Only In The Moment

Have you ever received a package from UPS, and the person sending it obviously got a little slap-happy with the packing peanuts and box size (e.g. they packed a pair of earrings in a box big enough to house a family of four, and filled it to the brim with multi-colored Styrofoam squiggles)? It becomes a project in and of itself to simply find the item in the sea of peanuts. You dive in, searching, then come back up for air before going under again. You just know that somewhere in all that mess is the important piece... but there are just so many darn peanuts that it starts to become about the peanuts, doesn't it?

Those stupid packing peanuts are completely overwhelming. They spill out over the floor and stick to your shirt. You end up desperately trying to keep them in the box with one hand while rummaging and accidentally shoveling them out with the other. Eventually you find that little important thing that was sent, but then it's still all about all those stupid packing peanuts; you have to make sure you get every little one that has fallen out, right? The darn things are too big to vacuum and too toxic to ignore. What if the dog ate it? Why are they sticking to the walls anyway? ...And has anyone seen your first born since you opened the box? By the time you get all the packing peanuts cleaned up, you have probably completely forgotten what was sent to you in the box in the first place.

My life is a UPS box full of packing peanuts right now. I'm completely stressed out, and lost in the sea of foam greens and pastel pinks. I know the important stuff is here, but there are just so many darn peanuts! Case in point: I picked up my gown for graduation today. Sounds like a good day, right? I'd be happy?

No, I was bawling my eyes out (once I made it back to my car, and was completely unseen.)

Why? Because I am being excluded from graduating with honors. My college has a separate ceremony for honors students, and then they graduate with everyone in a different regalia. Because of a "rule" which makes it impossible for any full time transfer student to graduate with honors publicly, I will not be invited or allowed to participate. I currently have a cumulative GPA of 3.922. On my diploma it will officially acknowledge that I graduated Summa Cum Laude, my resume can carry that too if it makes any difference to anyone (highly unlikely.) My adviser said it didn't matter, why did I care - and that it's a lost cause. (I did let the Dean know that for the future, it was discriminatory against transfer students and it would be nice for future graduates to not be excluded, even though it's too late for me. I've done all I can do.)

So, it shouldn't matter whether I graduate publicly with honors. But it does. I don't know why. Back when I started, I was just hoping I would graduate at all. It's silly to care about this now, I know. No one has to tell me that. But it hurts, and I feel slighted. What is important is that I am graduating at all. And technically I will have graduated with honors. See? Packing peanuts.

I have a million other examples going on in my life with other things too... but it wouldn't matter. They're all packing peanuts. Most of them anyway.

I'm just so stressed out with just about everything, it's getting ridiculous. Today, I was filling up my car, completely frazzled (still wiping away tears from picking up my stupid gown.) I wasn't zoned out or daydreaming at the pump, I was actually paying close attention... (watching the numbers zip by on a gas pump is akin to a horror film or a train wreck; you just can't turn away.) But when the nozzle clicked off with that *PoP!* I swear that I jumped about three feet into the air. Of course, the gas station was completely packed with people to witness my mini-freak out.

Yep, that's me. Always happy to entertain the masses.

So now I am sitting here, lecturing myself to stop caring about all the stupid packing peanuts that are my life right now. I'm trying to tell myself that it all doesn't matter. Even the graduation ceremony doesn't matter. Seriously, if I'm going to actually feel bad about it the day I graduate - maybe I shouldn't even go. Because if what is important is simply getting the degree, not walking the line, then why go to something that makes me feel poorly about the process?

Because my children should see me graduate officially. Even if. Even if I'm being slighted by the college for being a transfer student. And maybe I'll sneak something in, make my own darn chain/bead thing or whatever it is that they wear, with my kids' help, and they'll know what it means.

On the packing peanut metaphor; Blogland is kind of this way too, what with all the drama flying about. There are some really important things going on... and a whole lot of stupid packing peanuts. That's what happened last week for me, the packing peanuts got in the way and I had to take a time out and find the important parts once again. Turned out to be fairly easy, just walk away, clear my head, and Voila! Back to normal.

I wish it were so easy in real life. I can walk away and tell myself that things like my graduation don't matter. But in the moment, it sure as hell feels like they do. Stupid packing peanuts.

Edit: There is an outside chance that I can participate in the honors stuff. Cross your fingers for me...and my stupid packing peanuts.