A Word About Criticism

crit·i·cism /ˈkrɪtəˌsɪzəm/ - [krit-uh-siz-uhm] –noun

1.	the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2.	the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

[Origin: 1600–10; critic + -ism]

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

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I think it's been fairly well established that I don't take criticism with any sort of grace. At all. But, I have been thinking a lot about that lately. Technically, if you look at the two top meanings of the word... it's a really awful thing! Well, at least as it applies to human beings. I can completely understand having critical reviews of airplanes and heart valves, don't get me wrong. But human beings are not perfect, nor were they ever meant to be.

I have a theory. My theory is that since we have been community (pack?) animals by necessity as part of our existence, that being critical was important. We needed to swiftly correct aberrant behavior that put the community in danger, and encourage more productive behavior that benefited us all. That way children were less likely to fall into the tar pits, and we were less likely to eat our neighbor during a tough winter. Usually.

But where does all that well-meaning drive to correct others go when the world is widely populated and generally thriving? What happens when we're top of the food chain, and can bend the environment to our will? Sure, we're still a bit down on the whole eating our neighbor thing, but aside from that?

We preach the "live and let live" ideal, but in truth I think we all still have the drive to criticize without the necessity to do so on a core level (think: basic survival needs.) So, these criticisms that were meant to instruct and benefit everyone involved are now used to hurt... and in some extreme cases to "thin out the pack." We use criticism to make ourselves feel better than the person we're criticizing. I'm pretty sure none of the cavemen who pulled their buddy out of the fire and explained that it burned got called "holier than thou" for his efforts. But none of us really seem to be pulling anyone out of the fire, in truth we're far more likely to push them in.

I think the major difference is that criticism back then used to be a guiding hand, and now it's just a slapping one. Which is really sad, frankly, because as a species we're not doing so great. It seems to me that a kind, non-judgmental, guiding hand would do wonders for the world. Living with the knowledge that at any moment someone may choose to slap you instead of help creates a different kind of level of existence.

I have only my own world, my own perspectives to judge from. But let me say that I have never minded being told I am wrong. No, I really mean that. I may challenge it, but being told I am wrong means that there is more information I don't have, and even if I still come to the same conclusion - I am better off with the additional information. I love to learn. I retain so much, and the world changes before my eyes like a kaleidoscope with every small shift in perspective.

However, there is a difference between being told that I am wrong and being told that I am stupid, defective, worthless, or a waste of space.

I was sitting alone in the quiet yesterday mulling over another incident of being told how I failed/was an embarrassment at something in some way that affected no one else but me (like when someone says something nasty about your weight. Why does it matter to them? This just so happens to have been about my age. Again.) I kept thinking about how all the bad things stick with you. I remember the day my mother and I were having a conversation when I was 16, and suddenly she stopped mid-sentence to say "My God, Kyra... your thighs are just so big!"

I remember a million other off-the-wall mean snippets from a million other people. I know that there have been compliments in my life that were just as off-the-wall and out of context. I'm pretty sure. Witnesses have said so. But I don't remember those. Isn't it awful that you cannot remember the good stuff, but you remember how the room smelled, what you were wearing, and worst of all how horrible you felt at the exact moment the bad stuff happened?

I think you remember the bad stuff because originally criticism that came out of nowhere were generally things like "Don't step on that! It'll remove your foot!" or "If you drop the baby, it won't bounce back up! Keep it safe!" Important stuff. Criticisms that had to stick in your memory for survival's sake. Like a post-it note for your brain, so you didn't have to go looking for the important information on the fly.

Unfortunately, my brain is more of a post-it-note bonanza of horrible things that have been said. In neon-multicolored paper and inks. There are a few good ones thrown in, but they had to be over the top kind of events. Not these little side tangents where people just flipped the switch into jerk-mode out of nowhere. The good ones look more like life-preservers being tossed out into the middle of a violent storm at sea, sharks circling, and the ship having already gone under.

So, my theory is in two-parts (a double whammy.) The first is that this drive is there to guide, but without the normal needs it was typically used to address, it has been twisted into something dark and evil in order to hurt rather than to help. Unfortunately, it really is a drive that has to be addressed which is why people are so actively engaged in criticizing others without merit. The second part is that we're hardwired to take note of these types of criticisms because once upon a time it was an important element to our survival. Unfortunately, now it's being used to urge us to the edge of the cliff rather than pull us back.

If my theory is true (there is always an off chance,) that means that maybe not being able to take criticism well isn't such a bad thing. No one watches a woman get punched in the face by her husband, then pull herself back up, bleeding, to meekly take another punch, and says to each other "My, she sure took that well! That is admirable! Just like a Lady!" Instead they say that if she doesn't get the courage to leave, to stop taking the punches, she's going to die. They want her to not take the beating so well. They want her to do something to stop it. Anything. They want someone to save her, if she won't do it herself.

What makes nasty criticism any different? Because you don't bleed on the outside? Well, I'm sure that makes the critic feel better (actually, I doubt that. I bet they're disappointed.) But the truth is that it isn't any different. It's an attack. There is no such thing as constructive criticism unless we're talking about a product review. When people are involved as the intended targets there are different words for what we should be doing: teaching, instructing, informing, discussing, guiding. Do any of those words hurt, make you flinch at the first syllable? No, but I bet the word criticism makes you slightly ill on at least a small level.

I think people need to start taking control of their own urges to criticize. I think it's important to ask yourself when you are being critical of another human being if what you are about to say is intended to instruct, or is really intended to hurt. I think hurting others has become a habit, and people don't even notice it anymore. Worse, we justify it because "it's constructive criticism." But it's wrong.

We all do it. Everyone, without exception. The only ones who don't are the children who only ask questions when they see something they don't understand. Sometimes that is misinterpreted as criticism, when instead it should be viewed as an example of how we should be reacting as adults. Don't condemn; ask, learn, and help if you can. Don't be another post-it-note of pain for someone else, whether by accident or intentionally. Neither one is excusable, and it's time people stop acting as if it is.

Deep down, each and every one of us is a teacher. We have something to give, some knowledge to impart that will make someone better for interacting with us. That makes us teacher's by definition. At the same time, every single person you interact with has something to teach you, which makes you a student as well. Neither role lends itself to being a critic of the other person. It's time that everyone remembered that, and put things to rights once more.