Thin or Healthy?

Every so often a new "study" comes out that people can be fit and fat at the same time. This inevitably leads to a lot of arguments both publicly and behind closed doors. Usually when an article is published like that, I get a barrage of emails about it asking how that can be possible? Why do they do this sort of thing to the public and confuse them like this? Why?? Why??? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

It's actually not that confusing, but perhaps we need to break it down a little bit. Can you be fit and overweight at the same time? Well, consider this; I ran an entire marathon when I was technically overweight by every standard. More than that, I saw even heavier people go the distance too. Would you say a person who can run 26.2 miles in one go, after months of training and running close to that distance multiple times is fit? How about with fabulous blood/physical tests too, minus the body fat test?

Yes, you can be fit and be fat. I think it is really important to understand that while exercise and nutrition go hand in hand, and overlap in many areas, in the overall sense they're about different things.

Generally speaking, being fit means your body can go the distance when you need it to without freaking out on you.

Being thin means many things, but we're going to go with "looks pleasing to the eye, in regards to being of appropriate size" (as judged by society, with a little but of numerical input by the authorities that be.) Sometimes this is too low, and we need to adjust that to the realistically thin, rather than just thin. After all, it seems like no one is ever thin enough if we let society have a voice.

Most importantly we need to add a third to the equation; being healthy means being fit and maintaining a healthy level of body fat (amongst other issues as well, such as cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.) This is a more complete concept, combining a strong body with a strong support system.

In order to lose weight people are told to focus on diet and exercise. This is absolutely true... but it's rather lacking in some important details. This is where the overlap and the confusion rests.

Fit is a matter of training and cultivation of your body and its abilities. Thin(er) is about taking in less energy (food/calories) than required to force your body to use up its stores of fat. However, eating the wrong things will make getting fit really tough because your body needs to be supported in its efforts. Eating too much of the right things will support the efforts, but allow the body to retain its precious fat stores.... thus you fuel the training without forcing the reduction.

Further, you need to understand that exercise isn't about being thin. This is really important! Have you ever heard the term "skinny-fat"? You can be thin and absolutely lost in the realm of fitness. You can literally be too fat when you are thin, because you aren't fit. This doesn't just apply to those naturally thin people who can eat ice cream all day and stay a size 2. This applies to anyone who is not physically active. Exercise is about USING YOUR BODY. Exercise is about making your body stronger, better at what it does, a fine tuned machine to get you through your life. Exercise is NOT about losing weight.

A side effect of exercise is that it just so happens to burn calories a little faster than if you were pretending to be a sloth for the day. It's irrelevant to the fitness side of the equation, save for the consideration of eating appropriately so you are able to do what you need to do, and create a stronger you. The side effect of a higher caloric burn is seriously over played. It is not the end all, be all answer to your weight woes. It's a side effect of one of the components of a healthy you, not the reason you aren't in the size jeans you wish you were because you skipped it. Well, not exactly anyway.

A thinner body is made in the kitchen. You stop eating, you die. That isn't the answer, no matter how hard Hollywood tries to push that angle. Eating too little teaches your body you are starving, and how to live on even less calories to maintain its equilibrium. Not really a good idea... although, the way the economy is going...

The answer is to feed yourself. Frequently. Not huge servings, not tiny servings... think Goldilocks! Juuuuuuust right. It needs to be healthy things. This does not mean that you eat burlap for the rest of your life. Things taste good to you for a reason! Your body is programmed to identify what you need - and that stuff actually tastes good to you! The problem is that human beings got themselves a science kit and screwed around with everything. Added chemicals are in foods to trick your body into thinking that those chips are exactly what you want! The bad news is that all that junk that tastes so great is... JUNK!!!!!

The good news is that the stuff you are supposed to eat will actually taste good to you after a little bit of time without the chemical nonsense interfering. And if you find you just HATE oatmeal, well guess what? You don't have to eat it. There is a huge variety of healthy foods out there. THOUSANDS. You have options, and I promise you it doesn't include liquefying sardines, yogurt and raw eggs for breakfast... unless you're freaky like that.

The other good news is that you can still have the junk. Occasionally. Being healthy isn't an all or nothing proposition. Even better, eating healthy and then getting to indulge in the junk makes the junk taste even better. You are more sensitive to the intensified flavors, so it's more enjoyable for that short term indulgence. No one really talks about that, but it really is true. Another bonus if, like me, you refuse to write a Dear John letter to the chocolate industry.

Now, do eating healthy and exercising go hand in hand? Yes, they do - but not the way that it's played off to people. I really feel that this image of exercising just so someone can fit into their pants is a nightmare. It's the wrong message, because what happens when you can fit in them? Do you stop? Do you sit on your couch and see how long it takes daisies to sprout out your ears?

Exercise will make you firmer, give you more energy, protect you from injury, contribute to helping your health from the inside out, relieve stress, help boost your metabolism, increase muscle mass, and so on.

Eating correctly will make you feel better, have more energy, protect your body from the inside out, even keep stress at bay (see a pattern yet?), and so on. But here is where a reduction in body fat comes in.

You can have one without the other, but both of them are hollow when isolated. Eating correctly is great, but if you don't move your body you can end up "skinny-fat", and not having the level of energy you should.... among other things. Exercising but not eating healthy can enable you to do many things, but you'll NEVER be as good as you could be, or reach the highest levels without eating correctly. You'll always be that "almost good enough" athlete until you add in the nutritional component.

So one makes you smaller, and the other makes you better. Diet and exercise are tied together, but not the way they're pitched in the media. Losing weight is a big priority for most of us. That's fine, as long as we realize that the way to do that is to be smart about how we treat our bodies overall.

Weightloss is a side effect of doing the right things for our body, overall. It is not the prize at the end of the race, it's just one of the things that happens during it... like a tan during a marathon. No one runs 26.2 miles to get a tan, it just sort of happens during all the training you spend running outside. Weightloss is that tan that happens while you are learning how to treat your body right so it will return the favor for the rest of your life.

The number one piece of advice I give to people is this: Stop weighing yourself, and start working on your life. Those numbers wont help you, but grabbing an apple and going for a walk surely will.

Letting It Go

People gain weight for a lot of different reasons. Some people gain weight because they go from a very active job/lifestyle (for example, the military) to a sedentary occupation, and they don't adjust their habits. Some people just like food, a lot, and well... it gets the better of them. Some people stress eat, it's simply how they cope and the weight comes and goes as life's stress does the same.

And then there are those of us who gained weight for a reason. I'm not talking about trying to make a weight-class for a boxing match. I'm referring to the intensely deep and personal reasons that we don't like to talk about.

I'm one of those. I have a long laundry list of reasons, most of which are too personal and painful to get into. But I have a really easy one on that list that I don't mind discussing. In Chicago when I was attending college, shortly after I was married, I had a stalker. I handled it wrong during the initial contact, but the fortunate thing was that I spotted him for exactly what he was and immediately took precautionary measures.

I changed cars, my patterns, locations I went to, routes I drove, and so on. I also changed my appearance. Some people look the same whether they're wearing cosmetics and their hair is done, or they're hanging out in sweats with everything undone. I am not one of those people. I look completely different undone. I made sure my clothes were completely different, I never wore makeup, I pulled my hair severely back. I really looked like another person.

And it worked.

But one of these physical appearance measures was subconscious. Extremely effective - maybe the most effective out of everything visually, but totally unintentional on a conscious level. I gained weight. A lot of it. FAST. I have always struggled with my weight, but even when I was pregnant I did not gain weight that rapidly. I put on around 40 to 50 lbs in the space of less than two months.

Looking back, I'm simply amazed. I've gone on all sorts of horrible and shameful binges that lasted longer than they should have, but I have never put on weight like that before or since. I cannot say that I really recall what I ate or did, as it really was unintentional - so I wasn't really focusing on that. I kind of wish I had kept a record of what I ate, because... well... wow.

I managed to shake the disturbed individual (though I did overhear him trying to garner information on me from the student office.) But the weight was a little harder to shed. I graduated, actually gaining another 20 lbs up until graduation - which rounded me out somewhere around 230 lbs (I stopped weighing myself at 222 lbs, but I know I continued to gain. I remember stepping on that scale and seeing it move up and up and up, and just feeling powerless to stop it.) I moved states. I was safe.... and still the weight remained.

I mentioned earlier that I have a long list of bad reasons why I have gained weight before. Suffice it to say, my past was a testament to the fact that excess weight can protect you. You might not want it, you might feel bad about yourself... but compared to the alternative? At least you have some measure of safety. A blanket to wrap around yourself that while the rest of the world may look down on you for it, at least some of the other dangerous ones aren't looking at you at all because of it.

Now, to those of you who don't have a past like that, this concept is completely foreign. That's not only just fine, but frankly? Good for you. However, people without a dark past hang onto their weight too. There are reasons, no matter how silly they may look in the light of day, that we hang onto our weight.

There was a rather annoying theory circulating last year that said being fat was contagious. Like a virus. Sneeze, and voila! You're a size 24. I disagree (obviously) for many reasons, but I think I can see where they were going with it. As human beings, sticking out is not a desirable thing. Everyone declares that they want to be special, be the unique one that shines - the diamond amongst the pebbles... but in reality? Conformity is so much more comfortable.

If society is mostly made up of overweight individuals, regardless of the societal pressure to be thin - being overweight is the actual norm. Think about it, how many times have you heard of a thin person, especially a NEWLY thin person being disparaged by others? "That skinny witch... thinks she's so special...." How many times have you heard the newly thin person speak about friends or family trying to sabotage him/her?

We might publicly lobby for a size zero for women and a ripped body for men, but society tends to insist on the overweight instead. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

Honestly, it's really rather cruel. If you were to have a child that you kept threatening and telling her to not eat anything but her broccoli, but then punishing her for not eating the ice cream... I don't think that anyone would deny that is abuse! There isn't any difference between that and how everyone has been treating one another, it's just window dressed to blend in as part of our expected daily interactions. Unnoticeable, and thus overlooked.

You cannot change society. There is nothing you can do. You can lobby for a healthier image to be held up as the ideal, and while they'll nod their heads at you seemingly in agreement, they'll always insist on the impossible while forcing the undesirable instead.

In the end, it really comes down to you. This is, after all, about your own body; the one thing that you have dominion over before anyone else. Your body is the one area where your vote carries the weight of millions, and all the millions carry no weight save that which you give them. It's your body. Your world. Your war.

Yes, war, because it is more than a single battle. A real battle. They wouldn't call it the "battle of the bulge" and other variations if it was so easy. The trick is to know who and what you are battling in the first place.

The answer to that question is different for all of us. You are unique. What I battle isn't what you battle, no matter how similar it may seem. This knowledge is both empowering, and isolating - because in the end no one can help you, but you. No one can be blamed, but you.

Most people hesitate to internally shut out the sway that others have on their battle... until they realize they always have been all alone in it. It's lonely, and we like to have company - so we settle for the illusion that it's there, never realizing that we give our power away just for the masquerade of help in a battle that cannot be fought by anyone else but ourselves.

Once you do realize this, you will find that you have a lot more power at your fingertips than you ever thought possible. Total power, as a matter of fact. However, in order to use this power, you have to really look at who you are and what you are struggling with. As I said before, we all have different reasons - some more disturbing than others, many a combination. Yet all are unique and problematic, and all of them need to be addressed.

You have to find your own way, no matter how silly it might seem to someone else. For example, sometimes I find it helpful to assign a reason to each pound still plaguing me. See how stupid that sounds? Yet, when I say something like "this pound is because of that jerk in Chicago... actually, five of those belong to that," not only does it help, but it makes me want to take action. It is the literally equivalent of realizing you are carrying physical baggage because of something that bothered you at one time or another. It's like never being able to set down your book bag , even though you graduated years ago!

Sometimes I feel as though I have had to give myself permission to lose weight. It's a bizarre thing, really... but there is simply no denying it. These things, these weird feelings, actions and reactions that we take for whatever reason? They're real. There is no sense in wasting time trying to deny or justify them. What's the point? Will I feel better about myself if I list all the reasons I should be justified in what I have done to myself? Will that change how I feel now?

There comes a point at which you have to realize that your body is connected to who you are, and you must decide who you want to be. How do you want your existence to continue? You have the choice, at this very moment, to take a different approach. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now. Will the choice be there next week? Absolutely... but what is the sense it putting it off until then?

For some people, weight is just weight. For others like myself, much of it connects deeply to who you are and where you have been. There is no reasonable justification behind it - it just simply is. Once you realize that, you are faced with deciding whether to accept those things with acknowledgment of everything that entails, or to make a change; to decide to let some experiences, thoughts, decisions, and actions go.

I'm still working on letting go. I probably always will be, but for every small victory I have I can tell you that it isn't just about the physical weight outside that everyone sees. You feel lighter inside too.

While there are many times that holding on to something is commendable, there are many others where letting go is the right decision. It doesn't lessen who you are, it refines it. Sometimes letting go can give you what you have always wanted. Sometimes the simple act of letting something go can set you free.

Showdown

Like something out of an old western, my scale and I are circling each other. The sun beats down upon us, dust glitters in the air, and cowardly townsfolk run for cover only to peer out their windows through their moldy lace curtains because they cannot help themselves. I can even hear the old twang of the "High Noon" harmonica music that ends on a whistle as tumbleweeds cartwheel past.

It's been over a week since we've faced one another down. When last we met, I walked away the victor... but I'm certain that is not the case now. So the question becomes, how badly can I lose? How much blood and carnage will there be?

I went on vacation with all the best intentions. We even stayed in a unit with a full kitchen. I brought good food. You can practically see my halo, can't you? It all went wrong on the first day. We visited the World's Longest Candy Counter (I'll be doing a whole lot of pictures and commentary about my vacation Monday.) I faced down old friends from the world of sugar that I had long forgotten. I did so well... until I hit the custom chocolates area. They had a stretch of liqueur filled chocolates... Amaretto, Irish cream, Rum... These were right next to the chocolate covered cookie dough and 30 varieties of custom flavored malted milk balls.

It all gets kind of fuzzy after that, but I ended up leaving with a sack full of goodies and a rather buzzed sugar high of epic proportions. After that, it was a free-fall into food debauchery that should probably not even be described, due to the contact sugar high you all would likely get. Let me just say that not only did we go to that candy store, we also went to two other chocolate outlets (Lindt and Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory) as well as several restaurants during the week. And there may have been some champagne in there too.

In my own defense, I was also being stalked by Reese's. Seriously, check this thing out (and don't mock me, taking these pictures was mortifying because people were laughing at me. We're talking blood, sweat, and tears, people!)
I, of course, had to put myself in the picture to prove that I snuggled with the BEST VENDING MACHINE EVER!
See! I was there! It only took my family a little while to get me to separate from the giant Reese's. But I did. Eventually... (do you think they sell those machines on eBay?)

But now, the party is over. The check has come to the table, and the bill must be paid. I have started taking inventory, trying to decide if it's worth stepping on the scale or not. I'm sure some of you have done this at one time or another... I can still zip up my pants and sit down in them and breath: Bonus! But they don't look quite right: Penalty. I swam and walked and did active things while I was away: Bonus! But then I ate enough to hibernate until next Spring: Penalty.

I know, for a fact, that it will be a bad number: noted. How bad....? If it's really bad, will I continue to slide downward into Reese's and gourmet chocolate oblivion? No, but it might make me a not very nice person for a few weeks. But would it change anything to know how bad I was if I plan on being good anyway? Shouldn't I just move forward and do good... and maybe step on the scale in a few weeks? Maybe... but what if I need to see the corrective progress, to make sense of the disappointing number in a few weeks from now because I got over excited about how great I was doing?

I hate my scale. It doesn't matter how many times you tell yourself that it's a piece of metal simply calculating mass... it still has the powerful and mysterious ability to influence my moods. Especially when I know I am trying to lose between 15-20 lbs by graduation and there simply isn't any time left to mess around. I'm an educated woman. I know that the scale lies. I even restrict my personal training clients from it. Which is rather funny actually, because it makes me feel like the evil witch in sleeping beauty with the very last spinning wheel in the entire kingdom secreted away in the top-most chamber of the castle... just waiting to do it's evil deed.

Just call me Maleficent.

I think I shall wait to prick my finger for at least another day.

Edit: I forgot that I need to ask you all something! I would like to know whether an "older" *ahem* student such as myself should be sending out graduation announcements (not invitations, I can only invite four people, and I'm already over with my parents attending + Mr. Savy and the mini-mes)? This is my first bachelor's degree. I only completed my Associates in Fine Arts... almost a BFA, but things shifted and we moved. 10 years later (two years ago) I went back to college full-time and now I am about to graduate with my BS in Business Administration (summa cum laude, most likely.) So... am I supposed to send out announcements? Am I even allowed? If I am, and do... when am I supposed to send them? Maybe I'm too old and I should just graduate in secret from the standpoint of people I actually would send them to. I've tried googling it, and I can't figure out the details of who, when, etc.

They Have It Easier

This is going to sound like a fitness post for one millisecond, but it's not. I'm fed up. So, I guess it's a rant instead.

One of the biggest arguments I see people get into about "fitness" is who has it easier. There are the people who need to lose weight arguing that the naturally thin people "just trying to bulk up" have it easier than those trying to lose. The thin-bulkers yell back that all the weight loss people have to do is stop eating, how hard is that?

I'm not exactly sure why anyone cares who has it harder, it doesn't make it any easier for you, does it? People do this with other things in life too, the "my life is worse than yours, therefore you have no right to complain! My husband is worse, my dog is ruder, my children care less about me, I have less money, less hair, less shoe selection..." whatever.

So what? What if you win every stupid title of having it worse, does that actually make you feel better? Really? Does it change anything? Does it make the task before you less daunting? Does it make the task before the person you were competing with any easier?

Look at it this way, if you lost a parent is your loss any more worthy of sympathy than the person next to you who also lost theirs? The answer is no, because you don't live their life. You don't get to sit in judgment on them and say because you feel something keenly that the other person's problem is less. They can't possibly feel as bad as you... How would you know?

If you live your life saying that your life is worse than someone else's and not letting people "have their own problems" not only will you still have yours, you are going to be awful lonely during them too.

It's not a fitness mindset, it's a life mindset - and too many people are stuck in it. "I have more weight to lose, I'm poorer, I'm older, I've led a harder life..." the competition changes nothing, except alienates you from others. You are telling everyone else that they don't have the right to feel bad about something in their life that is bothering them, simply because you have stuff in your life bothering you too. Some people use it in order to not find any solutions, they're so caught up with pursuing the "my life is the worst" title and crown that they never even try to make anything better.

You may not have noticed, but this is a big theme in our society, even to the very worst extremes. You have lost a child? Well, sure, you are allowed to feel bad - "but someone ALWAYS has it worse than you!" there is that woman over there who lost all eight of hers, so don't get too caught up in your own sadness. You haven't the right.

Why am I talking about this? Because it's another way people devalue one another, and I'm so damn sick of it. We preach about respecting each other, and then take away the other person's right to feel what they feel about their own lives. Finances, Weight, Marriage, Employment - there isn't a topic that is off limits to that. I knew a woman who had so many problems and was so overwhelmed she took her own life by driving her car head on into traffic where there was an oncoming dump truck. I actually heard people talking a few days later about it and one said "I have no idea why she did it, I mean - suicide? Why? My husband is cheating on me, we're on state assistance... I have it way worse! And you don't see me committing suicide!"

That's right, she was leveraging her problems against a dead woman's. Classy.

All I could think was that I hadn't known the deceased woman well, but maybe if someone had just let her feel she had a right to think her life sucked at that given point and time, and was allowed to express how she felt without everyone else cutting her off and saying that they have it worse and thus no sympathy or empathy for her... well maybe if someone had just let her feel what she felt, she might not have done that. Maybe she still would have, but this cutting people down for their problems has got to stop.

I see it all the time on blogs. Someone has a problem and actually has the guts to post about it... and the comments start pouring in about people who have it worse. Not commiserating and sympathy "yeah, us too, this stinks..." but "you think YOU have it bad?!!!?" type stuff.

You know what? A little understanding goes a long way. Maybe competing with someone else about how bad your situation is won't make you feel better, but how about just listening to someone else for a little bit without devaluing their feelings and situation? You don't have to solve anything, you don't have to demand a ranking of problems because there is no line where they're handing out solutions. You simply have to shut up. How hard is that? Then the next time, someone can listen to you! What a concept, huh?

Stop caring about who has it worse, and just simply care for a change. I know it sounds like work, but it is actually more tiring to constantly tell everyone how it's worse for you than them. It's more draining to hurt another person than it is to help. And yet, people keep doing it. Listening, and caring just the tiniest bit doesn't mean you suffer any less than you do - it just means you are willing to acknowledge that other people are in pain too. That's all. It's such a small thing, even about trivial matters, but it could mean so much and you wouldn't even know it. It could make the difference for that person, the feather that tilts the scale back in the right direction.

It could change the world right there, if only in a little way.

Matter to Matter

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately, in relation to my life and how I want it to be. Something that has always bugged me since high school was a feeling of unrealized purpose and potential. This in turn translates to success, wanting to be successful, and what that means. I had an interesting conversation yesterday which opened my eyes a bit (I wrote about it here on Color Me Kyra) but then something happened afterwards...

One of the things that has always bothered me was why our weight matters so much to other people. Why is it the most important, top of the list thing that people have to qualify you by and then be able to move on to other things... if you actually pass muster, which is almost impossible to do? I was thinking about this, and then after discussing Harry Potter with my daughter and puttering around J.K. Rowling's website I found a statement to girls and the public in general. I was completely amazed (I know, Harry Potter doesn't seem to fit into this discussion, but humor me for a second.)

This is from her site, part of a sort of blog entry she made:

"'Fat' is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her,' I said; I could remember it happening when I was at school and witnessing it among the teenagers I used to teach. Nevertheless, I could see that to him, a well-adjusted male, it was utterly bizarre behavior, like yelling 'thicko!' at Stephen Hawking."

"I'm not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain...

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn't seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? 'You've lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!'

'Well,' I said, slightly nonplussed, 'the last time you saw me I'd just had a baby.'

What I felt like saying was, 'I've produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren't either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?' But no - my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally something to celebrate!"


Makes you stop and think, doesn't it? I was still, doing just that when I took my daughter to Basketball practice yesterday evening. I got into a conversation with one of the other women there, whom I really never talk to. Someone brought up my being in school again, and I mentioned that yes I was graduating soon, and was abruptly cut off with a comment of "You look like you have lost a lot of weight. You're looking better!"

Whoa. What? Weren't we just talking about something else? Not to mention, I'm the same weight I have been for, oh..... at least three years now? I know, some women thrive off of those "you've lost weight" compliments. I do not. I am someone who has been secretly, desperately hoping you noticed who I was all those times we talked, not my waist size. It hurts to find out otherwise, and is actually demotivating to me to hear a "keep up the good work, keep losing weight" from people whom I have never discussed weight with before, nor have any real clue about it.

I'm more interested in the person and the life than the dress size - why isn't anyone else? The only dress size I care about is my own, I don't care what yours is - it's your business, your body, your life. I want to know what you've been up to, not what your scale has.

Apparently, I really am in the minority. But worse, with the words from J.K. Rowling's site on my mind I realized I have no chance. No one does. If you can build for yourself over a billion dollars in success from nothing, in a way that has never been seen before, 100% success that cannot be denied on a massive scale the like Harry Potter series, and the first thing that people - even friends - can say and do is judge you on your weight today... Well, I'm screwed. We're all screwed.

Because you know what? You can't do better than that. You can't ask for more publicity of your success, or even just more success. She's at the top level of the highest ladder which she got to on her own, no one can do better than that. And yet they STILL... We're never going to be thin enough. There is NO SUCH THING.

There exists only a few levels of being for women and weight in our society:

* Way too fat "why is she even let out in public?"
* Not as but still way too fat "Awww what a shame, how did she let that happen?"
* Still fat but given a pass to merge with the population with a "well, she has such a pretty face... if only..."
* Fat but "boy if she could just drop the last 20 lbs!"
* Not actually fat but "she still needs to drop 5-10 lbs, she doesn't look quite right."
* Actually at your perfect thin goal weight which is healthy "You know, if she just worked hard enough she could look decent - she has such potential if she only made the effort!"

** and then there is finally thin "OMG, what did you do? You should eat! Haven't we been telling you this? You're too thin!"

I'm not saying we don't attack each other on other levels too, but dress size is always the first. You could walk in with a puce mohawk and people would still be first and foremost judging you by your derrière.

It's not that I haven't faced an impossible judgment before, I have. I have been told by numerous other people in my history that because I am female I can't ever achieve - not really. Those people are irrational, and quite frankly blindly stupid. We know this.

If someone says to our face if we do 100% the same wonderful job as the man next to us, our results will be lacking simply because we're female - we know they're idiots. MOST people know they're idiots. Enough know this that it's not "P.C." to say something like that, and in some cases legally actionable. If we judge by gender the work that someone does, we know that is absolutely ridiculous. So why is it we judge the same things by dress size? It's just another impossible thing, because there is no "right" way of being. There is no right dress size. At least we know on the female argument according to the morons if we were just male it would have been acceptable, but on dress size there is no right answer - you're either too big or too small, and Goldilocks isn't here to find what the hell is going to be just right. (She's probably out back, being told by the bears that she needs to drop a few pounds before they'll let her near the porridge again.)

I know everyone talks about letting go the dress size thing in relation to other people. The whole "you have to do it for yourself" argument. It's 100% true, so don't misunderstand me. But it is also necessary to acknowledge that we are motivated by what others think of us. It's our nature, we're peer-group driven. If we weren't, there would be more unacceptable behavior on a much grander scale. So the key then lies in changing how we view others, and trying to get the word out so that others can change how they view us.

If you have been reading me for a while now, you probably know that one of my biggest wishes (and greatest fears) is to be seen. Really seen. I don't think that I am alone in this desire. I think most people, unless they have been up to rather nefarious pursuits, want to be truly seen. I spent a lot of my life ignored, and then noticed only to be singled out for painful purpose. That wasn't what I had in mind, and still isn't. There are three people in my life who do actually "see" me, and there is such a vast difference between looked at and being seen.

I want to see the people in my life, and be seen by them. I don't know what the answer is for the greater whole out there. Maybe it's simply each of us making the choice to stop imposing stupidly impossible and unrelated filters over our interactions with other people. Maybe it's that we also stop hiding behind the filters ourselves - I can't be the only one who dually harbors the fear of being seen as well as needing to be. It's a scary thing, I think, to most. But this reality? This way of judging others, not on their merits, but by how they don't measure up to whatever impossible standard we have set? It's so much worse. We just don't realize it, because we have become used to the pain and insult.

Or maybe just numb. I don't want to be numb anymore. I rather hope that others feel the same way.

Life With Teeth

I seem to have had a lot of discussions lately about the style of the way one lives their life. There are so many different flavors and fashions, and even in one lifetime you can expect to go through several.

As a child, you pretty much have no choice. You must accept the style of letting everyone else tell you what to do, and do it (even if you secretly plot their demise while doing so.) Sure, you could fight it, but it usually landed you in hot water on multiple levels. So, in the end, you submitted while they watched you... and very likely rebelled when they didn't. The problem with the rebellion is that even then the choices you are making are because of someone else's for you. That is, of course, the ultimate irony.

As an adult, you have many more choices open to you. Unfortunately, being unceremoniously dumped into adulthood with choice and responsibility thrust upon you within the same tick of the clock, doesn't result in making the best decisions for you. Sure, sometimes you get some great results... but usually this is referred to as "those embarrassing years" or "my wild 20's". I did plenty of stupid things. I listened a lot, trying to stumble upon hints and clues to who I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to go through my day being that person. The fatal flaw in all of this (in the midst of about 100 others) is that I was still listening for someone else to tell me what to do, when I knew that wouldn't give me what I wanted.

Still, listening can help lead you to some concrete conclusions about what you want out of your life. But in the end, what has to happen is that you need to grab onto your own life and refuse to let go. All that time spent listening, and you probably didn't notice the others trying to grab on and wrest you away from yourself. They were there all along, they were even there in different guises during childhood. They were masked and operated with more guile once you were an adult, and yet all along they were simply maneuvering for a better grip.

Be this, be that! Be thin! Be strong! Be a proper! Keep your voice down! And Agree... Agree with EVERYTHING we say! Live up to these standards, and follow this path. This is where you need to be! This is the only person you ever can be.

All that time early on when you were quietly paying attention for hints and clues, and they knew it. Sneaky, aren't they?

Then, one day not long after you notice that there are certainly a lot of things others want you to be and do, you realize that "they" have become you. Suddenly you realize that it's now YOU who are whispering that you aren't good enough. You aren't smart enough. You aren't thin enough, strong enough, rich enough, savvy enough... you just aren't enough. Be this, do that, jump this high and then run over there, and know that you will never ever please me. All that quiet entanglement in silk soft ropes suddenly becomes laced with thorns of reality in there here and now.

And you did it. They helped, but YOU did it.

But maybe you haven't gone too far down their path. It's never too late, right?

What I have discovered is that there are a million people waiting to step in and tell you how to live your life. Worse, in 99.9% of the cases you will not like their ideas for you. That old phrase, "you can't please everyone", is very real. It's just not physically possible, and yet they will certainly demand that you try.

After you stop trying to please them and start zeroing in on those things that you do want, that is when the real trouble starts. Maybe that's not where they want you to be going. Maybe it is, but it isn't far enough. And hey, even if you do succeed, do you really think it's any good? Plus they have you so well trained that even when they're not around, you fill in all those silences with every nasty thing that could possibly be said to discourage you.

So, basically you are putting out double the effort for every single thing you do for yourself. The effort to achieve the goal, and the effort to fight your efforts to get in your way.

Have you ever seen a dog attack with their teeth and refuse to let go? I'm not talking about those horrible vicious attacks on children or anything like that. Think about those training videos of police dogs that never release until it's alright to do so. I think about those teeth. Have you ever felt truly aggressive? It's that feeling where you hear the words in your head "Like hell!" or "Over my dead body" and mean them. If you are a parent, it's easy to tap into. The mere suggestion of someone harming your child probably has you gritting your teeth and thrusting out your jaw. What if someone tried to take your life savings from you? Whatever is most dear, you wouldn't let that happen without a fight - would you?

Then why let yourself be stolen away? For most people, by the time they realize they need to do something about their lives so it becomes their life, they have a fight on their hands. I know I did.

Be the perfect wife. Be the perfect mother. Be thin - you're never too thin. Sell useless fund-raising things, and be happy volunteering for any and all community projects. Shut up, no one wants to hear you. Give up your time, you have no right to it. If you are one of the lucky people, that really does make you happy... yet even then there will be so many things you can't meet. I couldn't meet any of them. Those things, those labels, those expectations were not who I was. I thought it would be simple to change tact and adopt a new direction, but it turns out that once they get their hooks in, they're murder to shake off - even when it's your own self. That's where the teeth come in.

Aggression isn't always bad. As a matter of fact, aggression is essential. You have to reach down inside yourself and find your teeth. Then you have to sink them in to what you really want for yourself and never let go. You may have to growl, and snap, and give a good show as well as a strong fight. But above all else, you must fight.

I have spent a lot of time here in the past showing the less toothy side of myself. The side that is wounded by opinions and words, and who rails at the world for the unfairness of it all (that's a nice way of saying "I whine like a fire alarm.") That side exists, it is part of who I am. But it is not the whole of who I am, and it no longer hinders who I am meant to be. It took a while, and the progress was inch by furious inch, but that is not who I am. So, I may show my blood sweat and tears on here, but understand that in real-life, I am not to be underestimated.

You shouldn't let yourself be either. So be fierce. Life your life with teeth, because without it you will be the one who gets bitten.

Brutal Truth From The Inside Out

From my mailbag:

Dear Savy,

I'm so confused with all the diet advice out there. I saw you looked at P90X, but then you talked about Body For Life, and macronutritents and things like that. I'm looking at Southbeach, but I don't understand why it makes fruits off limits and stuff like that. Other diets let you eat butter and bacon. Why can't someone just tell it like it is? What can I eat? What should I not eat? What should I do for exercise? Do I need supplements?

Please help! I'm so confused!

(name omitted)


The reason that you're confused is that there are a lot of answers out there, coupled with a lot of misinformation and people who want to make a fast buck off of the desperate dieting consumer. So, lets break it down to the absolute brutal truth, and then take it back to what is reasonable.

Fruit : Any diet that tells you to avoid fruit like it's evil is suspect. You should see red flags every time any diet tells you to leave out natural foods that you know are good for you.

Vegetables: Same as fruit, if someone is telling you to avoid them, something is wrong with that diet/person. Now, if someone is telling you to subsist off of them, there is something wrong too. You need more than just vegetables in your diet to be healthy. You are not a caterpillar.

Meat/Fish: If a diet tells you to avoid meat, you should ask why. As a vegetarian it is 100% possible to have a 100% healthy diet without meat, but you need protein. You need complete proteins, and that means you need to know what things to eat to create a complete protein. There are a lot of books about being a vegetarian that aren't trying to sell you a diet, those are your best resources (it's been a long time since I was a vegetarian, I don't remember everything anymore.) Meats with a higher fat content are less healthy for you.

Dairy: Is NOT evil. Should you drink milk every day? No, not necessarily. It's up to you. If you would like to, you can work that into your diet. Should you be drinking whole milk? No. Should you have butter? No. Should you have the full fat cheeses? No. Can you? Yes, if you are smart about it and balance it with the rest of your diet.

Grains: Is bread evil? No. Should you avoid all grains? No, absolutely not. Now, realize that there are some people who have a medical need to not have certain grains in their diet. Other people feel better without certain ones (like wheat/gluten). Now, all of that being said, are you better off without processed grains like pasta and bread? Yes. The more UNprocessed the grain, the healthier it is for you. Does that mean you can't have pasta and bread? Of course not, but be smart about it.

Sweets/Junk: Should you have sweets in your diet? No. No ice cream. No cake. No Candy. No chips. No pretzels. No roasted honey peanuts. No fried foods. No Junk. (don't freak out, keep reading.)

Supplements: Do you need them? No. One exception: if your doctor says you need something like calcium for bone-loss or something like that, listen to them. The doctor is a very different source for advice than some fitness guru who is trying to sell you the latest in miracle pills. The FDA has a lot to say about supplements, and most of it negative. Be smart, this is your body and what you put into it is important.

Exercise: Do I really need to exercise? YES. Is 10 minutes a day enough? No. What about those tapes that promise in 20 minutes a day a few times a week? NO. What about 30 minutes a day? You're getting closer. Current research suggests that 30 minutes a day is the MINIMUM. Do I need to lift weights/weight bearing activities? Yes. Cardio? Yes. Do I really need both? YES.

Hey, it's the truth.

Now, reality check: Do you HAVE to do all those things? No, you do not. Living in this world, in your life, requires compromise. Imagine never having a bite of your own birthday cake? That's just silly.

The brutal truth is that you should eat "close to the tree/ground" which means looking for foods as close to their natural form as possible. Oat Bread is seriously processed, steel cut oats are barely processed at all. One is much better for you than the other, it's as simple as that. Ice cream doesn't even figure in anywhere near the tree or the ground. However, that doesn't mean that there isn't room for it in your life. Pizza too. (See? I'm not all evil.)

The truth is that you wouldn't want to go through life gnawing on lettuce and oats. So, you make your nutritional choices as balanced as you can. Strive for the "gold" but balance it with reality. The truth is that as a human being you enjoy the tastes of different things. Find the things that appeal to you and push them to be as healthy as you can. Make some choices that are just flat out 100% perfectly healthy, but not all of them. Give yourself a break... just not a BIG one.

Exercise? There is no way around it. We're a lazy species. We have created ways to not do anything, and then to entertain ourselves while we are actively being inactive. That's fine, but you must balance that out with really doing something at other times. Exercise is absolutely necessary now because of the world we live in. If you were out hand plowing the fields all day, it would be a different story. But now your work to acquire wheat can be as simple as a click of the mouse and waiting for someone to ring your doorbell while you sit and watch television. And driving to the grocery store is certainly not like going out and hand-harvesting the food.

You have eliminated what used to be fundamental activity in your life to exist and filled it with other things. There is a price to be paid in order to feel good and look good now, and that means getting out there and moving your body. You need cardio for many reasons, most of which I'm sure I don't have to repeat. You need weight training of some sort because your body is not holding onto its muscle because you aren't using it. But more than that, you are putting yourself at a physical disadvantage with other activities you actually do engage in because those muscles aren't there to support your body. This sets you up for injury and misery. You don't have to bulk up like a fitness competitor, but you do need to work your muscles with something like weight training (there are other options) in order to feel good, protect from injury, and really to just enjoy your life at a level you would not without it.

Look, all of us want to look like super models of one type or another. But the truth is, we don't lead our lives getting paid for being models. The motivation that exists for them to be perfect is lacking in our lives. The good news is that a lot of those model-perfect people engage in behavior that is actually unhealthy (for example, you MUST EAT -skipping meals is not healthy in any way shape or form,) and you have the opportunity to make sure everything you do is in pursuit of your own well being instead of an image. Believe it or not, you have the better set-up.

Sure, you want to look good. But your primary goal should always be to feel good. If you make your move to ensure that you will feel good inside I promise that you will look amazing on the outside. It's that simple. Stop attacking your lifestyle from the outside in. It doesn't work that way, it's backwards and it's often harmful to work from the outside in. Think about how you feel. How would you like to feel? That is your goal. Set up steps to achieve it. The outside will follow.

Do you have to eat perfect? Absolutely not. This is your life, and you need to live it. That means that you participate now and then in celebrations that involve food and lazing around. But not every day. Most likely not every week.

You need to find things that taste good and are healthy to boot, there are a lot of them. Finding healthy good tasting items is a priority because no one wants to lead a life where everything you eat tastes like cardboard. So what's the solution? Maybe you start with a healthy cooking class or cook book. Experiment. Only you know what you like, so pursue those flavors with an intent to improve them to the point that they are a healthy and a sustainable choice for you. Build your recipe box and pantry until it's filled with what you enjoy that supports who you want to be from the inside out.

What about other family members that you live with? If you are a parent, teaching your children how to be healthy from the inside out is one of the best gifts you can give them. If there is someone in your household who is unsupportive, you have to decide whether to give in to them and let them take you down to an unhealthy level, or if you are important enough to yourself to keep moving in the right direction. Life never stops. You are either moving forward or backwards, and you are choosing every step before you. You can put your foot down on solid or shaky ground, but it is 100% your choice no matter who is voicing their opinion to you.

I have lived with those who do not make the same choices as I do. The answer to handling it is to just be quietly persistent. No, not with them; be persistent with yourself. It is not your job to change their choices and behavior. It might seem like a good idea to retaliate when they attack your lifestyle, but it isn't. The solution is simple: just keep doing what you are doing. Quietly. Let them voice their opinions, but don't engage them in conversation about it unless they ask a reasonable question. You have made your choice, you know it's in your best interests - that is all you need. You don't have to defend yourself, isn't that a relief?

The reason everything is so confusing out there with the million different opinions and advice floating around is because it's about finding balance. With so many people out there, that means that there is a lot of variance in what equals balance for one person verses another. So, here is the best advice I can give anyone who comes to me for nutritional and exercise help: You now know that eating an apple is what you should be doing rather than a glass of apple juice, or an apple flavored soda. You know you need to eat foods as close to natural and healthy as you can. You know that you should be moving your body, and not just for 10 minutes a day. You know what you like about how you feel, and what you wish felt better. And yes, you even know what you would like to look like but you have heard me and understand that how you look is just a result of making everything better from the inside out and will follow in the wake of making the right decisions for the rest of you - it's a sure bet, so you don't even have to worry about it. You also know what things are important in your life whether it be having that birthday cake or getting in that daily nap.

You know you best. You know what things you need in your life so you don't feel shortchanged, but you also know what things in your life are excess. Trim the excess, keep the necessities. Fill the gap with what is healthy, and keep that which brings you a thrill and makes you feel balanced. Find your own balance with the tools you have, but don't ask for someone else to give you the blueprint; only you can do that.

Truce

For those of you who know me, and most likely a lot of those who don't, you probably know I have serious food issues. I like food. But more than that, I use food.

Food is, at its essence, a tool. The sole purpose of food is to fuel us. But, we use food for so much more than that.

I have used food to comfort myself when I was sad. I have used food to punish myself when I felt I had no control over my life, and it felt good (yes GOOD) to hate myself for giving in and having that slice of cake (or three). I used food because it was a weapon against myself and others, and when all else seemed lost it was all I had. Maybe that seems silly, looking at a plate of whatever and thinking this is all that is left for you in the world at that moment, and maybe it is. But it doesn't make it any less true. It happened. It was real. I still hear the echoes on occasion.

For the most part, since I really threw myself into fitness, I have used food to fine-tune. Not just as fuel, but a super performance fuel. I found while training for my marathon that even a half a glass of wine (literally 2 fl.oz.) in the evening would mess up my performance on the track the next day. I was slower, I tired more easily, etc. I know it was the wine and not my own wishful thinking, because I tracked my performance and tried to figure out what was going wrong on certain training days and I narrowed it down to that. You have no idea how bright a light-bulb-moment that was, to realize that something so small created such a noticeable effect.

And if wine did that, what about the reverse? What did eating correctly do? It made all the difference, is what eating correctly did. Truly amazing.

Still, using food for that purpose didn't negate the other uses I had in my back pocket. It simply made it less noticeable to others that I abused food as I did. I wasn't 230 lbs anymore with that ice cream being my lifeline, I was a more "normal" weight and less people noticed. That's neither a good or bad thing, it simply just is.

One of the things I embarked upon was Body For Life. I liked the program, but I did not handle "free-days" well. These are days that after six strict days of no "cheats" at all, you are allowed to just eat whenever, whatever. At first it was wonderful. I had NEVER had a meal that I could recall even down to grade school that I didn't feel guilty about (growing up with a bulimic-anorexic mother was not the most productive thing for my own food relationships.) But I found that I started to look at those six days of perfection as a desperate sprint to my free-day where I could breath... and stuff myself.

I viewed my free-days as being about eating everything I couldn't have all week long - sometimes even if I didn't want it. I literally had to start picking and choosing carefully, making sure I picked the things I most wanted and would miss the most during the next six days, because I only had so much room in my stomach. But I didn't enjoy it. I didn't get anything out of it. I didn't even get to hate myself because of it, because I was still losing weight on Body for Life. What I ended up with after several years was a struggle for deprivation and perfection six days of the week, and empty eating without any enjoyment on the seventh.

This was no one's fault but my own, let me make that clear. I know this, full well. I did this to myself because I have always made food my adversary. Even when I knew what food could do for me and my athletic performance, it was an argument, a fight, not a partnership. I took, forcefully, what I wanted from food to make my body go the distance. It was an almost angry dance. So even in good times, it wasn't good. It became an all or nothing thing with me, if I had a perfect day with my food but then had a single stick of gum off plan I felt like the world's worst failure. That is not healthy.

So, for the past few months I have been working hard. Not on perfect macro and micro-nutrient ratios, not on calories, not on timing, but on making peace. If you have been through any of this, or anything similar you can probably agree with me on one thing - I am SO TIRED! This takes energy, to struggle this much, to fight this long. But there are those who are at peace with food, it's a give and take without deprivation and without fear. I have worked on that, for months - as in over six now.

It has only been over the past two weeks that I have subtly realized that I am not fighting food anymore. Somewhere along the way, without my noticing, I achieved a truce between food and myself. There are days when I am eating well and don't eat anything "bad" and don't feel deprived. There are days when I have a Hershey's kiss (or four) and don't feel a failure. Better than that, I just simply balance my day without even thinking about it.

I never would have thought that I could achieve that, especially without my at least noticing. But maybe not noticing is the biggest part of the achievement? Maybe the fact that I don't have to fight anymore and think about it all the time is the most important element in making peace with food. Whatever it is, I feel that I have let out a huge breath that I had been holding since I was five years old. Do I think I won't have to keep an eye on myself and my behavior? Ha, I know myself better than that. I'm a delinquent. I'll slip up. But now I've been here and I know what it means to not fight with food. Even better, I can track back to when this happened and literally the weight has started falling off of me without my forcing the issue.

I have always said that weight loss is a side effect of how you live, not the main activity. I have even believed it. But until this point, I never really felt that I had truly achieved that. So, I guess the reason I am posting this is dual; it feels good to say it, and to those who are where I have been (and will likely slide back into briefly now and then) that this is real, it does exist. You can make peace and it doesn't mean giving up. Never give up.

Calling All Challengers

I'm putting a shout out to anyone interested in losing weight, toning up, running a race, or whatever fitness goal you have. Pink Dumbbells, www.PinkDumbbells.com (a fitness site that Maggie and I run together) is hosting a Mega Challenge! You can follow whatever plan you want to reach whatever goal you have in mind, and have all of us to support you and cheer you along the way!

It's free (the site and the challenge.) No strings. No catches. Nothing.

All levels welcome, from fit to just thinking about it.

So, if you have been looking for an opportunity to improve yourself - we're knocking! Come and join us!

Because I Don't Want To!

Human nature is a peculiar thing. We'll go to the ends of the earth for something on our own, but if someone else tells us we need to do so we don't want to simply because they told us to. In some recent discussions about diet and exercise (but mostly diet) I have found that a reason a lot of people don't stick to their diet isn't because of a craving or a mood, but defiance.

People do not like being told that they cannot have that bag of chips, or that donut - even if they don't actually want it. They don't like being told that they need to exercise, even if they were in the mood to go for a walk. As a personal trainer, it's been an interesting phenomenon to watch. People will literally set out to defy what someone else has suggested that they do - even when they pay for it. My own father freely admits that he will never diet/eat healthy on any plan whatsoever because he resents anyone telling him what he can and cannot eat and he doesn't know how to do it on his own - lovely logic, eh? (And meanwhile my mother is fretting over his ever increasing waistline, freaking out, and likely making his "rebellion" even worse.)

It's not that I don't understand the compulsion to reject the dictates of others. Far from it actually. I'm so adverse to being told what to do that I can only work for myself, so I'm close to the queen of rebellion in that sense. It infuriates me if someone sticks their nose into my grocery cart and tells me I shouldn't be buying this or that. People LOVE to shoulder into other's business. They LOVE to try and tell others what to do. It's annoying as hell. So, I completely understand the desire when someone tells you not to eat junk food to whip open a Reese's and shove both cups in your mouth right in front of them.

The problem is, this only ends up compounding the problem in most cases. I used to be furious at all those people, magazines, and shows that insisted I was a waste of humanity if I wasn't a size 2. Actually, I'm still pretty angry that the media and many people still do this. However, my rebellion was to go bawl my eyes out and sneak food down into my pity-party den, which resulted in taking myself that much farther down my personal path of destruction. In some ways, I think I was trying to say "See? I'm a complete loser by your standards, yet I still have value!" But it never really worked out too well. In the end, those jerks wrote me off as not worth their time because I wasn't thin, and anything I had inside that was worth something was ignored anyway and devalued by me because I looked for justification from others instead of myself.

I have been asked many times what is it that clicked, what made me turn around my 230 lbs spiral, and back it up? Those who know me know that I didn't go out and join a weight loss group or start some fantastic diet. I did it myself, on my own, trying to figure it out without someone telling me what to do (sound familiar?) So what was the turning point? What made me change?

Well, to be honest, I got really angry. Mostly at myself for being so stupid. Why on earth would I place any store by what people thought if the only qualifying factor was my dress size? Worse, why was I placing store by my own opinions based on my dress size? Both they and I had written myself off as a waste of space on this earth. Being a depressive sort, it really came down to realizing that if I was a waste of space - why not end it all? Why? Because THAT would have been the ultimate height of stupidity. Suicide over pant size and chocolate cake? Seriously? Pathetic. And I was DONE being pathetic.

People say anger is a destructive emotion. I disagree. I think anger is rightly compared to fire. Sure, it can burn and destroy, but it can heat, shape, cleanse, and cause change. Sometimes you need to light the fuse to get things to happen, even with yourself. The whole phrase "fueled off of anger" is not without its merits. Anger sustained me through the changes in behavior and lifestyle, success paved the path the rest of the way - partnered with knowledge that I gained by opening up my ears and at least listening to what others had to say in books, online, and so on.

I'm still not great at being told what to do directly to my face, but at least I can file away what they have said to pull it apart later (when the emotions have dulled a bit) and see if there was any value in the statements. I also believe the biggest contributing factor in all of this was realizing that the reason so many people feel they have to try and tell you what to do is really because YOU hold 100% of the power over you. So, even if you do take someone's supposed "advice" the truth is, it's because YOU decided to choose that option, not because they told you to.

Literally, the choice is 100% yours. What everyone else tells you to do is irrelevant. They're just post-it notes with options, not obligations. Choosing the right path for you does not mean giving any power to the person who pointed the information out in the first place. They're still powerless, even if they try to tell themselves differently. Any success you achieve is your own - just as you own your failures. This is true in life as well as fitness and weight loss.

It's that realization that stopped the weight gain and started the weight loss, that lead to me running a marathon, that enabled me to choose to go back to university, and everything else that has followed. The only trick is remembering that this is the truth no matter what anyone else tells you. But I will tell you this; it gets easier to remember with time and practice. So don't do anything because someone told you to - do something because YOU SAID SO.

Because We're Human

I get a LOT of traffic from my P90X review I did about a year ago. A lot of people are looking for unbiased reviews of systems and plans out there for fitness and weightloss (especially weightloss.) Some of the people, when they see I've engaged in multiple plans, have lost a lot of weight, and am a certified personal trainer expect a certain level of... perfection from me.

It's funny really, because I'm probably the most imperfect person I know. What seems to have tipped the scales of expectation is becoming a personal trainer. I'm not sure what I thought about personal trainers back when I was obese. They were kind of like unicorns or fairies to me - mythical creatures that I wasn't sure if I believed in (and they kind of scared me. There was no one I felt more like a failure around than a personal trainer when I was obese.)

I ended up becoming a personal trainer because I was searching for information. I found weightloss and fitness, nutrition and balance such elusive concepts in the mass media - well, it ticked me off. I felt like the world was dancing around with various carrots in front of my face, making promises, and then jerking the prize out of my reach with a "for only 100 payments of 19.95!"

WHY? Why does fitness and health have to be held hostage with a price tag? Why was it so hard to find the answer? Why were there SO MANY answers, and so many of them that disagreed with the others? Which ones were right? And was it only for the perfect fit people, or the ones who had been athletes "back in the day"? Because I am not one of them.

I was on a jump-rope team when I was 11, and that was it. In Jr. High they banned girls from sports except cheerleading (and lets face it, me as a cheerleader is frightening on so many levels.) In high school they DID allow girls into sports - but only if you had played it in Jr. High, otherwise you weren't even allowed to try out. Yes, totally unfair. No, I didn't grow up in the 50's (I'm 32,) I just had jerks for instructors.

By that time, though - I had accepted that athletically I was decidedly UNgifted. This is still true to this day. Yes, I ran a WHOLE marathon (26.2 miles, to prove to myself it could be done) but I was S-L-O-W, we're talking six hours of slow. My feet often go in opposite directions. I can trip over invisible flecks of dust. If I was in an aerobics class, I always made sure I was not by a window just in case I ended up grapevining my way through it. Thank goodness coordination is not a requirement for being fit!

I was doing really stupid things early on in my "fitness journey." Of course, back then it was only a "weight-loss journey." Skipping meals, because I thought that eating as little as possible was what women were supposed to do. Working out way too much (we're talking hours and hours) because that was supposed to be key - and not weightlifting, but cardio. They always tell fat people that it's about the cardio. cardio cardio cardio cardiocardiocardaio.... GAH!

It's not about the cardio.

I did Weight Watchers, Slimfast, a couple I don't even remember the names of, not eating, cardio out my ears, personal trainers - who each had a different take and lots of cardio to prescribe, and even tae-bo (which isn't horrible or anything, but it was just more exercise that I dumped in and couldn't take me all the way to my goals.) Finally, desperate, skipping meals, working out like a fiend, and honestly not feeling all that great, I spoke with someone who pointed me towards the book Body For Life. Do I think it's the end all and be all of programs? No, I don't. But I credit it with showing me that women can and should be lifting weights. Not little pink dumbbells weighing the same as your toothbrush, but heavy weights. It also showed me that not only could I eat, I MUST EAT.

Guys probably don't understand this at all, but to most women - finding out that you must eat enough and lift heavy weights is earth-shaking. So, I figured if that was true, what else was and what wasn't? I hit the books. I did the library circuit, read medical texts, nutritional textbooks (I went for the university textbooks, not the fads out there on the shelves.) It was important to me that I know WHY something is, because I'd had enough of people telling me what their opinions were. I figured out the nutritional aspects of it - no I'm not a dietitian or a nutritionist, but I do understand how different nutrients and foods work within the body, as well as understanding that it works differently for everyone as well (on a smaller level.) I then wanted to figure out the fitness side, so I found a good personal training program - there are many - and studied for six months, learned a lot, and passed my certification.

My intention wasn't to train others, it was to learn. If people wanted me to train them, I had no problem with that - though I didn't charge very much for two reasons. The first is that I don't like that fitness seems accessible only through money, because I don't have excess cash and neither do most people. The second is that while I enjoy health and fitness, it's not my career. My career is an artist. Fitness is an aspect of who I am, but it is not the whole. You cannot be healthy without paying attention to the whole of who you are. Your fitness is important, but so is everything else. It's part of why I pretty much stopped training people for a while, I decided that school was more important and returned to get a different degree - this is being fit on a different level.

It's that everything else that can trip you up. EVEN personal trainers. We all have bad days. Bad weeks. Bad months. Bad years. As much as I may have wished it, I didn't become plastic when I received my certification. My emotions didn't evaporate. My bad coping habits didn't fade into non-existence. I have never smoked, but I have heard others speak about how 20 years after quiting, every now and then they still want to smoke. Well, no matter how much knowledge I gain, there are times I still want to swim in a vat of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice cream. And lets face it, you must eat to survive which puts you in dangerous territory all the time that without the right skills, you succumb to the easy instead of the healthy.

All those carrots being dangled, ignore them. The truth is that you have building blocks to work with. You have to decide what your goals are and stack them up block by block. I want to be strong and healthy, I want to feel good. Whatever. So you stack your blocks of nutrition, exercise, alternative coping strategies, and so on. But once in place they can be knocked down. The person who can call themselves truly fit isn't the one with the highest tower of blocks, it's the one who can RE-stack them after they have fallen down, over and over again. Because they WILL fall down, even for personal trainers and exercise gurus.

So, when you see me trying to fight off that 10 lbs I gained back - it's not because I don't have the knowledge. It's because I let my bad coping skills (I'm a stress-eater, sometimes I fall back into the habit) get in the way of immediately restacking the blocks. When you see me ticked off about having to go exercise, it isn't because I'm giving up or letting anyone down. It's because I'm human, and I'd rather be reading a book or watching television just like anyone else.

What makes me fit is the fact that I keep trying. I work out six days a week without fail (except when ill, or on vacation.) I can honestly tell you that while you probably won't like it any more than you do now, you DO become used to exercise. It becomes part of your day, part of who you are. It is not hard to go and exercise, not really. But it doesn't mean you will sit there saying "this is just the best thing ever!" But you are better for it every day, and you know it. There is a moment that comes when you are sweaty and tired and breathing hard afterwards when you sit in perfect silence and know that you have done well. That is what makes it worth it. That is what makes you fit.

Likewise, with food - the longer you eat healthy, the more accustomed to it you become. What starts out as not tasting all that great becomes preferred. Yes, really. Will you pick those perfect foods over your favorites every time? Nope. But I will tell you this: those favorites taste EVEN better when you are eating healthy and treat them as the indulgences they truly are. Do you fall back into old (easy, not the best choices) eating habits? Yes, they always lurk, because our society is stuffed to the seams with easy choices. It will always be up to you to make the right one, and that won't always happen. But it doesn't have to be the end of everything.

Being human is about two things. It's about messing up, absolutely. But it's also about picking yourself back up and moving forward. I don't know who made the quote, and it's not accurate either as I'm just spouting it off, but I like it: "It's OK to fall, just make sure you fall forward."

I'm a personal trainer. But I am also a human being. I fall down, all the time. I'm simply working on falling forward just like everyone else.

Change of Plans

I have changed my mind. I'm going to do another round of P90X starting Sunday. However, I'm going to probably NOT do it for the three weeks I am in AZ, and actually BE on vacation. Then again... I'll be at my parents, and I might be bored out of my mind. Heck, I may end up doing doubles at that rate...

Nah. I'll be in the swimming pool. Who am I kidding? So that's six solid weeks (a smidgen more) until I head out. We'll see what happens. I'm just in the mood to buckle down, and I'll have more time to spend on it after today. Still planning on my adventurous walks as well.

Will I take photos? No, because my STUPID camera is broken. But I'll track other things for the masses of the curious. ;)

P90X Review

I feel it's probably time I posted my review of P90X, since I have gotten a lot of emailed questions on it. (Edit: Ultimate Fitness has contacted me to offer a coupon to everyone for $5 off the program. The code to input at check-out is: smw5off)

I initially started off with the standard P90X, and then switched to P90X Lean (in order to not beat up my husband, due to some scheduling issues.) Because I have done a big portion of both versions, I feel I can offer a pretty well rounded report on it.

The first thing I want to establish is a reminder of where I have come from over the past...Oh.... Eight years. I went from sedentary (220+ lbs), to cardio bunny (mostly tae-bo), to weight training, and then on to the serious fitness freak that you see before you today. I did NOT start this program after getting up off my couch one day and deciding it was the one for me.

This program is NOT a good starting point for ANYONE. I am speaking most directly to those men, and you know who you are, who regardless of your actual fitness level, assume that you can handle anything at any level, simply because of your testosterone and Y chromosome. I'm married to one of these "I can do anything" types, and trust me: he tried P90X, suffered, and dropped it - and he isn't a completely unfit guy either.

If you are interested in P90X, male or female - drop the ego and take their fitness test. For REAL. It will replace your normal workout, because it takes about 40 minutes. It's not a marketing gimmick, it's a necessary thing you should do. Because, if you can't hit everything you need to on the fitness test, you not only aren't ready for P90X, but you might cause yourself injury if you try it.

Now that I have scared everyone off, lets back up for a minute. It's not THAT bad, but you do need a certain higher level of core fitness in order to start in on this program. If you don't have that, there are a lot of places to start. If you have a long way to go, I recommend a doctor's clearance and then daily walks and body weight moves (like push-ups, sit-ups, etc), ramping up to a harder regimen. I also highly recommend Body For Life (NOT NOT NOT BFL for Women, that book is a total waste of good paper, and Eating for life is a good MAINTENANCE cookbook, but not so hot for an actual plan - and by the way, all the success photos/stories in the cookbook are from the ORIGINAL BFL plan, not EFL), but as the ORIGINAL plan was intended. Ignore the "official" website, and all the stupid tweaks people have tried to twist it with. Half.com has a ton of cheap copies ($1.37 when last I checked), so it won't even cost you much to look into it. Once you have completed that, you may or may not be ready for something like P90X, but you can try the fitness test again and find out where your weaknesses are.

The system is a set of DVD workouts which involve a ton of body-weight moves (like push-ups, pull-ups, plyometric moves, etc) as well as cardio and weight training cycles. The equipment you will require is a large enough space to go bouncing about in all directions without causing serious injury or property damage, free-weights of varying sizes, a chin-up bar/station, a yoga mat and blocks, and some people also use bands, as well as push-up bars (optional.)

**A note about the bands - I bought a set from Walmart. I snapped those suckers in half. They stink, don't buy them from Walmart or any of the other major retailers. You need a set of HIGH quality bands if you are going to be using them. I do not know if the set they sell through the Beachbody website are high quality or not, but you can try them or a serious fitness retailer. You need at least a medium weighted resistance band and the heaviest one they have (to mimic pull-ups if you can't do them.)

Personally, I have an interchangeable set of dumbbells with plates. This worked out OK, but there were times I had to hit the pause button because I couldn't get it set up quickly enough. If you have the cash (which I do not), I highly recommend PowerBlocks. I also have a Power-Tower station for the pull-ups. You can buy a standard chin-up bar from a major retailer for about $6, or you can invest in their fancy junglebar version for about $40. My power tower ($70) was a personal "I gotta HAVE IT!" freak-out, so it's not necessary. I just wanted a station that was good for not only pull-ups, but dips, leg raises and other exercises. Yes, I know, fitness freak. But for P90X , you only need the pull-up station, with the ability to do both wide and close handed grips.

The actual workouts range from a plyometric workout, core and cardio, to several weight/target area workouts (like legs & back, or shoulders & arms, etc). There is also a 90 minute Yoga session which you do every week, as well as a cardio workout of Kenpo. My favorite of all the workouts is the Kenpo, because I'm a sucker for anything that involves fighting moves - serious or not. I also value the yoga that has been incorporated because it has helped with some flexibility issues I was struggling with. Since the yoga also comes dead center of the week, it also relieves some tightness that you end up acquiring through the earlier workouts.

The weight workouts are good because there isn't a ton of monotony. You have a lot of different exercises you move through, and you never get bored because of that. The pull-ups aren't as bad as they sound. Yes, they're HARD. Yes, you end up doing a LOT of them. But there are ways to "spot" yourself, and assist with the pull-up until you can switch over to doing them without assistance. The DVD does show you how to do this, even expects you to. If you are interested in just learning about how to get your body doing pull-ups, Stumtuous.com has a whole "how-to" for you to get in gear.

I would say the workout I hate the most is the plyometrics, closely followed by the core synergistics. Why? Because plyo is HARD, people! Doesn't mean it's not worth doing. If anything, it's because it's hard that it's worth doing. Though, I admit that near the end of one of the workouts, I looked up to see the instructor doing a push-up where he brought his whole body into the air off the ground (feet and hands) and clapped in mid air, before coming down and doing it again - I almost took off my shoe and threw it at the screen.

The instructor, Tony Horton, is a good looking 40-something guy with a great attitude. Admittedly, at first I found him slightly grating. But I think that was because I have a lot of preconceived notions about DVD workouts, and their instructors. OK, they're not preconceived notions, we're talking outright hostility. If I had to endure another energizer-wind-up-pink-lollipop- cotton-candy-fluffy-should -be-tossed-out-of-a-plane instructor, I was going to lose it. Thank goodness this wasn't the case. Once I was able to understand the rhythm of his sense of humor, I was fine. Honestly, I think he's probably one of the best motivational exercise instructors I have ever seen.

However, for those who don't agree, the DVD's come with the options to play the workout with either the music or the instructor, or both muted and just have it give you your cues on the exercises. So far, I haven't done either, which was a total shock considering my propensity for a lack of patience in this area.

On certain days, you are expected to tack on the 16 minute "Ab Ripper" routine. This thing sucks. Sorry to use the language, but...Well... OW. Necessary, but OW. I also found that I have next to NO patience for tacking it on right after a regular workout. After 60 minutes of lifting weights and doing pull-ups, the last thing I want to do is look at some fresh-faced bunch of people and kill myself with an ab routine. So, what I have done instead is to tack it on later in the day. I'm MUCH happier with this arrangement, and it allows me to draft my husband into doing it with me. It's so much more enjoyable to hear someone else cussing and whining through a workout, than yourself.

These workouts are hard-core, bu