Letting It Go

People gain weight for a lot of different reasons. Some people gain weight because they go from a very active job/lifestyle (for example, the military) to a sedentary occupation, and they don't adjust their habits. Some people just like food, a lot, and well... it gets the better of them. Some people stress eat, it's simply how they cope and the weight comes and goes as life's stress does the same.

And then there are those of us who gained weight for a reason. I'm not talking about trying to make a weight-class for a boxing match. I'm referring to the intensely deep and personal reasons that we don't like to talk about.

I'm one of those. I have a long laundry list of reasons, most of which are too personal and painful to get into. But I have a really easy one on that list that I don't mind discussing. In Chicago when I was attending college, shortly after I was married, I had a stalker. I handled it wrong during the initial contact, but the fortunate thing was that I spotted him for exactly what he was and immediately took precautionary measures.

I changed cars, my patterns, locations I went to, routes I drove, and so on. I also changed my appearance. Some people look the same whether they're wearing cosmetics and their hair is done, or they're hanging out in sweats with everything undone. I am not one of those people. I look completely different undone. I made sure my clothes were completely different, I never wore makeup, I pulled my hair severely back. I really looked like another person.

And it worked.

But one of these physical appearance measures was subconscious. Extremely effective - maybe the most effective out of everything visually, but totally unintentional on a conscious level. I gained weight. A lot of it. FAST. I have always struggled with my weight, but even when I was pregnant I did not gain weight that rapidly. I put on around 40 to 50 lbs in the space of less than two months.

Looking back, I'm simply amazed. I've gone on all sorts of horrible and shameful binges that lasted longer than they should have, but I have never put on weight like that before or since. I cannot say that I really recall what I ate or did, as it really was unintentional - so I wasn't really focusing on that. I kind of wish I had kept a record of what I ate, because... well... wow.

I managed to shake the disturbed individual (though I did overhear him trying to garner information on me from the student office.) But the weight was a little harder to shed. I graduated, actually gaining another 20 lbs up until graduation - which rounded me out somewhere around 230 lbs (I stopped weighing myself at 222 lbs, but I know I continued to gain. I remember stepping on that scale and seeing it move up and up and up, and just feeling powerless to stop it.) I moved states. I was safe.... and still the weight remained.

I mentioned earlier that I have a long list of bad reasons why I have gained weight before. Suffice it to say, my past was a testament to the fact that excess weight can protect you. You might not want it, you might feel bad about yourself... but compared to the alternative? At least you have some measure of safety. A blanket to wrap around yourself that while the rest of the world may look down on you for it, at least some of the other dangerous ones aren't looking at you at all because of it.

Now, to those of you who don't have a past like that, this concept is completely foreign. That's not only just fine, but frankly? Good for you. However, people without a dark past hang onto their weight too. There are reasons, no matter how silly they may look in the light of day, that we hang onto our weight.

There was a rather annoying theory circulating last year that said being fat was contagious. Like a virus. Sneeze, and voila! You're a size 24. I disagree (obviously) for many reasons, but I think I can see where they were going with it. As human beings, sticking out is not a desirable thing. Everyone declares that they want to be special, be the unique one that shines - the diamond amongst the pebbles... but in reality? Conformity is so much more comfortable.

If society is mostly made up of overweight individuals, regardless of the societal pressure to be thin - being overweight is the actual norm. Think about it, how many times have you heard of a thin person, especially a NEWLY thin person being disparaged by others? "That skinny witch... thinks she's so special...." How many times have you heard the newly thin person speak about friends or family trying to sabotage him/her?

We might publicly lobby for a size zero for women and a ripped body for men, but society tends to insist on the overweight instead. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

Honestly, it's really rather cruel. If you were to have a child that you kept threatening and telling her to not eat anything but her broccoli, but then punishing her for not eating the ice cream... I don't think that anyone would deny that is abuse! There isn't any difference between that and how everyone has been treating one another, it's just window dressed to blend in as part of our expected daily interactions. Unnoticeable, and thus overlooked.

You cannot change society. There is nothing you can do. You can lobby for a healthier image to be held up as the ideal, and while they'll nod their heads at you seemingly in agreement, they'll always insist on the impossible while forcing the undesirable instead.

In the end, it really comes down to you. This is, after all, about your own body; the one thing that you have dominion over before anyone else. Your body is the one area where your vote carries the weight of millions, and all the millions carry no weight save that which you give them. It's your body. Your world. Your war.

Yes, war, because it is more than a single battle. A real battle. They wouldn't call it the "battle of the bulge" and other variations if it was so easy. The trick is to know who and what you are battling in the first place.

The answer to that question is different for all of us. You are unique. What I battle isn't what you battle, no matter how similar it may seem. This knowledge is both empowering, and isolating - because in the end no one can help you, but you. No one can be blamed, but you.

Most people hesitate to internally shut out the sway that others have on their battle... until they realize they always have been all alone in it. It's lonely, and we like to have company - so we settle for the illusion that it's there, never realizing that we give our power away just for the masquerade of help in a battle that cannot be fought by anyone else but ourselves.

Once you do realize this, you will find that you have a lot more power at your fingertips than you ever thought possible. Total power, as a matter of fact. However, in order to use this power, you have to really look at who you are and what you are struggling with. As I said before, we all have different reasons - some more disturbing than others, many a combination. Yet all are unique and problematic, and all of them need to be addressed.

You have to find your own way, no matter how silly it might seem to someone else. For example, sometimes I find it helpful to assign a reason to each pound still plaguing me. See how stupid that sounds? Yet, when I say something like "this pound is because of that jerk in Chicago... actually, five of those belong to that," not only does it help, but it makes me want to take action. It is the literally equivalent of realizing you are carrying physical baggage because of something that bothered you at one time or another. It's like never being able to set down your book bag , even though you graduated years ago!

Sometimes I feel as though I have had to give myself permission to lose weight. It's a bizarre thing, really... but there is simply no denying it. These things, these weird feelings, actions and reactions that we take for whatever reason? They're real. There is no sense in wasting time trying to deny or justify them. What's the point? Will I feel better about myself if I list all the reasons I should be justified in what I have done to myself? Will that change how I feel now?

There comes a point at which you have to realize that your body is connected to who you are, and you must decide who you want to be. How do you want your existence to continue? You have the choice, at this very moment, to take a different approach. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now. Will the choice be there next week? Absolutely... but what is the sense it putting it off until then?

For some people, weight is just weight. For others like myself, much of it connects deeply to who you are and where you have been. There is no reasonable justification behind it - it just simply is. Once you realize that, you are faced with deciding whether to accept those things with acknowledgment of everything that entails, or to make a change; to decide to let some experiences, thoughts, decisions, and actions go.

I'm still working on letting go. I probably always will be, but for every small victory I have I can tell you that it isn't just about the physical weight outside that everyone sees. You feel lighter inside too.

While there are many times that holding on to something is commendable, there are many others where letting go is the right decision. It doesn't lessen who you are, it refines it. Sometimes letting go can give you what you have always wanted. Sometimes the simple act of letting something go can set you free.