mention other terms that are I think semi-banned (i.e. "chicks") and then they're changing the names of certain classes as well to reflect this politically correct attitude.

Ok, you know, I am ALL for a normal level of political correctness. Seriously I am, more on the level of eliminating discrimination and exuding and inflicting your prejudice on other people via words. K. Got it. Right on. Peace, man.

But when is it taken too far? How about when you are in college paying an unreasonable amount of money for a class, and about 1/4 of the time is spent backtracking and making sure that no politically incorrect statements were made and that no one was offended in class? I get the sincere feeling that perhaps many teachers have been reported, not just for legitimate PC errors, but for tiny questionable ones as well.

I want a level of respect and decency, but not to the point that it's actually a problem over all. I don't want to be insulted or degraded or anything, but I don't think that when someone says "Hey, are you guys all going to the play tonight?" that it's offensive to anyone. I think offense is when it's INTENDED, or when a word is so deliberately horrid that ANYONE knows better than to use it in any conversation.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering - YES, they do hug trees here. I saw a bunch of people doing just that as I was walking to my car.

*sigh* It's been annoying today, and I'm only halfway done with my classes for the day. The upside is, with the teachers backtracking so often to apologize, my note taking is being kept to a minimum. Not a single hand cramp yet! Woohoo!

In other brighter news, I'm having no problems staying on track consistently with my nutrition plan. Being so busy you can't see straight really IS a benefit. Plus, remembering the last time I was in college and eating junk and how much energy I had to make it through classes, verses how I feel when I eat good - well I can't even imagine taking the risk to feel like I did by having a candy bar or something stupid. My energy is precious with 7 classes, 2 kids, and a busy family life.

Speaking of the kids, when my son arrived home yesterday he just bolted right on past me. *gasp* No "Hi Mommy!" No hugs. Just.... *ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!* I did get a hug later, though. I guess he was happy, things went well, and all is good in the land of Kindergarten.

Ok, NOW my calculator is beeping and turning off and on by itself.... Is it possible for a calculator to be possessed? I mean, this IS a really REALLY old school (heck, this building is probably 150 yrs old.)

Life Checklist Meme

Ok, I stole this from Karl... but I am off at school today, so hey! There ya go! ;)

Checklist Meme
Just bold the things you have accomplished in your life.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink

2. Swam with wild dolphins

3. Climbed a mountain

4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

5. Been inside the Great Pyramid

6. Held a tarantula

7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

8. Said "I love you" and meant it

9. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg

19. Slept under the stars

20. Changed a baby's diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne

24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states

41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced

42. Had amazing friends

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

44. Watched wild whales

45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs

57. Pretended to be a superhero

58. Sung karaoke

59. Lounged around in bed all day

60. Posed nude in front of strangers

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theater

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

69. Toured ancient sites

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made cookies from scratch

78. Won first prize in a costume contest

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. Rafted the Snake River - or was it the Colorado River?

82. Been on television news programs as an expert

83. Got flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music

87. Eaten shark

88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)

89. Had a one-night stand

90. Gone to Thailand

91. Bought a house

92. Been in a combat zone

93. Buried one/both of your parents (stepfather)

94. Been on a cruise ship

95. Spoken more than one language fluently - not quite, but close

96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show

97. Raised children

98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived

105. Wrote articles for a large publication.

106. Lost over 100 pounds

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Petted a stingray

110. Broken someone's heart

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a T.V. game show

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

128. Had your picture in the newspaper

129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Petted a cockroach

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes

134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey

135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident

150. Saved someone's life

97 out of 150. 64.6%.

Hmmm... some of those I am proud I DIDN'T get to bold! ;)

Heart Attack At Midnight

Have you ever been into a good book, and you are so close to the end that you just have to stay up late and finish it? Have you ever done that with a slightly SPOOKY book?

I found myself sneaking into the bathroom (lights out for hubby at 10 PM, so I had to find a new place), perched on the edge of the bathtub and reading until midnight last night. My book was the last in a trilogy, so really, getting to the end was a long time in coming! I just HAD to finish it!

NO, I could not wait until morning.

YES, I know I was being stupid.

I am one of those people who wonders if someday I will die in the middle of reading a book, and thus never know how it would have turned out. Wouldn't that be awful? I can't even walk out of movies, no matter how horrible they are. I just have to hope that the story/issues resolve themselves. I need closure. I HAVE to KNOW!!!

So there I sat, my derriere going numb from the tub, turning pages as if my life depended on it...At midnight. The fact that it was a slightly spooky book didn't help when the sounds of the house settling started to intrude. The owls were out in force last night, and I could have sworn one was perched right outside my bathroom window hooting over my shoulder. I did NOT need extra ambiance, thank you!

Still, I forged my way through to the slightly creepy, yet well resolved end, then tip-toed back out into my bedroom and crawled into bed. Living out in the country has it's perks, and usually I enjoy the fact that I don't have street lamps, or car lights going by to bother me. When it gets dark out here, it gets DARK. Last night it was pitch black. Looking back, I'm lucky I made it to my bed without breaking my neck.

When I laid down, I realized my thoughtful husband had decided to stack the remote controls right on my pillow. Yeah, what a guy. *grr* So, I grabbed them, leaned over my side of the bed to set them on the floor (no nightstands) instead of just dropping them like I usually do. I was being NICE, not making massive amounts of noise...

Ok, have you ever read something creepy, and then realized the area under your bed really could harbor evil creatures of untold proportions? This thought occurred to me about halfway through me dangling my hands over the edge to set the controllers down. So, imagine my reaction when instead of hitting carpet, I came into contact with a giant, warm, hair covered body!

EEK! Visions of giant mutant rats ran through my head!

My Labrador (who is also pitch black) had snuck into my bedroom and half wedged himself under my side of the bed. After I had calmed my racing heart back down to normal, I told Max to go back to his own bed and get out from under MINE. He did, and I tried to mellow out in order to get to sleep.

It took a while, trying to clear my mind of creepy thoughts and think of something else, but I eventually dozed off. I had snuggled up to hubby, and he had his arm around me. All was well. Until...

My 20+ lbs cat decided to jump up onto the bed, directly onto my feet. This jolted me out of sleep with a startled-jump, which made the cat spring into the air in fright (clearly he hadn't expect my feet to be in my bed), which made me jump again, which made my husband jump and startle out of sleep as well, which made ME jump again, which made the cat jump because we were jumping, which made hubby jump because he saw the cat springing into the air freaked out...

OK, ENOUGH ALREADY!

My husband was swearing a blue streak. The cat was offended and stalking around the edge of the bed with his tail puffed out like a bottle brush. Max had come back in, and was curiously resting his head on the bed trying to figure out what the problem was. And I just couldn't help it.... I started laughing until I couldn't breath and had tears streaming down my face.

I'm now grounded from reading novels past 9PM...

School Colors

Ohhhhh, I think I am gonna LIKE going back to college!

I just got back from my college orientation today. I was feeling really out of sorts, and not looking forward to being the "old broad" amongst the twelve year old looking freshmen. So, when I left home this morning I was rather nervous.

However, I somehow immediately fell in with the drama students (I'm majoring in business, so I have no idea how that happened...) and ended up having a great time! The art students seemed to shun me, as I was apparently "selling out" because I was now getting a degree in Business/Marketing. Even though I have a degree in Fine Arts. Whatever. Moving on!

I did get a free t-shirt. It is big enough to cover the entire East Coast - who were they expecting to show up? Sumo-wrestling teams? I think it's only good for covering up a boat (if we ever buy one), camping in it, and sleeping in. But, I GOT ONE!

Two things in particular made my day:

* The drama students thought I was MAYBE about 25 years old. (*doing the snoopy dance* of course, this might explain why all the people around my age or older really didn't deign to speak to me.)

* The hockey team made a point to say hello and talk to me. I now know lots of completely useless facts about hockey. For example, they're not allowed to train with their coach off season. It's against the rules. WHY? No freakin' clue. But, now I know it - and it was explained to me by no less than three handsome, tall, muscular men. I was also asked by numerous guys which dorm I was living in.
*
*
*
*
*

Sorry.... Just needed to bask for a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I KNOW. They were probably just being nice. But let me pretend for a little while, OK???

Sitting through the free lunch in the dining-hall, I felt some of my regret slip away for missing out on the "living at college experience". I can't imagine having to brave the swarm of people three times a day to eat. Ok, OR having to be dressed to eat breakfast. There is a certain satisfaction in having the ability to be in your OWN kitchen in the morning snacking on oatmeal, rather than with the other 1800 new best friends you just moved in with. Plus, if all the cocoa krispies are gone - you know exactly who did it in your house, and how to take revenge in the most precise manner possible.

Perks, I tell ya!

Apparently, the size of the rooms are frighteningly small too. Plus, someone got creative with room assignments. I was told that the hockey team had been paired up with the drama students. Someone might just die. But it's going to be incredibly entertaining to hear about it. (Is that sick, and wrong of me?)

It was NOT all that entertaining to watch the jaws drop around the table when my true age *choke* was revealed. But it all came about when one of the students at the lunch table caught the sparkle of my wedding ring. She actually said very sweetly, "Ohhhh! Are you ENGAGED!"

I choked at that point, and started laughing. One of the girls I had paired up earlier laughed and said "NO she's been married, like, ELEVEN YEARS!" Hey, I wasn't hiding it. I proudly told them I have two fantastic children, to boot. You could tell that most of it just sailed right over their heads, they can't comprehend having children. *sigh* Back to being the old broad, I guess.

Well... Maybe later. I'm going to continue to bask in my pretend world where I am not 31, and an old lady cramming in college between her children's school hours. I may have to go and see at least one hockey game this year, just because. ;)

Order Up!

Ok, this will sound...Well... Stupid.

I'm looking for all kinds of catalogs on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas stuff. Even if it's junky.

You see, my kids are into a major "planning" phase. They absolutely adore holiday catalogs, and they like to circle things, talk about them and pretend to plan a party - or even make their own.

So, if any of you get these types of catalogs - can you tell me from whom? Right now, all we get is The Oriental Trading Company's catalog. I need more... Any ideas?

Frankly, it's going to come in handy anyway, considering I agreed to hold the Halloween party again this year. People must be starved for parties, because I held one for the kids two years back and they're STILL asking if it's going to be happening again. It wasn't even that great... But this year it's going to involve hay rides and everything. So, extra stuff - CHEAP stuff - would be a good thing to have on hand anyway.

Yes, I know people are going to yell at me for bringing up the holidays in AUGUST - but I need time to order catalogs for the kids, not to mention plan for a party of probably 50-100 kids (OMG, someone shoot me) especially since I'll be in the middle of school.

Aging Sucks

How do you know you are getting older?

Your husband manages to severely pull/sprain his hamstring while doing nothing more than lightly jogging up a soccer field, instead of some fantastic save or shot (which he hesitates to admit to you, and is probably telling tall-tales about it to everyone else.)

You manage to do something unfathomably painful to your neck and upper back on the right side, so you can no longer turn your head or MOVE for the most part. The only explanation you can think of for it, is when you stole a hurried glance over your shoulder while in traffic.

Now, without any really GOOD reasons to soothe your egos, the both of you are laying in bed while wrestling over the Advil bottle and the mineral ice container, threatening the other with whatever you can come up with because both are almost empty. Suddenly, you realize that for at least the next WEEK, this is the most action either of you will be seeing.

Then, once everything is settled, you end up offering to PAY (in any way you can think of) your spouse to be the one who gets up to shut the damn garage door that you forgot was open. And the dog that needs to be let out. And then the other dog. And to put the cat away. And to comfort your son who had a nightmare. And to pick up your daughter who just called from the sleep-over and decided she can't make it through the night. Do you hear water dripping? Oh, did we start the dishwasher? Should we leave windows open tonight, since it's going to get down to 43 degrees? Did we bring up anything to drink? Are you hungry? (NO! How can ANYONE be hungry when the entire world to you smells like BENGAY!?!?!?! Seriously, what IS it about guys and being able to eat at any time, no matter what!??!)

It was all back and forth... Actually, I think we ended up breaking even overall. That's good, because I don't think I can't stand upright long enough to bake the damn brownies I had to bribe him with to go pick up his daughter from the sleepover last night. I really don't think he wants to paint my toenails Blush-Me-Baby-Red, either. I think we'll call it square.

Someone fix me.... PLEASE?!?!?!

I'm not entirely sure what I did. It is possible that it's residual from my upper body weights yesterday, but I don't think so. It happened many hours later, without any incident preceding it. It's incredibly painful to turn my neck at all to the right, it's like I have a sprained muscle AND something wrong with the vertebrae in the middle of my neck. I'm trying to decide if this will resolve itself on it's own, or if I want to scrape together the $80 to go see the doctor (yes, that is WITH insurance we pay through the nose for.) Either way, it doesn't look like I'll be working out today.


Ow.

Help...

All Clear!

I'm happy to report that while everything still tastes absolutely wrong (my water tastes like very light juice, my eggwhites tasted like ham - it was just the eggwhites, and my oatmeal a lot like an apple even though it was plain oatmeal with a dash of sugarfree maple syrup in it) that I am otherwise unscathed this morning. I'm migraine free, and fever free - which was probably the result of the migraine anyway.

I am still under siege by the pig-tail-brigade, and my poor dejected son though. Don't suppose there is a cure for that.

This morning I woke up in an almost dead panic about school. I don't know what I had been dreaming, but the inner child in me was screaming "I DON'T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL MOOOOOOM!!!!!" I also have the distinct feeling I have signed over my life for the next two years. I did check my loan promisary note, and it's not signed in blood, so that was a relief.

A side effect of this is that I currently have a fantastic stack of trashy novels to read, but I am feeling pressured to get them all read by Saturday. Which is just stupid. I know. I mean, how many completely shallow romances and cheesy sex scenes can a girl read in three days?

I feel like there are so many aspects of me just slightly off today. I wish I had controls like my monitor and I could adjust the color and brightness (and while I was at it, take off 40 lbs...)

I'm going to see if spending money on back to school kids clothing changes any of this. I feel it's a valid theory, and one that should be tested completely. Therefore, I am agreeing to undertake this most dangerous of scientific experiments and head to the stores momentarily. Should I be lost in said experiment, let it be said that I died for the cause.

Something Strange Is A'foot At The Circle K!

Something is definitely not right.

That migraine I had this morning will not leave me the heck alone!!! I take medication, it takes the edge off for a couple of hours so I can deal with the pig-tail-brigade (daughter is having a sleep over here, husband is off playing soccer with his friends) and my poor alienated son (wow, the dejection of the ousted brother is sad. At five years old, this is probably the biggest disappointment of his life! How's that for perspective?) Then my migraine comes rebounding back.

But there seems to be more going on than even that. Weirder things.

I made dinner. No, that's not what's weird. Shush.

I made chicken. It smells like cardboard to me (does that mean cardboard would taste like chicken? How many calories in a standard sized UPS box?)

I made rice. The rice smells like the inside of a freshly carved pumpkin. Rice doesn't normally smell like that, right? I suddenly have the mysterious urge to carve jack-o-lanterns, and decorate for Halloween.

I gave up on eating cardboard flavored chicken and pumpkin-gut-flavored rice and had a can of diet Dr. Pepper Cherry Vanilla. One sip,.... And it tastes like GREEN PEPPERS and NYQUIL!

And the worst thing, the most humiliating, the most embarrassing, the most telling of all....I found myself spacing out and actually WATCHING some E-true Hollywood something or other.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME!??!?!

Ok, ok, ok.... I admittedly have a fever. But it's not a REAL one. It's only like 100.3, that's nothing! I don't FEEL any worse for the wear.

I want you all to know that if I am sick, I am holding each and every one of you currently-suffering-with-the-plague bloggers (you hear me, Bee and Hilly???) out there personally responsible!

Just felt you should know.

(and apparently dinner tasted fabulous to everyone else, which just makes this even worse. I wonder if carrots would taste like Ben & Jerry's? Oooooo! BYE!)

Who Needs Caffeine?

I have been doing really good with getting up early this week. It seems the threat of UPS catching me unprepared is a terrific motivator. Unfortunately, this morning was particularly tough to get out of bed. I had been up until almost midnight working on my Art Gallery, and I even had a slight headache-threatening-to-go-migraine on me.

I decided to pull myself out of bed at 5:40 AM anyway, grabbed some medication for my headache, and headed down stairs to do my HIIT run. I wasn't paying close attention to much of anything, and left the lights off (headache = sensitivity to light, plus I was just going to my exercise room.) Well, as I was sipping my water on the way down the basement stairs, I saw THIS:


Now, I realize most of YOU wouldn't have mistaken it for a GIANT-MUTANT-WOMAN-EATING-EVIL-VENOMOUS-SPIDER.... But I did. I choked on my water, and almost fell down the stairs. I think I may have had a heart attack or a stroke... Or both.

Know what it is? My son has these toys called K'Nex. They're like plastic high tech tinker-toys.

Yeah. I know. My stupidity amazes even me. But in the 5AM hour, I believe I deserve SOME slack. My brain doesn't even function until after noon.

OK, back to the reason I am more sleep deprived than usual.

I need a favor from everyone - I just put up my new art gallery template (www.kwilsonstudio.com) and while I know that some of the links don't work, and some of the info is wrong on the couple of paintings that come up - let me know if you have any other technical issues. I have a running list. It's giving me a headache!! Once I get it figured out, I'll have more new work to put up on it too.

And if you KNOW about Flash, OMG EMAIL ME!!! I'm going insane! I know. It isn't a long trip.

Got It Covered!

They're not going to get me today! Oho, no they're not!!!

As some of you may remember, UPS and FedEx are involved in a massive conspiracy against me. If I am naked, or otherwise in complete disarray, they SHOW UP.

It's happened too many times to just be a mere coincidence.

I know that all the trucks are equipped with GPS. Hey, as long as they have a satellite link up, how hard could it be to get bulletins that the weird chick in Vermont is currently trying to convince her dog to give back her bra in the living room, and forgot to don a top when the little bugger grabbed the bra and bolted, and she knew she had mere moments before her favorite Victoria's Secret became Victoria's new doggie-chew-toy.

So, if you can catch her still arguing with the dog, she'll have no where to run, and will subsequently dive behind the couch. Then you may proceed with tapping on the window and calling out "Ma'am?? Ma'am, I have a package you need to sign for..." And thus force her to answer the door with a couch-throw-pillow clutched to her chest. All employees must then check in, and spread the tale of this latest bit of embarrassment.

Not to say that I haven't thought this over, or anything.

Well, it just so happens I have so many packages due to arrive today, from all over the place, from both FedEx and UPS, that I got up extra early this morning. I did my workout, and then hit the showers without even kissing hubby goodbye for work - because dammit, I'm on a mission here!!! I was dressed, combed, coiffed, whatever you want to call it, by 7:00 AM, BABY!!! (ok, granted, 7:00 AM will be LATE once school starts, but for the end of summer break - marvel at my efficiency!!!)

They won't get me today! Nope! Nuh-Uh! NO, siree-Bob!!

Of course, in addition to the need to thwart the powers of naked-satellite-update-truck-driving-evil-doers, I am also looking forward to my stuff showing up. I put in a huge order for paints, and frames. Oh, how I love new paints. Now THERE is a moment when I could strip down and just roll in... What? Ok, fine, never mind!

I have my books and other things due to arrive too. I put in a massive order at Vita-Glo for my Celestial Seasonings tea (they're about $2 a box there which is half of what the store charges here, so because I had to order some other things, I loaded up big time what with my free shipping. We're talking 30 boxes of tea. Hey, it's my vice, bite me.) I can't wait until those arrive. I am all out of my favorite (Vanilla Hazelnut) and it's FREEZING here today! Ok, not really, 50 degrees compared with the -30 in January is cruisin' the Bahamas weather. But I'm still all goosebumps and shivers this morning. Even though I am fully clothed, I'm actually in my flannel purple bathrobe too.

And yes, being naked is worse than being seen in my purple fluffy flannel bathrobe. I can't even FIND my bunny-slippers. So there.

In order to maintain my dressed state, I am not going to be painting today. *sigh* But I am going to work on FINALLY getting my art gallery switched over to my new template, with my current work in it. I should have some sort of working version up tonight - though it won't be complete. Oh, and I am still interested in swapping over to another platform for my blog. Everyone seems to be pointing at WordPress, but I need to find a nice template. Any ideas where to look?

Ok, I'm going to go stake out the front window now.

** Update: It's currently 11:00 AM. One of the packages was express shipped via FedEx and was supposed to arrive here by 10AM. Whatcha wanna bet they're holding out on me???

Change One Thing

Ok, I have an "interactive, audience participation post!"

No, it's not what you think - put your clothing back on.

I have another episode of Deep Thoughts With Kyra for you.

Think about your biggest regret thus far in your life.

*What is it?

*If you could go back and change it, what in your life would change now?

*What would it bring you, and what would it cost you?

*Knowing all of those things, if you could change it - would you?

Thinking really long term here, really think about it.

For me, my biggest regret was being a moron and not going to college. I had the opportunity to attend The Paris (yes, France) Institute Of Art, but my mother who had just been diagnosed with MS wanted her family close. Because it was overseas, she had veto power on whether or not I could go, legally. She said I could not.

Instead of realizing I could change my plans and actually go like a normal person to a state college, I sulked. I moved in with a jackass (seriously, he had no redeeming qualities.) I basically, as a newly minted adult, ran away. I worked. While everyone else my age went and had "the college experience", I supported an idiot too stupid to keep a job at Best Buy. Who cheated on me.

I moved back home, worked some more, and finally figured out I could at least go to community college while I worked. I ended up meeting my husband through mutual friends, getting engaged, moving to Chicago, getting my associates in Fine Art, and my life kept rolling along (NICELY) to where I am at now.

I have a home in picturesque New England on 11 acres. I have been married for almost 11 years. I have the two most wonderful children on the planet (they're 8 and 5), and a husband who believes in my art. (side note: I have been painting non-stop! I think I finally hit my groove again! Woohoo!) I'm even going back to college now, to get a degree in business, something that would not have happened 13 years ago, I would have only done art.

But say I hadn't been such a moron, and went off to attend Colorado State, or CU Boulder? I know I would have gone and lived in the dorms. I know that even if by some odd chance I did meet my husband, I would likely have been dating someone else. In all honesty, I would bet money on the fact that he and I wouldn't be married now.

I would have gone to live overseas, eventually - especially when my parents moved to Windsor, England. That would likely have been my jumping off point. In all likelihood, I would probably have ended up living in Italy. I would also probably still be single - but on that count, who knows.

So, the point being, if I could go back and change it - it would cost me my family, and who I am now.

Then the question of whether or not I would if I could is before me. Boy, I have to tell you that is a toughy. I wish I could have lived that life, but had my husband and children along with me. Is it wrong to long for a life you felt you should have lived?

I know I wouldn't trade my children for anything, and therein lies the answer. I wouldn't change it. Knowing that does lessen some of the regret, but not all.

Anyway, I am curious about all of you. I asked my husband the same question (his involved soccer, what a shock *rolling eyes*) and interestingly enough, if his had been redone, HE wouldn't have met me either. He would have lost the same things, been in a different engineering industry instead of applying his rocket-science-super-powers for the greater good in aerospace, he would have been stuck engineering ice machines (his first job out of college.)

Our opportunities, and our MISSED opportunities play a big role in who we are now. So, would you change it?

Rock Soup

Last night, I was flipping through the channels while waiting for my husband to hurry up with his junk-food (*sigh*) so we could watch Glory Road (good movie, by the way.) I ended up watching some of Dateline.

Yes, I know, I sound old now. Trust me, I'm much more of a Lilo & Stitch kind of girl, than a News program one.

The focus of their show was aptly titled "Food Fight". It was all about the Obesity Epidemic, and who is responsible. Of course, my first thought was "been there, done that, when are these people going to do something different with their stories?" That all changed when they started presenting the legal arguments in the cases against food companies.

I'm sure everyone remembers the whole McDonald's case where two women were suing McDonald's saying that it was their fault they were fat. Those of you who know me, know that just annoyed the heck out of me too. Imagine, blaming a food restaurant for making you fat? The audacity!

Seriously, it drove me absolutely nuts. Especially the number of people jumping on the bandwagon the moment they realized they might get away with blaming someone else for their poor choices. ARGH!!!

Hey, I was fat. I did it all by myself. I don't blame anyone but me. If you can't see that you ate yourself to the point you are at, without a gun to your head, you have MUCH BIGGER problems than being fat.

I remember feeling very grateful that the judge threw out the case too. But, they reported last night that the judge left certain loopholes in the dismissal of the case. For example, the chicken-nugget angle. Those chicken nuggets had more fat and junk than their cheeseburger did, and some people might be choosing chicken over the burger thinking they were making a healthier choice by mistake - just because they were choosing chicken. (OK, I can kinda see the point here, but seriously - does anyone walk into a McDonald's and think to themselves "what a healthy choice I am making by choosing to eat here!") Well, in short - they took the case to the appellate court, and won the right to re-open it. So now the case(s) are pending, AGAIN.

Ok, this wasn't the interesting part, obviously. I was just so surprised to hear that they have the lawsuit pending again.

They then went on to discuss marketing to kids. Now HERE is a hotbutton topic I agree with. I was absolutely infuriated when I had my preschooler watching Rolie Polie Olie (for those of you without munchkins, it's a great kids show on the Disney channel, during their solid pre-school programming) and there was a GIANT McDonald's advertisement. ON DISNEY.

Even on PBS channels, they're shoving in advertisements for Hostess cupcakes and twinkies, as well as frosted flakes, burger king and ice cream! Those are the channels you expect better from, PBS and Disney. Ok, maybe not Disney, but on their channels I had never seen any commercials before for anything but other shows.

Nevermind the channels like Nickelodeon, the Cartoon Network, etc. Those channels are walking a fine line of more advertisements than show. Everything from Chuck-E-Cheese to soda and sugary snacks can be seen during all the younger children's programming.

Now, while this has annoyed me to no end, I just dealt with it as best I could. When the kids came to me talking about a commercial they had seen, we got into a discussion about how advertisers lie and try to make their products look appealing, when in reality they're just complete junk. When the kids ask for it in the store (my children don't beg, ever, so I'm lucky in that respect), I say no, and I give them a brief answer why (It's not healthy, I'm not buying that for you.) That is the end of it.

Yes, I do buy a couple things for them that they would probably be better off without. Usually, only when school is in session. You see, I pack their lunches. I remember what it was like to have nothing cool in my lunch box. So, I make sure they have something small, that they like, that isn't completely junk.

Anyway, the show went on about how the advertisers are very specifically targeting young children. Then they took it a step further and did the most fascinating test. If you want to see it, click here, and then in the NBC video box on the upper right of the page click on Launch. In short, what will you see?

They sat a bunch of preschoolers down, and had them choose between two options. The first was a set of cupcakes. One had an American Flag on top, the other Spiderman. They went for the spiderman, even convinced it would taste better just because it had spiderman on it.

Ok, well that was an easy one. But stay with me here. The next one was a banana and a cupcake. The cupcake was just a frosted, undecorated cupcake. The banana was covered in stickers like Shrek, Scooby-do, and Sponge-bob. Guess what happened? They choose the BANANA!!!! Just because of the characters on it!

No, wait, stay with me.... It gets even better!

They took it a step further. The last test they put out an unadorned banana...And... *drum roll*.... A ROCK. The rock was covered in stickers. They asked the kids which would they rather have for BREAKFAST, made it very clear that they were talking about eating, and the kids kept choosing the ROCK!!!!!

When I realized where the story was going, I actually pulled my daughter (who is eight) in to watch just the kid's segment. I then asked her what she saw, without me giving any input yet. It was interesting to get her feedback. She saw that the kids were silly to choose a banana with stickers when they could have had a chocolate cupcake (yeah, well, she's eight - though she admitted it would be healthier to choose a banana), but when it came to the rock something in her brain clicked on and she said "So, they're choosing that rock JUST because of the stickers of Sponge-Bob on it? But they can't eat the rock, that would make them sick!"

I got all giddy, and was able to say "and that is what those things in the store with the Jimmy Neutron and Barbie stuff on it is like. They're not healthy. They're like eating rocks for your body, your body doesn't like rocks, it needs good food. But all the pictures distract you." And she GOT IT!!!!!

OMG! My daughter totally GOT IT! I'm not saying she'll keep it, because how long does something like that stick in a kid's brain. But she DID GET IT!!! And then I tucked her into bed.

Dateline went on to interview the lawyer pointing out how kids are being targeted, and how despicable it is, and how one company way back even went so far as to try and teach kids how to nag their parents more effectively to give in to buying their product. The Nag-Factor, they called it. I have to say, on this lawsuit, I completely agree. I think they should slap the companies back into their place, and get the ads off the children's programming.

But in addition to that, they need to have parents take responsibility for giving into the nagging by their children. I'm sorry. I know it's hard. Especially if our children are being turned into ninja-attack-naggers by the companies, but it still all comes down to one word "yes". I just hope that little detail doesn't nail them in court - because I would LOVE to see the advertisements go away on the kid's programming. I would also love to see the movie characters pitching ice cream and candy bars vanish.

At this point, my husband finally got his act together and we got to watch the movie. So, I didn't see the whole show. I missed a lot of it. But I was amazed at what I did catch. Kinda makes you wonder if a parent is having trouble getting a kid to eat something like broccoli - would putting Shrek stickers all over it make them actually eat it?

I guess it's either that, or Rock Soup!

Blog Stuff

Ok, so I have been thinking about my blog. Well, I was thinkin' about "upgrading" it.

So... um... well, inform me. I want to make my blog look nicer, etc - what would you do? Move it off blogger to something else? Why? Any ideas??

Cell Phone Hell

It's the end of the world as I know it.

It's so small.

So benign.

You wouldn't think a little thing like that could lead to me spontaneously combusting, would you?

Well... Until you saw that it also came with a manual that would rival Encyclopedia Britannica.

Are you KIDDING ME?

The things that this stupid little piece of plastic can do (and it's a CHEAP ONE!!!) - everything from receiving/making calls to calculating tips, keeping track of my schedule, and surfing the web. It's giving me a headache, just trying to go through the manual. It's written in TINY print, and in shorthand/icons - ya know, for the people who haven't been fighting assimilation into the collective for the past 10 years.

At this point, I'm just desperately trying to turn OFF any extra features that might inadvertently cost me money because I am too cell-phone-stupid to press the right buttons, and I end up ordering a Porsche on eBay before I figure out that I am not, in fact, dialing my house. (But you KNOW I'd look damn good in a Porsche!!!! Of course, if you own a porsche, you must buy a dog the size of a muffin, and wear mini-skirts all the time with 7 inch heels - which would make me 6'5, if you're keeping track - so really, when you consider that, it's just not worth the trouble. I'll stick with my Jeep.)

And to think, all I was worried about was that it might not have the silent/vibrate function (my mother's phone doesn't) thus leaving me in dire straights, and having to leave the phone on actual *ring* during classes and meetings. Oho no! Even THAT isn't simple. This thing has different types of vibrates, and times you can set it for (I see hours of mirth in this one), and even reminder vibes. There's so many dirty jokes right there, it's just too easy.

It keeps telling me that it "requires additional programming". Ok.... Going through manual....Trying to follow instructions (I am a woman, afterall. Had I been born male I would have instead acted like I knew everything and thrown out the instructions, pressed every button, and watched it go out in a burst of smoke, sparks and flame. As it is, I have had to hold hubby back with the threat of death, should he so much as touch the phone. It apparently has a ton more capabilities than the generic standard issue his company gave him, and I have heard the word "play" about 1200 times at this point from him. I may have to buy a shock-collar.) I've already gotten stuck six times, and had to bail by turning off the phone in complete, blind panic and praying that it actually stopped going through with whatever function it was doing.

Worse yet, some of the programming requires signal, so it can check in with the other collective. We live in a dead-zone. And by dead, I mean DEAD. We live in a valley, mountains all around, 360. We don't receive radio signals, or television signals, much less phone signals. So I have been wandering around the house, talking to my little piece of plastic, begging it to find it's friends. I finally found a small signal, so that is where I am trying to work with it. I can't even imagine what it looks like to my family to see me perched on top of the railing on the second floor, balancing precariously with the cell-phone stretched out over my head at a 90 degree angle.

I feel that this is just further proof that I shouldn't own a cell-phone. There is something inherently wrong with them. I understand why I needed to get one, driving so far, and my responsibilities, not to mention that if I get into any trouble on the drive there aren't even gas stations, or anything to get help from. But, somehow, deep down I feel like I have given up a piece of my humanity.

I did discover I can download a "wallpaper" for my phone of any current hunk-o-the-month - NAKED.

Hmm. Maybe this won't be so terrible.

Sunburned Eyeballs

They don't make sunblock for your eyeballs. Don't they have a Visine for THAT yet??? They have one for freaking EVERYTHING else! Sheesh!

Today has been like a fire-drill.

This morning I got up around 5:30 AM, did my HIIT run, and jumped into the shower (yes, sliding on the piled up barbies, hotwheels and soap still in the tub that I didn't notice. Never let it be said that I shower without danger and excitement!) Afterwards, it was a rush to drag the kids out of bed, pack lunches, and make it to the car on time. It was like a dry-run for going back to school. And you know what?

We're so screwed.

Trying to get my son to focus, and my daughter to simply GET OUT OF BED, was like trying to drag a school bus 100 yards by my teeth. We were a good 20 minutes late, and still forgot things we needed.

Today was my son's "Graduation" from preschool. This consisted of meeting up at a hiking trail, and hiking for over an hour to the top of a mountain with NINE preschoolers (that's REAL "Survivor", folks. None of this pansy-bungee-jumping-eating-coconuts-on-an-island-junk. Take on a hoard of the under five crowd hiking up a steep mountain, and THEN tell me you deserve a million dollars!) Then we hiked back down, and met up with an additional 15 preschoolers (for those who are keeping track, that's 24 children 5 and under) and hung out at the lake for several hours.

Even with sunblock, I got fried. I'm not sure why. It could be that I am the equivalent of a human reflector. I bet you could be blinded from space if I went streaking through my front yard. But even worse, WITH sunglasses on and everything, I feel like I sunburned my eyeballs. That is possible... Isn't it? It's not allergies or anything like that. It's... Well... Sunburned.

*sigh*

Well anyway, I'm tired and cranky now. Cranky because I just had to fight on the phone to get my deposit back from the preschool since he's done now. It doesn't matter who it is, what company, whatever, getting a deposit back from ANYONE is awful! They avoid calls, they dodge the conversation, and in this last one, the lady slyly accused me of being a LIAR! (ARGH! MUST... KILL!!! MAIM!!! CHOCOLATE!!!)

I'm also in DIRE need of a shower.... AGAIN. Yes, I plan on checking for the barbie-hot-wheels-landmines this time, because I don't think I could catch myself if I fall right now. *yawn* So, if anyone sees a blinding flash of light coming from the north, that would be me streaking to the shower. Ya'll better put on sunglasses or somethin'.

The Thinner Values

I have heard it said that "being thin doesn't make someone a better person."

I'm sure everyone has heard that a million times over. But yesterday, I really started thinking about it in reference to myself. If our goal is to be better people, why is being "thin" so darn high on the priority list?

I've wanted to be thin since I was a very little girl. I believe that a lot of this came from my mother, who at the time was an actively suffering bulimic-anorexic (yes, you can be both. She starved herself, over exercised, and when she did eat - she threw it up.) My mother paid close attention to how her body looked, and my own.

I don't remember too many of the things that were said to or about me by her, but I do recall one specific instance where my mother called me down from my bedroom to where her and a friend sat, and I was made to turn around while they discussed various aspects of my physical form. What was right, and what wasn't. I was in second grade at the time (so about seven years old.)

I remember counting how many ribs I could see everyday, and being happy when there were a certain amount - at seven years old! I liked to wear half shirts a lot, not just because it was the 80's and everyone did along with 16 pairs of neon socks, but because it showed off those ribs.

However, I also remember those ribs not being enough. Not that I wanted to get thinner... No that wasn't the problem. I was extremely tall for my age. As a matter of fact, I was taller than EVERYONE else, until 8th grade - including ALL the boys, and 80% of the teachers by the time I was in 5th grade.

As a kid, you are stupid. It's a "big or small" world. Fat meant big. Tall meant big. So it really didn't matter if I had my ribs sticking out - I was still BIGGER than everyone else.

School didn't help with any of this. It didn't matter if I was leading the class with the best grades and getting honor student awards... None of it mattered because I was still "BIGGER" than everyone. They had a huge weigh in day at school when I was in 5th or 6th grade. They sat everyone (500+ kids) down in the gym on the bleachers, and two by two, they brought kids down and weighed them in front of everyone.

The teachers thought it would be "fun" to keep track of who was the lightest and who was the heaviest on a big blackboard that everyone could see. They did NOT keep track of height, so it was purely based on weight. Back then, we didn't have any heavy-kids in school. I can't think of a single one (now, isn't that a commentary on how things have changed? My daughter's class has about 35%+ overweight/obese kids.)

Guess who weighed the most? Guess who was also about 8 INCHES TALLER THAN ALL THE OTHER KIDS?!??!?!! But do you think that mattered to them? Do you think I was able to rationalize it at 11 years old? No, that was it. Officially, in front of everyone, I was The BIGGEST Kid In School. It didn't matter how many ribs I could show off.

Worse yet, puberty hit with a vengeance. In one summer I went from counter-top flat to a C-cup, I kid you not. Considering my height, and development rate, I'm suspicious that I may have been fed Miracle-Gro.

All I could think about through any of that was trying to be smaller. As I grew up (ha!) it changed to being thinner. I knew that there was nothing I could do about my height. I was screwed, no two ways about it. But thin... Oh to be thin! Especially when you have the curves of a 1940's pin-up girl by the 5th grade, and everyone else is still walking around like living toothpicks. Thin was the answer!

Everything became about being thinner. I used to envision how my life would be, if only I was thinner. The different things I would finally get to do, the success I would finally have - if only I was thinner.

When I was a teenager, I had a friend who used to cut herself as punishment/control. I gave this a shot briefly, and then realized I didn't particularly like bleeding. It was far more "fun" to punish myself on the inside for being a failure at so many other things. The first and foremost, being fat.

It always came back to that. I failed a test? I was fat, it was time to start a new diet, and stop being such an idiot. I was scorned by people I thought were friends? Not only was I a bad person, but I was fat - it probably all came down somehow to why/because I was fat. (Of course, the reality of this was that I wasn't even out of my healthy weight range - just a little fluffy/soft on the high end of it, but not even overweight. I didn't hit overweight until I was 21. Obese by 22.)

Fat, on anyone else never bothered me. I never even "saw" it. But on ME, it meant I was stupid, I wasn't deserving of anything in this life, I was weak, I was worthless.

I know it's disordered thinking. I realize it's backwards. I was fat because I felt I was worthless, not worthless because I was fat. I'm not that child/teen anymore. And yet... How many times have I held myself back from doing something because of my weight as an adult? The easiest examples would be things like pool-parties, or meeting up with old friends and being ashamed of how I look, so I cancelled. No, I'm not proud of myself.

I still like to imagine myself at 120 lbs (this would be underweight/anorexic for my height of 5'10) and think about how my life would be then. Maybe I don't imagine myself that way all the time, like it was when I was a kid, but sometimes in the dark of night I think about it. I can almost feel what it would be like, and how things would be different.

But that's a lie. It wouldn't matter. My life would still be what it is today, just with different clothing sizes. A clothing size certainly doesn't create success. It doesn't create a better person. It isn't going to make me nicer, more patient and understanding, or productive.

But maybe, since being thin is the one thing you can absolutely 100% blame on yourself for not achieving, it's the one I choose to focus on. I know I am not alone in this. I know that it's the easy way out for when things go horribly wrong in my life.

Instead of saying "OMG, everything isn't in my control, and it SUCKS!!!" I can say "well, I'm fat. How could I do this to myself. What kind of horrible person am I? What idiot can't control their own food? I deserve whatever happened." I punish myself, make myself hurt, bring myself to the point of feeling that I haven't the right to eat anything at all (this never lasts long, I have hypoglycemia, and I will honest to goodness end up getting violently ill and passing out if I go too long without food.)

I realize I have issues. I don't need anyone to point that out to me. I also realize that it's likely that most people don't have as deeply rooted ones as myself. Maybe it's simpler and lighter for everyone else. But I'll bet there is a commonality for a lot of people, especially women who tie so much of their self-worth to their dress-size.

The thing is, it's entirely possible that I haven't lost the final pounds of this weight because it's hard to give up my easy and totally delusional excuse for my life sucking. I know, that sounds totally insane, but I think it's rooted in truth. The problem with that is, being upset with myself about my weight does make me crabby. It DOES make me a WORSE person. I step on that scale, like I did this morning, and see a higher number than I would like. For the rest of the day, I will hear horrid things echoing inside me. That doesn't make for a pleasant Kyra to be around.

Being thinner will not make me a better person.... However, obsessing about being fat is making me a WORSE person.

That's a big thing to face. I'm not a bad person to be around because I am fat, but because I can't get this body-image crap out of my head, and to stop influencing my moods and reactions. The easy delusional solution would be to lose the weight, but the truth is that I would just find another way to beat up on myself - so it wouldn't solve the REAL problem.

So, how does a person let this go? How do you give up your favorite dead-horse-to-beat-on? Would that I could just erase this whole pattern of thinking with the touch of a button! But I have been aware that this is my problem for a long time, I have tried many things to fix it.... But I still haven't figured it out.

How do you give up on an obsession that is ruining your life?

Not the fitness or nutrition, I wouldn't ever give that up because it has a positive impact in my life. It's like the nutrition/fitness are a completely separate entity from the fat issue - which wouldn't make any sense on the surface, but if you have followed this post I think it's clear. The fitness and nutrition aspect of my life is about health. It isn't about fat or not fat. It's isn't about the deep inner crap in my psyche. It's just about doing the right thing, like closing the garage door at night, or brushing your teeth.

The "fat" aspect is simply a cloak for my feelings about myself. Interwoven with my self-image and body image, and worth. What a pain in the ass. *sigh* So how does one cut it loose?

I realize this is a rather dark post. Chances are, a lot of you nodded off in the middle. Sorry. I'll be back to me good 'ole self in no time at all, but I had to type this out. I'm looking for answers and I can't figure it out. Or I can't seem to implement the ones I have.

Thin isn't the answer, but I can't seem to either see or act upon the actual one.

To Be Truly Seen

I think what most people want, and are most afraid of at the same time, is to be seen. Really seen. For who you are.

I know that it's that way for me, anyway. So many times in life we are put into boxes, labels, and stereotypes. It's dehumanizing, and it makes us feel isolated and slighted.

I am not a two-dimensional person, and yet people don't even want to see THAT much. If they can reduce you down to a one dimensional person, so much the better. They're more comfortable with the simplicity of saying things like "fitness freak" or "bitch", than for trying to see any part of who you really are. I'm sure you know a ton of labels that have been applied to you personally.

What are your labels?

How do you feel about them?

Do you feel that people see you as you want to be seen?

Even more interesting are the different groups of people you know, who only want to acknowledge one small side of you. It's like going to a buffet and eating only carrots - and you better not even see something else besides carrots! I don't understand how people can view others that way. If you happen to exhibit more than that one side of yourself, these types of people often become confused or even defensive.

A semi-recent example of this was meeting up with some other fellow artists. We come from all different corners of the art spectrum, but it doesn't matter. Art is art, and the most beautiful thing about it is that there is no competitiveness between true artists. You can't say that in most professions. Art is subjective, and because of that - there is room for everyone. Any "artist" who starts going on about how they could do better than someone else, is NOT an artist - Because, that isn't what it's about.

Art is about expressing part of who you are, or how you feel, or simply how you see. No one could ever say "I could express your feelings better for you."

These artist don't want to hear or see any reference to anything outside of art, though. So, I don't talk about other things. At this meeting, however, one of my paintings expressed some of my personal angst with myself on a physical level. This brought up the whole topic of what that was, including what I do to try and overcome that. Exercise included. Oh, and yeah, I'm a certified personal trainer too.

Wow, could have heard a pin drop after that. It then became open season on me. Why would I even be worrying about how much weight I could lift, or how many pull-ups I can do? That's not art!

Well... No. But it is part of me.

People have tunnel vision when it comes to other people. I'm not saying that everyone should want to know all the aspects of another person. That would be too much. People are far too complex to even try that. But you should at least be aware that it exists in every single person around you.

My husband has mentioned that he thinks I'm more complicated than a lot of people, when we discussed this very thing (I assume this translates into male-speak as being a bigger pain in the ass, as well. ;) ) He feels that he isn't as varied, he's more "simple". I wonder... I see so much in him. Maybe he just hasn't seen it in himself yet? Maybe others are that way too?

The flip side to not being seen, is wondering if you would even WANT to be. I think there are many of us who aren't particularly enthralled with who we are when taken as a whole. In addition to maybe not liking several aspects of who we are, there is the whole vulnerability issue to consider as well. To know someone, is to know how to hurt them. It's unavoidable. You know where they reside, on the inside, so you have a good idea of where to aim to land a punch.

There are those out there who would never use that against someone. Yet, in my experience there are MORE who would LOVE to have that chance.

So in all of your complexity, knowing who you are deep down - would/do you want others to see that?

I fulfill many roles in my daily life. But they aren't who I am in totality. Sometimes, I even feel like I am just playing along. That it isn't me at all. I guess what has brought all this up, is the fact that I am back to being immersed in my paints. I don't know why I shoved my paints to the side a couple months ago. It's like finally taking a breath, after holding your breath for an eternity.

I took that photo of myself this morning. Just a quick snapshot of me, at this moment. I have to say, that is probably the most relaxed I have ever been in photo (I do hate having my picture taken, which is why I don't post them with me in it very often.) Why am I more comfortable? Probably because it is more ME than any of the other photos I have posted.

I know that no person can truly see another person for all their varied facets, but if I had to choose one that people would see as me, it would be this. This is who I am. I am paint, and oil, and water, and color. I am 2:00AM painting sessions in the moonlight. I am motion and form, swirled into being.

Maybe I like it above the others, because it's just about the only way I see myself that I don't dislike.

What would you like people to see, if you could have a say in it? For me, that photo pretty much covers it. If you can't see me as more, then see me as that.

It's Only Paint...

You know that stereo-type about artists being non-family oriented? They have kids all over the place, but they don't stay put with any of them. They see the world, and never settle down... wanna know why??

In the space of one hour I was interrupted THIRTY-SEVEN TIMES!!!

"Mooooom! Can I have a snack?"

"Moooooooom! He said I wasn't playing right!"

*sneaking up behind me* "Oh no, mom, you do know that skin isn't supposed to be green, right?" (It's called underpainting. This is why artists don't show their work until it's complete. People do not understand the process. People project their expectations on a half finished work and start criticizing before anything is even fully realized. My husband has learned to just the hell up until I say it's done, THEN he can comment. My children have not learned this yet, at their own peril.)

"Mom that doesn't look anything like him..."

"Mom the dog wants in, can I let him? Ok, you let him in then, cause I'm busy, I just wanted to let you know."

"Mom, I'm booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored!"

*banging head on easel*

O..............M..............G!!! Whose kids are these? Mine used to be angels, but I try and paint and they turn into anti-art-evil-minions!!!!!

When does school start?

Body Paint

Bet you all have dirty thoughts running around with that title, dontcha? Naughty-naughty!

It's Monday, isn't it? I hate Mondays. I realize Garfield (and many others) laid claim to this long before I did, but OH how I hate them! Even though I don't head into work in bumper to bumper traffic lamenting my too fast of a weekend anymore, I STILL don't like them. I feel like there are all these expectations that are just waiting for you on Mondays, hiding like little monsters in the shadows. There are always miserable things that need to be taken care of on Mondays.

I think we should have a vote, and remove Mondays altogether. Who's with me?!?!!

In an effort to ignore the fact that it's Monday, AND get a jump on my back-logged paintings, I have decided to make this an all-painting week. This means that I will do nothing but paint for the most part, aside from remembering to feed my children, and myself (hopefully... I do tend to forget while painting. However, passing out at the easel has not been a favorite pastime of mine, as it leaves far too many face prints on the canvas.) I'll still workout, and snuggle the kids when necessary... But laundry? Nu-uh. Vacuuming? Isn't that why I had kids in the first place? Dusting? Ditto on the last.... Etc.

Ok, OK, so I'll still keep the household running for the most part, but nothing of great importance will be accomplished otherwise. I'm sure this will tick off many of the residents. But dagnabbit, I'm determined! It's going to be like a painting binge, I tell you!

The downside is that I am totally incapable of painting without getting it all over myself. No, I have no idea how to stop this. It's amazing, really. I'll be uber-careful, and think I did great only to find a streak of blue down my spine, or something more embarrassing. Even when I am wearing my painting clothes (yes, I'm one of those freaks who prefers to paint sans-clothing, because I only end up dragging it accidentally into my paint/painting anyway. Scared yet? I will be donning my clothes this time though, since it's during the day instead of my normal midnight studio time, AND I don't want UPS showing up every 30 minutes as they are wont to do every time I am in any state of undress. See, damned if there isn't a Fed Ex truck pulling into the driveway right now because I'm in a state of semi-undress because I am heading to the showers after lifting weights. It's like these people have cothing-radar or something! ARGH!!!) It's one of those talents that maybe I should try out for one of those lame TV Talent shows with! The mysterious body-painting-lady!

So, I'll probably look like a rainbow exploded on me for the next three weeks solid. I'm just hoping I manage to keep it all on myself and not get it on anything else in the house. Yeah, see? And you never knew I was a delusional optimist, did you?

I am working on the new series I have been emailed about by so many people (I expect the second in the series to be finished by Wednesday at the latest, yes, I'll post pictures), a commission I hope to have finished by Friday, and a church trilogy that I will either finish or BURN, by Sunday. I'm determined. If you have the makings for S'mores, you might want to visit on Sunday evening.

My biggest motivation for finishing these paintings is that I have been dreaming again. A lot. Art is part of me existence on the deepest level, and if I ignore it, it starts stalking me. I figure if it gets bad enough, one morning I'll wake up to find I painted a mural in my bathroom using toothpaste and shaving cream. I'd rather avoid that.

So, I'm off. My blog may or may not suffer... I do hit points where I have gone crosseyed and need a break... So who knows. :)

Who Stole The Cookie From The Cookie Jar?

Who me? Yes, you! Couldn't be! Then, who???

HA! Sorry.... My Sesame Street roots are showing.

OK, you all answered my deep and probing questions about what you would do if life was ending in six months, and what is unforgivable in a friendship (which, it seems that everyone would forgive everything but trying to jump your spouses/family - are you all really THAT forgiving?) How about a lighter question on this lovely Sunday afternoon?

In your house (or family, if you live alone), WHO is the Cookie Monster?

Every house has one, some have even more. So, who is it? Husband? Wife? Son? Daughter? Father? Mother? Sister? Brother? Aunt? Uncle? Cousin? Or.... Just possibly.... YOU???

We all know how it starts. You buy a bag/box of cookies with the best of intentions. "These will last a while," you tell yourself, as you envision placing them in the cookie-jar, and having a full tin greet you every day for the next month.

You bring them home, and dump them in the tin while feeling an odd sense of pride - You brought home cookie. You do good. You do real good.

You fantasized that they would last a MONTH??? HA!

Mysteriously, they are gone in record time. A suspicious looking pile of crumbs are all that are left to greet you, as you peer into the tin. You keep looking in the tin, silently willing more cookies to appear. ...They don't.

You then start thinking about how many cookies there were in the package. How long they should have lasted. ...And how it could be possible that they're all gone already!?!?! You start designing mathematical equations trying to decipher the mystery of the cookie disappearance, and accounting for the crumb content left in the bottom. Not to mention the astronomical calorie count that must have levied against the offender. Factoring in the current weather, wind speed, hour, and any evidence left around the tin, you try to figure out "who dun it".

You get a headache.

Forget it.

You go back to the store and buy another box of cookies. The postcard arrives a week later from the cookie company expressing a sincere "Thank You" for keeping them in business.

So, who's blue and furry in your house??

In our house, bringing home a box of cookies is the equivalent of throwing down the gauntlet. Not only are they there and tempting - but by golly, it's now a personal challenge to make them go away! (Did I just say golly? I may have to go watch something totally deplorable and adult on cable to reset my brain after this post.)

I'm happy to report that unless it is PMS DEF CON 1, I am not the culprit. Neither is my son, as he and I are more hard core. If we want something sweet, it had better be chocolate - and worth our time! No pansie-cookie-sweet-whatever for us! Oh no, it's pure chocolate. We only make exceptions for ice cream, which for us is it's own food group. Cookies are for the amateurs.

However, my husband and daughter are blue, through and through. I cannot tell you how many times I have walked by the fridge (we keep them in there, and NO, I haven't a clue as to why,) and caught my husband just standing there - WITH THE DOOR OPEN - munching on cookies.

My daughter doesn't sneak into the cookies, but should she see my husband going for them, they are absolutely partners in crime. It's entirely plausible that my husband feels as though he is alleviating some of his guilt, by sharing cookies with a poor unfortunate soul. I mean, who could resist the Little Orphan Annie, incarnate?

Do you know, once he even said "She made me do it! It was her idea!" Imagine, a grown man stooping to blame his (then) five year old daughter for sneaking into the cookies!

So, we don't have cookies in the house for the most part. I kind of miss the idea of having a cookie jar there for the occasional treat. However, it just isn't possible to fulfill that little wish when you have the Great Cookie Caper taking place every time you turn around!

As we head into Autumn, we are getting closer to the first snowfall. It is a firmly held family tradition that on/during the first snowfall of the year everything must come to a screeching halt. No matter what we were in the middle of, it must be set aside - for cookies MUST be baked. The first cookies of the holiday season are a BIG DEAL in our house. Already, the two blue furry criminals have gone out of their way to make sure all the supplies are in the pantry... You know, just in case.

And it's AUGUST!

Yeah, I can't wait either. :)

Mapping It Out

I feel like there are some really important things I am supposed to be doing right now, but for the life of me I can't figure out WHAT.

I already worked out this morning (Kenpo). So that isn't it. I can't finish mowing the yard yet because I'm waiting for the morning dew to evaporate so my tractor doesn't seize. I only got half of it done yesterday before the skies opened up and dumped gallons of water on me. And just so you all don't think I'm wussing out - I maintain the front three acres of the 11 we own. So I managed to mow about 1.5 acres yesterday before I got nailed by the rainstorm. Oh, AND I fixed a flat tire on the tractor! HA!

I am taking the mini-me's to the county faire today, and bringing my camera so I can share with everyone. But we don't leave for that until around noon. Hmmmm... I just know its going to be something that bites me later too. UGH! Apparently, I need a keeper or something.

Well, anyway, I am finally working out details for how the rest of the year is going to play out for me. I signed a ton of papers for my school loans (having mini-strokes and heart attacks in between signatures). I have ordered what books I can, so far. I ordered my capitulation into technology device, AKA cellphone, too.

I even made it to the store and did my school supplies shopping! I am not entirely sure why, but back to school shopping is one of my most FAVORITE things to do. All those unopened boxes of pens, pencils, paper.... Ooohhhhh man! Even better, having kids means I get to play in the crayola aisle and pet all the boxes of crayons and paints, without making excuses for my abnormal behavior!

I have also figured out what fitness plan I am going to follow. I'm going to slide back to a standard BFL style layout for 12 weeks at least. I might go longer, through the whole semester, if I need to so as not to tax my poor brain right on the brink of finals. But because I am taking 20 credit hours (for those who know, that is a LOT,) and I have a family, and my two businesses to get rolling or keep rolling... Well, I need a workout that doesn't take excessive amounts of thought. Because I did that type for so long, it's darn near brainless for me.

I will, as a small tweak, be keeping the P90X yoga. I will add it on Sundays, and my husband has pledged (HA! We'll see) to do it with me. I need it, because of my physical issues, to help with flexibility and injury.

The upshot to all of that is that it's also an easier plan to cut on. P90X is physically demanding enough, that cutting is a very difficult proposition. You end up hungry and tired, a dangerous combination for me. So, I'll be able to cut, retain lean body mass, and not tax my poor braincells in the bargain, or exhaust myself.

If all goes well, and I get into the groove, I'll do a solid run of P90X classic possibly in January. We'll see. I'm making no promises while facing the next two years of 20+ credit hours per semester.

Ok, well... I STILL can't figure out what important thing I am not doing, and will screw things up with... So I best be off and get ready for the faire. Might as well have fun, if I'm going to get into trouble. I'm also contemplating what mildly questionable/inappropriate outfit to wear to face the Little House On The Prairie Ladies. hmmm.....

A Life Worth Living

I have been pondering things again. Today I have a couple questions to put out to all of you. I'm all "deep thoughts" Kyra today... *sigh* You've been warned!

How many times have you been told to go out and "Live life to the fullest!" "Live like there is no tomorrow!" and so on?

Interestingly, I have thought about this issue since I was a child. It's truly a dilemma, in reality. You s