The Diet Dance

It seems the media is again atwitter with talk about our relationship with food. And diets. And ourselves. It's the same old song and dance where they tell you to have a healthy relationship with food... but lose weight NOW!

It's tiring. It makes me want to sit this one out.

Most of you know I am a personal trainer. Something you may not know about personal trainers is that they are NOT allowed to set up a diet for you, that only a registered dietitian or nutritionist is legally qualified to do so (those huge weight loss companies have them working for them, which is why they're allowed to tell you what to eat.) So I don't do that with any of my clients. But not just for that reason.

There is another reason I don't tell you what you can and cannot eat, and why I don't set you up with a special menu for every day. It's because we're not eating to eat, and probably haven't been since we became body-aware as children. Instead we're eating because we're stressed, we're happy, angry, tried, got a promotion, are celebrating some event, are out with friends. Sometimes we're not eating because we're mad at ourselves, we think we have to abstain in order to lose weight, because we think our lack of control is the reason we feel so bad.

Worst of all, just pointing all of those truths out doesn't make them easily divisible. We all know them.

Alright, so we eat because of every reason except the good ones 99% of the time. We can't just stop doing that, now can we? How many of us have parents who complain when we don't eat that we're personally insulting them, somehow letting them down? How many friends are upset when you won't have a drink with them to celebrate that promotion and think that you're jealous instead of happy for them... Or how about the friend who thinks you aren't happy to be spending time with them simply because you didn't down an extra 1,000 cheesecake calories with them?

The answer is obvious: to the people who matter to us, what we put in our mouths shouldn't matter to them at all. The reality is more devious: they watch everything we eat, and it does matter. Denying it doesn't change it. Pointing out the ridiculous nature of the dilemma doesn't make it disappear.

So then what?

The actual realistic line to walk lies somewhere in the middle. Should you toast to your friend, and have a slice of cheesecake with her? Maybe. It really depends on you. You can say no. It is ok to do so, just so long as you are not always saying no - especially in those moments where you truly want to say yes. It's important to acknowledge that food is a part of our lives, our society, our relationships without having a nutritional component involved. In other words, there really are times that food is NOT food.

However, if you are always saying yes, there is something else going on and you aren't making that decision for its merits but for the disastrous diet dance that we've all been sucked into at one time or another. Actually, I would say most people are in the middle of the two-step currently. Food should be just food for 95% of your life. What will get you through your day at your very best. If you eat appropriately, using food as fuel for the daily grind that just exists - you can eat for the other reasons that have nothing to do with food when they happen. They don't happen as often as we tell ourselves they do.

So what do I tell my clients? To be awake in their lives. If it's 6 a.m. and you're drooling over a giant slice of left-over chocolate cake all by yourself, the question isn't whether you should have it - but WHY? So you can feel bad all day long that you ate it? So you can think about that cake and how you have already ruined your day, perhaps instead of thinking about something else that is happening today? Or is it because last night, when the cake was brought out for the big event you felt so good with everyone... and you just want to reclaim a little piece of that good-feeling? (For the record, trying to regain that special feeling only makes it seem somehow less special than it was, diminishing the feeling for the next time, and mars the whole occasion. You can literally ruin a wonderful experience in your life after the fact.)

Eat what matters for your body and soul to function in the most healthy manner possible. Really think about that statement, you'll find that the answer is not always the apple - nor is it always the cake. It's another song about moderation, but at a different beat. It's the dance I try to present my clients with - one that they lead, not me. I have literally told clients to go out and celebrate, with food involved, because they need to realize they cannot exist in one frame exclusively and feel whole.

Truly, I think that is what holds so many people back with food. It seems like no matter what we do, we're only half of ourselves. We're holding back celebrating, or we're holding back ourselves from being healthy. It always seems like it's one or the other, and that is the biggest lie we tell ourselves. The truth is that you cannot have one without the other.

I tell my clients just enough that they start bridging the gap in their lives themselves. Some I push more than others. But most of all, I never stop pushing myself. I'm in this dance too, right along with everyone else. It's a learning process, and I don't think I'll ever be done learning. But I am done dividing myself up into pieces. It is what I tell my clients; it is time to bring all the pieces back together, and find harmony.