There's No Such Thing As Going Home

Have you ever noticed that returning home from a vacation is almost as stressful as trying to leave? All this week, while I watched the snow fall outside the condo-thing's window with the wind-up fire place (gas fireplace on a timer) snapping and crackling, do you think it ever occurred to me that I was only a couple of hours away from my house... it's cold enough to snow - a LOT... I turned off all the heat and water at my house before I left...

There is frost on my computer screen. I'd sigh, but it would likely freeze in midair.

Alright, I probably need to preface this with the fact that while I have read my emails (99% of which I appreciated, the other 1% I used my troll disinfectant on,) I have not read any blogs. On purpose. I just want to chat without being "under the influence" of anything but my own boisterously loud thoughts.

Going away, and not checking in was the right thing to do. I was going anyway, it just changed my plans on whether or not to bring the laptop. I didn't. It was fantastic! Right up until I needed to look something up, and then I had to try and read a webpage on Mr. Savy's Blackberry out of desperation. (I have no idea how anyone does that.) But other than that, I loved not having the computer around... because lets face it; I've been home an hour and I put away groceries, started laundry, and here I am planted at the keyboard once again.

I reread my last entry, worried about what I had posted. It has, after all, *cough* been pointed out to me that I might have a bit too much... flare for the dramatic. *whistle* I was very pleased that I had not over stated things at all. That was 100% where I was at with things, and my options. At least I hadn't waxed on about disowning my stuffed animals or something equally stupid.

I know people have blog-tantrums and threaten to leave all the time. This wasn't that. This was more of a... blog-nervous-break-down. Lets face it, I'm not exactly operating under serene conditions here. I have my art business, my personal training business, and my school work going full throttle. As this is my last semester, anxiety levels are high, keeping pace with a really horrendous case of senioritis (those college kids think it's bad for them - try already having a life that you desperately want to go back to!) The family has it's own goings on right now... oh and I am coaching a soccer team as well.

Most importantly, everything is starting to shift now. A major life shift has already started for me about a month ago. This is what sparked my questioning the blog situation anyway. There were three separate situations/incidents that happened after I had already begun the questioning process. This made me sort of freak out... a wee bit.

Am I going to name names or post information on what went down? Nope. My flare for the dramatic is just going to have to choke on it. The truth is that I always have trolls. I currently have an average of over 1,200 people per day through this blog, and statistically there are just going to be mean people strolling through who find they have the time to actively reach out and insult someone. Do most of those people come to see what I am doing and read my blog on a daily basis? No, they're here because of some other information on my blog. Sometimes a new regular will discover me this way. Sometimes a bored troll will scroll through my archives and try to upset me. It is a sort of balanced dance, if you think about it.

I am a sensitive person. I have been told my whole life that I needed to let things "roll off like water off a duck's back." That phrase infuriates me, because I have heard it since I was in preschool - literally. People both fascinate and horrify me. Yet I am drawn to them, but I am a sensitive individual who is easily bruised. It's not a good combination. It makes little difference whether the attack is in person or online. The reality of the attack on another actual human being is no different. Sure people say things that they generally wouldn't dream of saying in person to someone else because of the anonymity of the internet. So, you learn to put a lot less stock in the intensity and severity of what is said... but beneath that remains the undeniable fact that someone has gone out of their way to slight another person. It's just really sad.

I get tired of the games in person and online, and just want to run away. Especially from all the politics. But the truth is that politics are always going to be played out in every arena, whether online in silly old blogville, or in the psych0-PTA meeting, or that conference call at work. It's inescapable. Sometimes I just spend time squeezing my eyes shut and wishing so hard that it wasn't, that I start falling down the rabbit hole before I realize what is happening.

So, going (running?) away was a good thing. I was able to clear my head of all the internet cobwebs and try to focus on what I want. What is that? Well, I'm not going to shut down my blog. What decided this was when I went to visit the World's Longest Candy Counter on my vacation, I took pictures... and then realized that who I really wanted to share them with was my blog community. I knew only you guys could truly appreciate a never ending array of sweets properly, and understand what it took not to climb into the large vats of candy all over the store.

So, I will keep this blog open until it really isn't a positive influence overall in my life. I approached that mark last week/month, which is why I sort of went into a tailspin. It wasn't anything that happened, but everything that happened and didn't. And, in this case it really is all about me... I may be channeling Veruca Salt, from Charlie and the Chocolate factory after the thole candy counter thing, but I still think the statement is correct.

I'm not going yet. I may decide later that it's time, that I've simply outgrown this. But not yet.